Family Not Perfect

I was thinking how lucky I am to have a husband who supports me. Through this whole crazy journey. He never tells me to stop talking about my feelings when I rant, and always sees the good in me. I asked him if he idealizes me, and he said he doesn't think so because he sees my bad sides too. Such as when I become moody and hypocritical, not really sticking to my word. It's weird, I see his insecurities so upfront, and get annoyed at him a lot.. While he doesn't focus on mine and sees my best. I wonder how it can be.

And we had a conversation about how our families growing up made us the way we feel about ourselves. The insecurities. He constantly freezes up around people and gets a deer in the headlights look. I notice it and feel frustrated with him because he comes across as so fearful. Yet gets defensive if I bring it up. I think he is embarrassed of himself. But I told him, our pain and shame is not because we are really bad it is from how we learned to feel about ourselves when we were mocked as kids... That's the thing. Kids do not have self-reliance, so they lean on grownups to tell them how they are. They look UP to adults, and therefore can get hurt so much easier.

I was reading my past journals to try to figure out what all happened to make me get engaged to him, back in 2015. It turned out I was disgusted by his insecurities and lack of self confidence then, but I covered it up because I was so desperate to be with someone who understood me. And he listened. So I told myself that he was hot and I was attracted to him. But sparks and passion there was not. My Rabbi told me not to get engaged to someone I wasn't 10/10 excited about, and I was only 7 level on him.  But I was so desperate to get out of my pain from the one friend who kept hurting me and I kept running back to, that I grabbed him like a lifeline. Adoptees are indeed scared of being alone. I felt utterly alone without anyone and the pain was too unbearable. And so I lied to myself that I was happy, and clung to religion and belief that G-d cared and helped me. When I was drowning and scared. It was a full turn from uncertainty about him and anger at how I felt stuck chosing, to the next day deciding he was perfect. It was all my defense mechanisms inside trying to protect me from being alone. I believed I really needed him. And it didn't help that all the adults in my life, therapist, friend, and mother were telling me he was so nice and I could not say no.

Anyway, fast forward a week in and I already started screaming at him all his insecurities and humiliate him because of my shame over them. Not seeing him and being selfish. I hugged him and promised not to do it again, but a few weeks later repeat. The ups and downs got more aggressive verbally and less lovey. I see that I was and am playing the narcissist that had hurt me just as bad just before this relationship. But I can't stop because my fury is so strong. Confusion galore.

And so it goes on. Less and less, and more understanding between us,  but I still can't help wondering what is going on in his mind that makes him stay. I literally use him as a verbal punching bag sometimes. And he says that he knows I am loving, that I had a hard life. It sounds like me to how. I saw my narc ex friend. But he is not as obsessed with changing me, he had more space from me... But it troubles me. I tell him I don't know what goes on in him, and he gets annoyed and says nothing I know everything. I do not feel that way. I can't force him to open up. Time will tell.

No it's not perfect. The happy times are good and we work well as a team in learning and talking. But there are blocks...

Love family. We are three and happier than any other people I used to hang with.