Getting Through Days

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Doing my breathing exercise as I walk down the long roads to the supermarket. It keeps my body sane and I like to think healthier. Focusing on positivity. Life is weird, I keep waking up each morning feeling stranger in my body and life. I feel shame from the day before, and like my mood swings are off base and only apply to the time. I see my world as a blessing and then the next day a curse. I hate my husband and love him the next day. I feel the need to run away and find true happiness and then I decide what I have is enough and satisfying. Life is anything but stable and smooth.

I thought how could I have missed what my sister said yesterday- How she was inconsistent about what she thought off mental illness. At first she abhored it, and then she said she has changed her feeling of it the past year or so because "society has become more accepting of it." It makes me think that she flips and turns at the will of societal acceptance, and does not trust her own feeling. She admitted that her daily life does not involve her own feelings much, and generally more what her family feels. When we spoke about the prospect of our brother transitioning and its affect on us, she admitted that it affected her life personally. I said that was probably because of adoption and not being able to trust your feelings. She agreed. I care for her, and it is a definite feeling with no conditions.

My daughter is smart and was able to pick up when two women I met in our development were fake and insecure. She become disorganized and disassociated. I took her away and went on a long walk. She acted more herself at the shop.

I got hurt when another man from my religion shouted out from his car to "please not stand on the street maybe." I am fragile and it reminded me of how my brother spoke to me in disgust when he didn't agree with my behavior. I breathed on and let the trigger pass.

I realize that when people do not answer in the day it does not mean I am rejected, as this happened three times to me this past week. They contacted me the next day or week, and did seem interested and in favor of me just as I thought. It feels so good to have friends.

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