Babyish Parenting

-

My parenting. As a millennial snowflake. I want things my way. When my daughter made a chocolate mess on her dress, and being a Virgo, she refused to change and cried when I tried to tell her we had to go out and change get dress, I got really upset. I was desperate to go out and enjoy after 3 days of being stuck at home to wait for our packages from Fedex. So I started self blaming and spiraling. She was screaming and I picked her up and tried to yank the dress up But She pushed it down and I started crying too and moving her up and down rapidly. I released her and she fell a bit on her feet. I thought, good. I was disgusted with myself and projected it onto her because she wasn't doing what I wanted. I ran to hide and she jumped after me. So I left the room and hid in my closet. She yelled "Put down dress!" again and again and I fumed. I felt like a child. Parenting a child. She started looking for me, and her voice got calm and she said, "Where's Mommy? Over here.." Like I say when I find something. But she did not find me. Guilt gnawed at me and I said a few more minutes. She'll see who she needs. I felt childish again. Like she was the mother who wasn't listening to me. I finally opened the door and called her. She came in, her chest going up and down. She started at me with a trembling lip. Gauging my reaction. I started back unwavering, trying to show that I was present. I couldn't bring myself to apologize because of tremendous guilt. I knew she was waiting to feel safe. I sighed and held out my arms and she collapsed into me. I cried. She listened and ate. I felt love and understood what I was missing in my own childhood and cried for it.

I realized that who I am cannot be repressed. I felt better. I am not a perfect parent. But we are still related and in a relationship.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more