Living Haphazardly

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It's amazing how easily and effortlessly I can pretend to be okay living my life as usual... Such as, fake smiling at my husband and child, buttering up neighbors and strangers as expected, bustling around cleaning and working in the kitchen, singing happily silly songs and making silly faces to make my family laugh... It is all superficial, surface-level. Until my depression gets the best of me and I snap in uncharacteristic anger and want to break down crying because my daughter won't listen to my request that she stop running out the door. Or spilling newly made food in her glee of making messes. Or my husband calling me from the next room not realizing that I am BUSY. Gosh why is it so hard to pay attention to me?? It brings me back to my childhood home, where my mother and brother constantly triggered this reaction in me. Constantly seeming to undermine my existence, by interrupting me loudly, not letting me sleep, SCREAMING when I am trying to have a calm dinner... Just plain overstepping any boundary I had left to hold onto. After being violated by losing my entire identity by becoming a fake daughter and family member.  No wonder I am so violent when it comes to asserting my boundaries. And I act melancholy and do not know who I am- because I had no right to know who I was growing up. So I learned to play scripts I was always given, to keep life rolling. But the thing was, I was not there and the person behind the mask was lost. I hope I can find myself fully.

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