Helping My Bio/Adoptive Brother Face His Pain

It was interesting that my talk with my brother yesterday after months of not talking, seemed to have much less codependency than usual. I think the time and healing on my part made me more objective. He also admitted more to adoption being trauma that affected him just like me. It felt good to get validation from my brother. I also began to see him as very broken and fragile, like how he said he can't make friends because everyone avoids him. I asked him if it is because he is desperate, and he denied that and said the opposite- he doesn't trust people and so doesn't open up. I told him that could mean that he gave up on people from what happened in childhood, but he still feels needy and people sense it.

He was shocked to hear that and that people can tell those this. And that people want positive, kind people to be friends with because they want to know that they will feel heard. We both go through the same feelings of isolation, and he heard how it was from being adopted. The bond between mother and child breaking at birth. It was good to hear that he bought it. He said my posts on Facebook about my pain where too depressive for him, but it was not in an angry making way- like how I felt when he told me his massive issues 2 years ago. I told him how I would feel like he was ruining my life, and he was shocked. I think it was because of the nature of our childhood as I told him. I was the one who resented all his anger and attention from my parents, thinking I wanted him dead so I could live. He was so surprised, and said in childhood he thought I was the one who shut him out and he was secretly scared of doing well in school because he thought I would kill him. How interesting when you share your perspective and hear others how different they may be. It was also like synchronicity that he felt my hatred toward him. I discussed it with him, that maybe that was why he had struggled in school. He said partially could be. I never realized how much power I had as a child, to hurt him so much when I stayed in my room to escape the chaos outside. He felt hated by me. It was just my defense to feel safe that I hid in my shell.

We discussed how babies need their mother and the relationship with their parents in first years of life shape how they see others. He was shocked and connected the dots as to why he never felt connected. He said even as a child he didn't feel like he and our mother were close. He said he was traumatized by our father because he needed a male figure more and my father threw a chair at him in fury one time, him missing it by luck escaping the dent it left in the wall. It was nice to hear him say that our mother did not know how to care about others, although he attributed it to her childhood and upbringing being different. I said it was not an excuse, and he said she was just very shallow and tried her best... I said she adopted us without caring about our origins, just wanting a child. He said yes. It could be. I was satisfied.

Yes she is something else, childish and can't handle our emotions. Always tried to shut them down from day 1. But she still wants us to be her kids. My brother's self esteem is in the pits, and he can't help himself. But he is strong, I see that he keeps going. Despite it all. We adoptees have a strength of armor all our lives, because we have carried ourselves alone for all of time. Therefore, we are not as bogged down by mistreatment from others like other people. We expect it already, and have our own backs to square it. But as my brother said, he can kill someone with all his anger with his bare hands if he didn't control it. That is the primal rage of having been left alone by mother as a crucial age. Always looking to revenge what was done. Never find true peace in other's company. That is the legacy of adopted people, who are not allowed to grieve for their trauma.

I felt clearer headed and more strong than ever when I got off the phone after an hour. My hard work of facing my pain as trauma was finally paying off, it helped me be strong enough to encourage and see my brother for his own pain. Without feeling the need to fix him because I couldn't see my own. I take care of myself, and good things come along with it. I felt like I finally had a voice, and was not just a pawn for my brother to use. He also said that that anger he sensed in me vanished a few years ago, and it made sense due to the timing of my work on self differentiating. Ignoring all the chaos I was prone to let suck me dry. I gained my own energy and now I could help others, more authentically. Not only out of a place of desperation.

It is so important to allow your true feeling to be even though you think it is selfish. It is not, only your past self hate and doubt tells you so. Reality is that you need a body before you can even do anything in this world.