Children need Parental Attachment to Grow Developmentally

Gabor Mate says in Scattered page 120, that when an infant sees that his parent has anxiety he will have to disassociate from his own feelings because he senses that his parent will not be able to handle it and it will further hurt him. This is a big trauma for me because my childhood was basically this. My mother couldn't handle my feelings because she couldn't handle her own, so any anger or frustration I had had to be dealt with alone. I felt utterly alone all the time. That is where I developed ADD, because I felt no one in the world could care about me and I had deep shame at my core. Therefore, I tried to gain approval in other ways- by acting like I didn't care and had tough skin so no one could hurt me. But at the same time, I couldn't attach either.

I was thinking about my childhood when things were hard today, and I felt a lot of compassion for myself. I almost cried thinking about how innocent I was at age 3, just trying to find a place. The environment was choking and I only felt good alone. As Gabor Mate explained later on, ADD can also appear in children daydreaming and having imaginary worlds inside their heads, where they finally feel free. I was obsessed with pretending I was great and that one day it would be recognized. It is narcissistic grandiosity, but normal for the developmental age I was stuck in. Age 2 or so. I still have it sometimes, and glad I can recognize it.

Ollie Mathews said that being raised by narcissists is the opposite of human nature- because humans need love and connection. When we do not get it we are depressed and feel trapped. It is important to recognize what we were raised by. It is not our fault, we just were taught that our feelings are unimportant to living.

Trying to build an environment where my feelings are recognized, and it gets hard with all these triggers. Such as my husband not giving me full attention when we are together. When I tell him he takes it as accusing, and I get even more hurt. It's important to know what you need inn order to not confuse and drain people around you. We are both not used to having others see us, so both feel minimized.

Mate explains that a person with ADD can be grown up by having unconditional love. Knowing that no matter what he does or feels, love will not be taken away. Then, he can move on from needing it, and focus on other potential development. Without healthy attentive caregivers, a child develops shame about himself that causes him to fear being left alone in his mind, so he had to distract himself constantly. A loving presence goes a long way, and gives him peace to learn. This is what parents of ADD should know: Accepting the child at all times, even when they misbehave, brings tremendous results. I experienced them myself, when I showed love to a 3 year old kid who was making trouble in school... He was known as a terror to all the staff... But I was patient and kind, and his entire tough demeanor changed and he became soft and the kindest kid in the class.