Emotional Breakdown

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I had a break down today by the fast of Yom Kippur. I was so tired and did not know how I would have the strength to put her to sleep. I also felt her personality was too all over for me- as she is Pisces south node... My husband had come home and was with her as she ran around.

I suddenly thought of my adoption, how nobody credits it as trauma. I thought of my mother leaving me as a 2 day old newborn in the hospital without any deal. And I was in trauma. Shock at her not being there. As every human baby needs their mother. And the Rabbi I emailed about it said babies don't realize. And it's a beautiful thing for them to be adopted so they should be grateful. Anger and fury rose in me like bile and I thought of how they passed me to another old couple, with no name or sign of them now. And then at six weeks I was passed about again, this time in my permanent residence. With my adoptive parents who are the most oblivious about feelings than anyone I can think of.

So I went to sit by my husband, thinking I'd go insane in I lay there any longer. He was calmly studying and I wondered how he was when I was in my state. I started crying like a baby, tears choking and gasping out. Just like my daughter had before, and I wondered how her mouth just let it all out inhibited and unabashed. I was jealous. So I cried. And said, "Nobody ever held me naked as a baby and loved me. I never had skin to skin time like I do with my baby. How come no one realizes..?" He started paraphrasing me, saying, "You never felt truly loved..." And I got angry. And told him it felt rude to me, and I needed him to just listen... More like shut up. He did. And I went on about how I am sick of feeling crazy because they didn't get emotions. And repressed feelings because they we're scared to speak up about their own pain. Nobody in my adoptive family believes that children have a right to be heard and respected. They all think that you have to honor and bend to your parents no matter what you feel. That is why they are so disconnected from their true selves.  Their feelings are not allowed. I cried and cried and lamented about how I wish I wasn't born because my birth mother just left me like an idiot. Who leaves their baby? I just needed my husband to hear.

I felt better after, but I still need to do something big about this. Talk about my feelings. Because I realized that when I do I love myself and forgive myself for my sins. And so I can connect to G-d more. Instead of feeling guilty and shamed of myself. You need love first in order to connect to G-d. Then fear. The connection has to be first. And we get that knowing that we are loved from our parents. And I never got that. No wonder I feel like a robot sometimes. But I found myself now. In finding my inner child.

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