Healthy Narcissism and the Balance of Self Image

-

There is nothing wrong with healthy narcissism. This is knowing who you are, and feeling like a self. It is the only way you can go beyond it and become powerful and great to others. I was preached at all my life about the fact that "you are nothing, make yourself small, think about how unworthy you are for G-d to listen to you." But on the other hand of the stick, there was the teaching that, "G-d created you so He loves you more than anything, He is waiting desperately for you to talk to Him. At any time you do, He is so happy and listening." Of course, in an Adoptee's mind, who can't fathom that who he truly is is of any significance to anyone, I naturally took the wrong message out of both. I thought I was unworthy so why try, and for the second teaching, I thought it didn't apply to me because I was not good and full of sin. I did sin, but the main sin was not believing that I was anything. That lead to wasting my life away on trying to fulfill myself with physical pleasure, to escape my taunting reality.

I realized now that I still struggle with self hate and doubts, but I feel a deeper sense of pride and self-esteem. I walk on the street and smile at people, my self loathing, crippling insecurities and shame gone. Like I am a new person. I laugh with others, and enjoy their compliments about my daughter. I let them enjoy her, without feeling possessive and insecure that she is mine. Life feels joyful when I can give myself what I need. I went to the mall yesterday, had a strong sense of practicality and easier decisions about what I should or shouldn't buy. I came back with 2 tops, and great happiness that I did not need to buy more. As I pack my stuff to move, with boxes flooding our small house, I feel like throwing most stuff out because it feels excessive. I have only 3 pairs of shoes left. I take pride in my organic food and less meal prepping than I used to do.

It feels good to know that I have some significance in the world. As I am finding more and more. I see how all my decisions in the past half year have actually materialized my goals and desires. I imagined it, and did it with my own two hands. I bought clothes that I resonated with, changed my daily routine, set affirmations about my lovability, and had gratefulness for the good I had. It all made my mind happier and more at peace. Now we are moving to a more peaceful area, and a bigger apartment for only a little more expensive rent. It really does help to believe in yourself and that you are worthy. It makes you take responsibility for your life, and feel empowered and not a victim anymore. I no longer feel I have to run to everyone's aid, and fix everyone's sorrow and make them happy. I know that I can only do what I can, and honestly because of my past, that is really a miniscule amount. I have to spend more time working on my own happiness. And it works, because the more I look inside, the more truth I can uncover about others. And I pray for people that I cannot fix, asking G-d to watch them. Because I love them, and wish they would heal and stop projecting their issues onto me. I need space, and if they cannot see this it is not my fault. I only hope that one day I will be able to have a healthy relationship with them.

In no way and I perfect, I have lots of pain and anger sometimes. But at least I know where it is from, and I have hope and love and happiness. It is the faith and knowing that I am worthy that keeps me grounded. Without knowing that G-d loves me, I don't know where I would be. So I continue with my self centeredness, and hope for the day I will be able to let go of it. I know I have a long way to go, but I trust that I am still loved.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more