Spiritual Ties Between Family

Physic feelings are real between blood relatives. We feel each other's pain. It happened amazingly today. Last night I was depressed, about my limitations of the Horoscope signs and how I wish I had married a Scorpio lol. I just...feel like my husband is too "meh" and not strong enough for me. He said what am I talking about, we were just stressed about our struggle in buying a couch from that over priced store and that he really does see me. I doubt it. I told him I am more passionate and need someone who values what I do and he is more careless. He disagreed and fell promptly asleep. I sighed and struggled alone. Night time makes me depressed and wonder where I am going, and feel alone. Last night was extreme in that, I felt desperate. Stayed on my phone as my daughter fell asleep on me finally phew. It is a crutch that I need at times.

What was I running from? A deep abyss of nothingness. Familiar deep uncontrollable shame. From adoption incident I guess, as I read about. Nothing to turn to, I asked Gd to save me in the merit of not wasting time any longer and go to sleep. But first, I searched Facebook and fumed a bit about how my biological sister was being stuck up and writing about negative people being bad for you, and she ignored me for months. Crippling helplessness.

In the morning, I looked on my news feed and saw an article about a man who strangled his ex-wife after he saw she had strangled their toddler and was about to kill their other child. It tore my heart up inside. I could not believe how the world could not see this. How they seemed to be a perfect family, and people they were close to said they thought they were happy and perfect. I saw how she posted tons of pictures of fake happiness in their children and her business of "Thrive" healthy living, and knew it was all fake. And they hid their emotions. Otherwise why would they get divorced, and become so violent? And why did she call her toddler and baby daughters "Selfish women?" Even in light humor. Something was very wrong here. And anger got better of me and I wrote some post on Instagram about how people who ignore your pain are really holding in their own. They are indeed fakers and scared of their true monsters. And I at least know my monsters.

Is society really this dumb and missing something? Something so obvious to me. So I decided to shoot my biological sister a text, maybe she really is needing of my stability and toughness. She answered straight away, that we should indeed talk and now is good. I was so glad. Went outside on the porch and picked up.

We spoke about everything. Being fully honest and caring. Love overrides separation even by adoption. She tried saying she is not bothered by her being adopted by our mother's adoptive parents, and hated the idea of being emotional when I pointed out that our children have similarities that they are emotionally aware... I said emotional in a good way. She equated emotional as in uncontrollable, tantruming all day. I laughed and said no emotional intelligence is the opposite of that- it is having control of emotions. She agreed and said her son is very caring and loves helping. It is nice to know that the tendency for caring is in us. But then why did she have so much resentment for our mother? We spoke it through, it turned out she hated not thinking her adoptive parents were her real parents after all they did for her. I said one has nothing to so with the other, we still have to acknowledge that our blood family matters. She got upset and said we disagree, so I said why are you talking to me now then? She said because she likes me and cares. I said yes... It is spiritual because we have the same blood. She said maybe we shouldn't get into this because of 2 years ago when we fought about it and I almost cut her off. I said no, I am more mature now and believe in my identity. She said okay, and her baby was crying. Her emotions were obviously in turbulence.. We spoke about how she is more logic and me emotion, but it is weird because she thinks she has control of her emotions and knows what bothers her more now and deals with it when it comes. I said me too. We both spoke about our brother, how his pain is too overwhelming at times and we feel so sad for him. It was interesting that she thinks of us every week and she admitted that she cares because we mean more to her than strangers. I said I think about her too, weekly or so. She said she is interested in finding our real grandfather but only because I am. She doesn't care about birth family as much because she values her adoptive family. I said I also care for my adoptive family, but a person needs to know their roots. Where they came from. It is a spiritual thing that we don't know consciously. She listened and seemed awed.

We spoke about her anger towards our mother, who is mentally ill and left her at a weeks age with a drunk. We said how she just is unaware of her actions impact on others because of her illness. She had a lot of anger at her that she didn't realize but is seeing more lately. Because of how she does not act nice to her and her adoptive parents who did so much for her. I asked if she considered her side- that her parents mistreated her for not letting her have children or keep them? She teared up and said it was not natural indeed, but there was a bigger stigma those days.. Still. She agreed that she may feel less than and inhumane so she acts cold to her. She was shocked by what I told her about what our mother told me- how she opened up and showed emotion about all her adoptions. How she felt she couldn't raise her children because she did not have her real mother ever. She also helped me understand why she didn't talk to our mother anymore- because she left a scary message in a male voice when she had her baby that she hopes the baby doesn't "die" like her first... Very creepy and scary. She was having voices she said, but my sister was very hurt and needed to put up boundaries. I understand.

It was very enlightening, and I see how pain and family ties brought us closer to each other. Differences do not matter anymore, we both need one another and it is obvious. She is not as cold as I thought, just hurt.

I just lost my daughter in the mall. My heart was pounding. At first I was annoyed and thought serves her right for running away. Now I see how painful our separation was, even temporarily.  I prayed and found her. I almost cried. She knew I was scared because she was gentle to me and stayed by my side right after.