We Need Validation Despite Fear Of Being Enmeshed

All us abuse suffers and victims really need is an acknowledgement of "I'm sorry to know you are going through that..." Because that makes a difference. I found that many family people closest to me refuse to acknowledge my pain, because unhealthy attachments. They fear being engulfed in my pain, so they chose to get upset when I mention it, and ignore it. They are scared of pain. I know what it's like.

I just spoke to my brother, biological and one I grew up with. I am enmeshed with him, as much as I don't like it, to the point where I cannot feel empathy for him. I just want to fix him so he doesn't hurt so that I can be happy. But I set a boundary today, noticing it, and let myself be happy. I saw that when he answered that he doesn't know when I asked him how he is, I froze up and wanted to fix it or did not know how to respond. And I realize that this never happens with strangers. It is because I can have better self differentiation with people I do not know, but with family and close ones, my trust is not as strong and I am prone to feeling like I am not there and I only exist to serve them. So I changed my response and said I'm sorry... I am okay. I did not let it totally take me down. I openly acknowledged that I cared about him, and offered to help in the way I can- by offering him a safe space in my house where I feel I can be uplifting. He appreciated it, and I saw him hesitating. But I know now how sensitive he is because he was born on the same North node as my husband - Cancer, and needs that trust in people. I am more flighty and prone to manipulation, as I and my family knows from the past. But I am working to change it.

Anyway, this goes further to my adoptive family. I see how they are scared of people being open about their emotions because they are so enmeshed. I was talking to my cousin my age about it yesterday by the bris. How they are all so scared of rejection and into people pleasing, even as adults. She nodded knowingly. That is why we adoptees are so shunned in our families often, because they fear having to acknowledge our emotions because it will take away from their happiness. But it is a lie, and we are all connected no matter what. I told her that birth family still feels each other's pain even when apart, and she chirped, "Yes adoptive family too?" As she is always trying to get me to see that I am part of her family. I don't know if she really believes it and needs to convince herself. But I said yeah of course. It is true, as we are always affected by the people who raised us and are around us. But not to the spiritual extent, I feel, like the birth family. That's okay. The main thing is that everyone has feelings and we have to acknowledge them and not pretend they do not exist, because that is a lie and separation creates loneliness and that is a lie. We are all connected and need each other to feel like we exist. Validation.

I struggle with this as an adoptee because I have it intrinsic in me to please others. Above myself. Because I was brought into this world as a sacrifice to be there for other's happiness, and lost my own need for happiness being fulfilled when my world shattered, I live with constant seeking to please others. To the point of exhausting myself daily. That is why it is so hard to take in other's pain without balking under its weight. But just open acknowledgement is needed, and its okay to say that it is too much now. As long as I can be honest and admit it is there, I will be facing reality and feel more real. Shame prevented me from being honest about other's pain, because I couldn't admit that I was unable to carry it... Now I see why we act like this. Ignoring others pain is actually like killing them because you ignore that their essence exists, and they feel invisible by you. A feeling I unfortunately am soo used to with my adoptive mother.