Adoption Pain is Not All I Am

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Wake up wanting a good day, not sure what that means anymore. Stress has gotten over my head with all the serious atmosphere for the high holidays. I guilt myself for ever wanting anything to enjoy. My daughter is nervous too, and I realize that she won't fall asleep again even though she only slept 9.5 hours, for a 2 year old not being the best. But I have a therapy Skype appointment with Joe Soll at 12, in a few hours, so I will need to stay home and then put her to sleep afterwards. I go to the kitchen because I am only thinking of food and am angry at myself for it. She wants to play with water and refuses to get dressed. I am nervous as I try to focus on being positive. The pain feels overwhelming so I need to run from it instead of accepting it.

I try forcing myself not to eat but it doesn't work. I don't feel inspired to do anything productive. Therapy was very enlightening, as he mirrored the helplessness I felt and made me realize how unhappy I was. I cried. Yes I need to feel more loved and appreciated for who I am in my life. It is not right for me to constantly feel worthless, and adoptees often feel that way as he said he did too. I need to keep doing the affirmations. And tell him if I feel like hurting myself ever again.

Afterwards, I struggled with listening to my daughter as she made messes and I ran away because I was so upset. I felt she had repression and couldn't put her to sleep no matter how much I tried. So I munched. And munched. And watched videos to inspire me. And felt trapped. She squished all the cookies I offered her and I was awed by how kids can make a mess out of everything! I watched a video about adoption pain by Lilly Shmaltz, and she was saying how sometimes she cannot focus on the pain too much because it is too much for her. And I realized that is what I was doing wrong. And I realized that I am wallowing too much in my trauma. And so I relaxed and she fell asleep. Even though it was wayy after she needed.

I need actual live support and to start really giving myself the allowance to have others to understand me. I need to relax, and be more like my biological siblings who do not focus on adoption because it is too much, and rather work towards makin something of themselves in their current life. Yes, adoption pain does not define me.

As Joe Soll said, I do have the right to be angry if my husband does not show me attention and ask me about my day with actual interest. I have the right to want to go out and have fun. That when I want to go out and tell my husband straight out, he cannot say he is too tired and refuse all the time. I need to make time for me. Just like I give to my daughter all day. Without allowing any fun and time for myself.

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