Foggy World

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I notice that many people these days are very in the fog. They do not want to acknowledge emotions, and get nervous when I talk about them. Such as the woman that was babysitting some children in the neighborhood playground. She seemed defensive at first, but when she saw me being nice and helping one of her charges, she began to smile more. But when one kid fell down and began to cry, she quickly patted her and shushed her saying, "It's not so bad." The kids kept glancing at me and wanting me to baby them, even though they were 3. They could sense that I was more caring and understanding. The woman seemed all understanding when I told her that I stayed hone with my daughter, and explained how I can make her feel comfortable by spending time with her while at a new sitter if I try. I said I wanted to but when she's older. She said, "You'd be surprised you may like her" about a babysitter in the place. But although she acted understanding and kind, she did bribe the kid to not cry or else they'd leave the park.

The way I see it, people are fearful and only come to you when you are kind to them. It is the underlying issue of not trusting "mother" that they are loved and worthy. Like I saw a quote of Brene Brown's, about if you don't own your trauma you will go around trying to get saved by others.

I was looking at my videos of my daughter from birth and on, and I see what she sees in me. I am a very loving person. It just scared me how I used to be enmeshed with her and depended on how she felt about me, like rubbing her face with mine desperately trying to get her to say she was happy. It reminded me of my mother and I cringed and deleted. I saw how it made her push me away and act all nervous and unsure. Like in the continuum concept, when we try to get a baby to look at us and talk and it is unnatural because they are geared to watch us and learn from us. It just means I was insecure and looking for attention from my own baby. That is sad.

I like to think I am much better, but I still catch myself not feeling good and wanting her to do the initiative.

Kids are naturally into sharing their emotions, so if we just allow ourselves to listen they will trust us. This happened today when I bent down to her level and showed my understanding, and she felt instantly better.

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