In Need Of A Mother

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Being a mother means a nurturing and accepting and loving person. I never had that with my mother. How can she fool herself into thinking she is my mother? Buying me everything I need to make me happy. But never seeing or allowing my pain to have space. No, she never saw me. It hurts so much to realize this. I feel like I have no mother to look up to. How can I be expected to mother my family? Nurture my spouse? He needs too much from me. My kid I can understand and love no matter what. My husband I need way more help for.

It angers me when he expects so much. I feel like a child and can only go so far. As I read Joe Soll write, a hurt person who does not solve their inner grief will inflict it on others (something like that). It pains me but it is true.

I need a mother figure to look to. For help and support- emotional. Just like my daughter has me. I need a mirror back. Where are other strong women who can get me and love me? Haven't found any so far in the places I have looked. In my own backyard. Should have known that was a tricky place. Nothing real there.

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