Losing It With Parenting

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Just a mini rant here, guilty pleasure, of millennial parenting with post adoption traumatic stress or whatever you wanna call it. I pride on trying to be genuine so here goes.

I can't do this sometimes; it is really hard. I get angry and frustrated. It requires lots of being present and patience with my toddler, and it is just hard for my mind to sit still. Maybe it is my gemini cusp, as I was thinking in bed this morning...how much I crave stability but at the same time wanna run from it because of my constant new ideas. It is constant wrestling with my mind. I'll be honest and upfront: life is like balancing on a beam and constantly being about to plunge downward into abyss. I am in a tough spot. Have I ever not been in one though? It feels like my teens were more... Simple and stable. In the instability of not knowing who I was, that is.

I find that when I try to be healthy and conscious, all eyes are on me and I struggle. Trying to be present and happy with myself. I eat in public with my healthy and delicious food, and my daughter needs to be seen in order to eat too. She will not eat and feel uncomfortable if I ignore her, and it is very hard for me to pay attention to her while eating. I have a stigma about food that is hard to shake: I feel unable to allow myself to indulge in enjoying it. So I constantly run from eating, only to eat more to satisfy my animal side. It is like an enjoying-eating repression. And repression just makes it more pronounced...

I feel all eyes on me, judging me for enjoying myself. At least I have my healthy foods like organic soy milk and cauliflower and avocado... But then I crave chocolate and feel like a beast for eating it. Lol. I think that I should be above it. And my mind fights and tells me it's not good for me. But my heart says, it's okay to have pleasure sometimes- you need it! And I feel frustrated with myself because I do not know where I stand. And my daughter only eats heartily when I am comfortable and relaxed. I can literally see her being uncomfortable eating the avocado- so she pushes it away. She wants to hold the whole container- but won't even take a bite from it. It is frustrating. I so want her to eat and enjoy, but I fear that she feels my shame in eating and then I project it on her... Lord help this girl not have eating problems later on.

I was thinking as I walked home with her in her stroller, quiet and thinking. Her Virgo personality is a follower and desperate for friends... And my Taurusness is independent and couldn't care less about what others do. I hope she can develop into herself with me as a mother, because I tend to not understand her ways. I fear that I shame her when I get nervous with her dawdling and anxiousness when she doesn't feel listened to. I started cursing to myself in annoyance when we got home and I needed her to walk up the stairs by herself because I was busy putting things in order. Boy it's hard to be a mother to toddlers. They have a smaller mind and in this world it is hard to focus on them and help them feel competent- like the Montessori way.

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