How Your Parents Judged You is How You See G-d As Judging You

Over the holiday of the Head of the year, where we are all judged and accounted over for the coming year, I as usual bypassed my true feelings and projected them onto my husband when I saw him not happy as I was pretending to be. It was unconscious though. And had to come out eventually. So I got all angry at night, blaming all the people who hurt me and felt like it was all their fault that I was in pain and struggling to stay afloat in my life now. I thought of how my north node in the first house and South node in the seventh house, which is how I act around others, made me be such a people pleaser and not my true self or potential because of how others saw me. I wondered why the hell I had married my husband for the thousandth time, and knew I had only myself to blame and so I hated myself and wanted to scream. Instead, I shook in anger and pinched his hand hard when he sleepily reached out to me. He barely registered it and groggily turned away. I was seething.

The next day, I got up and felt shame and intense anxiety about the day. I knew I was being judged, and beat myself up for my bad behavior. I did not notice that I was in pain and only felt self-hate so I forced myself to fix what I did and be better. But my emotional body was crying in pain. I sighed and allowed myself a breather, hating myself for eating when I shouldn't. I blamed my daughter for not behaving well like yesterday and letting me pray. So we went out. I walked to a park and she cried cuz wanted to cross the street and I felt like she was so burdensome. So I took her to a wooded area and moped to myself. I did not feel like meeting people. I was in too much pain. I walked in the nature,  and felt at one with it. Remembered doing the same in my childhood, when I was so sad I couldn't take it. It gave me a sense of freedom, like I was okay and worthy being among just nature and it did not matter that people did not care for me or hurt me. I could still be myself. And I felt gratitude for the safe space in those muggy trees and uninhibited roots, just being as they were with no pretenses. What a great metaphor. I sat on a soggy fallen tree and cried, feeling dejected. And dirty for my weakness. That I couldn't be strong. I was fighting myself not to be so weak and the more I fought the sadder I felt. I did not realize it then, and just thought I was pathetic and a loser. I allowed myself a few tears, but then felt dirty and bad for even complaining. So we walked out. I stood and watched a ditch and contemplating hanging myself from a string on the wooden poles there, thinking with fascination about the satisfaction and relief of letting go. Just floating up to the world of truth and leaving this torturous world. But it was no where near as strong as my need to be there for myself and the love in my life. So I walked out and trudged on. Thinking of the beautiful moments I had with my little one that made everything make sense.

We got home and I suffered a bit through the silence of waiting for my husband and preparing food to escape to heaven to. But I knew it was false, and would not fix what I felt. So I got angry at my daughter for not cooperating and shook her a bit angrily. She screamed in pain and I apologized, feeling monstrous. I soothed myself by telling her, "You hate me right? I am a monster." Over and over. I felt to blame for all the problems I had.

Then my husband came home, and I was a stone and he asked what was wrong. So I told him what a defeat I was, and he emphasized. But I did not feel worthy. So I told him it was his fault that he wasn't open to what his parents were and how they destroyed his childhood and self worth. We argued about it, and he finally admitted that his core of shame came from them. I knew our main issues came from childhood. I was just confused about why we had to feel bad about what we messed up on all year if it was mainly because of our trauma and fragmentation. He agreed that it made him feel strange in synagogue as he felt so lost and uncertain too. That was why he had felt so bad about himself the night before but covered it up with fake cheer. I had seen through it. When we face our true selves, fragmented parts and all, we can be truly in the present and happy. So I finally felt relief and we enjoyed and relished the good food. I actually accepted it when he said he appreciated the work I had done, because I believed I did a good job too.

I thought of how if only our parents would have loved themselves and allowed themselves to feel their pain, us kids would have felt happier.  Because they would not have hurt us and made us feel bad about ourselves in turn of their own anger. I told my husband, when there is a source for your pain and anger, you do not think it is endless and will never go away... Because you can pinpoint where it is from. And then get relief for your future that it does not HAVE to be suffering too. We can heal by knowing the source. Not feel shamed and like it is part of us. So this is what I thought of when we went out to "throw our sins into the river," a custom done on the holiday to cleanse ourselves. I never understood it the way I did now, even though I still felt a trace of guilt for not putting my daughter to sleep. I felt that I was pure deep down, because I was loving myself and giving myself compassion.

Even though I and we are not perfect,  and we still have lots of sins that we do regularly, we are where we are. As I told my husband. We cannot suddenly jump and become "monks" as they say. Growth has to come step by step. The point is to know that God accepts us the way we are and longs for us to come to him at our own initiative. That means we need self compassion too. My husband likened it to how we treat our child, saying that how we do that is how God has compassion on us. It is all the way you chose to see yourselves and the world. With a sympathetic eye, or judgment. We are who we are.

This is what I hate about judgemental people, that they look down on others because they expect them to be better. I do it too, and I need to accept people as they are or I have inner fragmentation that does not let me accept me from where I am. Parts in me that are struggling to grow up, that are still crying for attention and care that my mother and father did not give me. Self compassion is key. It changes how I see the world. I actually made a couple of friends, women who were OPEN to how I saw things, and I felt immediate kindness and love from them. I allowed myself to relax in their presence, because I felt safe. I need to only open up and be vulnerable with fellow safe people, because my own inner boundaries are weak and cannot handle excessive judgment. It seeps in too much.

Also, what we spoke about was what Teal Swan said- the way a child sees their parents will eventually become how they relate to God almighty. If their parents were tough on them, they will see God as a unreachable and tough power, whom is out to get them and vanquish them for their sins. This is how my husband and I grew up. I am trying to have compassion for my little one, and let her be free to be herself in my presence. At least not to shame her if she triggers me. It is never because she is "bad" or "intrinsically flawed.." all traits at this age are neutral and can be trained to be used for good or bad depending on how we nurture it.

Anyway. I am torn between believing in myself and not, and I have to take it slow and work towards my goals at a good pace. I want to change the world it is my passion to preach what I know and help others. I fear and shrink back when others undermine me and I feel stupid for trying. But I have so much love and happiness to spread, and I will never stop.