Harsh Painful Reality Keeps Bitting Me

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I'm trying so hard to make a life for myself, and living happily. But my past keeps coming back at me to haunt me. Saying I am nothing, not worthy of anything, lost and alone. These feeling run deep, that as I cry my body is stuck, like opening an ancient old damm that slowly gives way. Releases old tears that have been there always, waiting to get out. I feel relief, and assurance that I am still here. Here for me. Despite feeling totally alienated on the outside. I am not living a dream, my reality still exists. I am still a broken young child, having lost everything at once. And I am still here for myself. Because nobody else is, still. Well the narcissists and uncaring of society that is. I had to deal with them today, and it reopened my wound and tore up the fragile parts in me instantly.

Trying to apply for a credit card, and our efforts were not going through. We were rejected. And I was a little girl who had never owned a credit card to my name officially. It really hurt when the guy we thought was on our side hung up so abruptly seeming to think we were just a waste of his business. For the new water machine. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. G-d forbid. I feel like everyone can see through me, that I am a needy, childish, unfit for the world brat. I get so triggered I can't even go on social media anymore. Well at least i found myself and the source.

And. My daughter. She will have to wait as I couldn't take care of her all afternoon basically because I was feeling so desolated. Just wanted to stuff myself to forget the pain. But the pain is still there and I finally got to cry it out a bit. Lamenting that no one cares about me. It's true about my family and my husband's. Because they do not care about my adoption feelings and think I should just be strong and over it. They want me to pretend and move on. It hurts, because what I really need is people to support me through my pain.

Struggle of realizing that I had and have real parents. They are mine, but nobody acknowledges that. And I am forced to keep them and my grief a secret. Locked in a closet. It makes me so angry deep down. And I wish I can show my feelings for them, but I barely trust them myself. Because of all this invalidation. Even my birth siblings do not acknowledge their birth parents. I am ready to snap in anger or tears the minute people are sweet to me or cross my boundaries. Such as my daughter not willing to fall asleep and playing "peekaboo" with me every time I try to get her to. It infuriates me and I put her down to control my temper. And a man was nice to me on the customer service for my packages that I was running around trying to find, saying "Sure of course, we are here to help you!" And it hurt so bad because I wanted and needed to believe it, but it was probably just a forced customer service overly graciousness so the company gets money.

And now I am scared that my daughter is repressing her feelings and worried that she sees me as unreliable and unstable. I am scared for her life.
But at least I see reality for what it is now, and not trying to pretend it isn't so. I am wracked with grief and loss that I do not know where to turn to.

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