A Mother's Love Moves Mountains

-

It is now more obvious to me than ever that a child needs a mother's love to blossom. I saw in the videos of me and my toddler, how she responds to my voice and tone soo acutely.. Like if I seem down it is very obvious and she gets distracted and stares off into the distance, and when I am being truthfully happy she gets activated and excited too. It is all about how our spirits are connected due to being mother and child, and our similarities from DNA. A rabbi said something along the lines of our DNA being always on, and how parents and family members are acting directly affects their children and each other. This resonates perfectly with what I went through today.

I know I am the only one who can sooth my daughter, and our bond is intact. She listens to me and responds to what I do and act like during the day. We have a closeknit relationship, that grows every day due to our interactions. The more I can accept her full person, challenges and all, the more she can embrace herself and be confident. I adore seeing her be her little self, running around, finding fun even when it is not what I want all the time. Sometimes it is challenging.

Tonight, I saw how she was struggling with sleep due to overtiredness, and I was too anxious to rock her to sleep calmly so I tried to relax by lying down and being on my phone. She did not like that, and I was bothered by her hyperactivity so I... Kinda pushed her and squeezed her with anger. Her tears burst out suddenly and bitterly, she looked totally broken and helpless that I just felt awful. I watched her and mouthed sorry. She cried and cried. I felt disgusting and like I did not deserve forgiveness. I went to the kitchen and sighed and gave in to my desire to bake some paleo bread. She followed, and my husband agreed to put her to sleep. I worked happily, and then heard her babbling. I knew it was because she was repressed and missing me, but was too stuck to have her needs met with my husband forcefully rocking her. She did not trust him with her feelings. I went in there and said she wants me. She looked at me like a life-line, and protested to jump to me. I held her lovingly, and repeated to her that I loved her. She was happy. We went to put away some last things in the kitchen, and I spoke to her soothingly the whole time, saying I was sorry and she came to me and held me at one point. I felt like a mother and my heart was bursting with love and gratitude for her. I picked her up and sang her to sleep. She cried a bit and I was glad to see those painful tears and I stroked her face.

I think mothers are soo important to children's growth, and I wish my mother had been more open to my emotions growing up.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more