Healing Comes With Compassion

Boy did I realize something. I am not a full person to myself since my mother was never there for me and saw me. I became enmeshed and evolved only around being there for her. As we learn as kids, our parents are G-d to us and we see the world through how they see us.

And since my mother did not know that she was lacking a sense of self esteem, she passed that onto me and expected me to make her feel good. I told her today that since she didn't see my feelings she was not in fact, a good mother as she seemed to think, but she said she knew she couldn't "take away my pain of adoption," so she didn't even try.

I answered her, "Actually, you could have taken it away. Because mothers have the ability to make their child feel better as it is their job to be emotionally loving and accepting of them. And I do know that my daughter gets comforted by me when she is in pain. So how come you did not show that to me, or feel it?" And she had no answer. She said in defeat that I may be right. But when it came down to it, she still feels she was a good mother to the best she could and as all mothers do, she did her best. It makes my inner child scream and cry inside, like she doesn't care about me.

But I realized something. That she doesn't care about herself the way I do about myself either. So she has pain inside too, that she still needs other people to lean on. Even if it is her own daughter.

So now here I am, screwed up because of my mother relationship, and not seeing myself. I am needy and sad, but at least I know it. I know not to expect anything from anyone, because they can not fix me. They are busy with themselves. And hey, that's okay to me. Because I am no longer angry at the world, and expecting them to cater to me. I already know the truth- that I am a victim and was not treated right. That makes me angry and defensive around others. And that's okay. It's right for me. I had to do what I could to protect myself in the past, so it is still in me to not trust. But at least I KNOW now that I am enough, and not shameful about my needs. They are part of me, and their ugliness will not make me shut them out. Like I saw in my journal yesterday, reading from 5 years ago about who I used to be.. I constantly guilted myself for my "bad traits"- such as being insecure, angry, unable to connect to people... It all was part of me, and I was shaming and bashing myself for it. Trying to repress it. As my therapist told me- get a job and feel good about yourself NOW. Don't talk to people who hurt you. But it was impossible, because my low energy attracted them as I was not conscious of my feelings fully. And she did nothing to help me love them- she said matter of factly: Adoption made you feel bad about yourself, but it is not real and you are okay. Not wanting to explore it.

And I read that adoptees are always open to researching about adoption trauma, in Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound.  Perhaps because they know deep down there is something in them affected deeply, even those who never admit it to your face.

Anyway, I was drawn to all these low-self esteem people because it was how I felt. They showed what I was not allowed to express, and I needed that learning that it was okay and existed. So I ran to them like a life saver. They did save the life I had inside, by helping me accept it when I loved them. Now, I am loving myself. I accept myself and hate giving to myself, every bone screams "bad girl" when I ignore my daughter for a bit and eat or walk around to enjoy myself. But it feels right- because I feel alive and energized after letting myself give to myself. And then I can be there for her, as a full human, negative and positive aspects included. As I told my adoptive mother.

And hopefully, just hopefully, she will learn that it is okay to feel her full feelings too. The neediness, the pain, the love and freedom. Just because I am allowing myself to see mine, and in turn see hers. And not repress them, like my adoptive mother did to me. When she finally lost her cool time and time again when I was not behaving as she expected or could handle. As she needed me to always be happy in order for her to feel good. And then she guised it all in the name of "respect your parents," even though she was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. The world is open to her, and the more I show her that it's okay to be herself, the more she can be who she was always meant to be. That is what we need in the world- more strong, healthy self-esteemed, people who can give back to the world with love and abundance.

When I fly, I can help others fly. As Teal Swan said, compassion and understanding helps people let down their walls, instead of you forcing them to. Heart.