Virtual Letter to Being Triggered by a Cousin

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Listen, older cousin who said, "What happened to you? When you were young you used to be such a Tomboy!" with surprise. It is not such a surprise. I did not morph into a new person, as you seem to think is possible. Or I don't know what you think.

I am still the same person I was at age 6, that daring, true side of me that you glimpsed was real. Perhaps you know it subconsciously that I repressed that part of myself now. I seem super girly and unable to raise my voice ever. Unable to have my own initiative. I became codependent and enmeshed with pleasing others.

Perhaps you are projecting your own self-disappointment on me for being helplessly reliant on others. Perhaps you project your own idea of what "feminine" mindsets look like - weak and submissive. But I'll tell you what. I am strong and proud of myself of my being female. Even though you may not understand why. I think that's what you were trying to instigate when you said that silly, unrealistic comment.

Yeah it hurt. That you saw me as one dimensional- a person that just changes from one character to another when they grow up. I am a full person, with a personality that is strong. How I act in a situation does not reflect the full me. I have daring and mischievous sides too. Just because I smile and show enthusiasm for "girly" things such as clothes and food preparing styles now, it does not mean I am only this one way. I grew up and became more fearful of what others think based on PTSD and disapproval of my character, just like you. And everyone you know. I don't know why you act surprised and treat me like I'm special or some kind of prodigy. It bothers and hurts me that you think that, because it means you are not seeing me as an equal, a human being.

I am used to taking such treatment, though, so I don't always think that I can stand up for myself or recognize that I am triggered. People seeing me as some special child and on a pedestal, like I can take away all their sorrow. You see, that was what I was raised to be. Not a human, but a tool and doll for others to take in narcissistic supply for raising me. I was adopted. And to feel good about their act of grace. And pretending I had to be full on gratitude for their kindness, even though I was just a baby that had no clue that they were doing me a service, being that I was separated from my biological mother at birth and given to strangers.

So anyway, yes I am still that spunky, self-loving and independent mind that is soo rare in your circles. Because you stay stuck in the mindset that kids are are only valuable when they serve their parents and are behaving well. I am a full person, as you are too if you only let yourself accept your own hurt, repressed sides.

I write this now, because I was triggered recently by this statement. Things roll around in my head with resentment, so I need to let them go and understand myself better for why they disturb me. I now know who I am and I am more certain of the fact that I am still the same little, strong-minded girl that I was even though it is sometimes repressed because of social expectations and being triggered.

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