Letting Myself Be The Victim and Facing Truth

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I cannot expect myself to be perfect. I was adopted and not validated all my life for it. I struggle here, still alone. My husband does not always help me with my moods. I have to be there for my 2 year old toddler, to be a loving and attentive mother to her. I still don't have proper mirroring of who I am, as a person who is traumatized and broken from what happened to me. First we need outer validation, then we can start to validate ourselves. I read somewhere. I am fighting an impossible battle, thinking I must win. I am doing great things and need to recognize that. Only when I see what I need can I ask it from others.

I try. I fail. This is life. Reality. I have angry criticism in my head, from the inner critics that were formed during my youth. I need to recognize and allow myself to be a victim. To let myself breathe. As Lilly Shmaltz says in her YouTube video, the pain is too much to face at times and you need to allow yourself a breather. I guess I have been judging others strongly for not being able to face the pain, thus ignoring me. But maybe I need to allow myself to ignore the pain too. I am more than just my adoptee problem and pains.

I am a loving mother to a delightful young girl. She is smart and sassy and all the things I am proud of. I need to help nurture it in her, so that she feels confident in herself. I notice that the moment I turn away when I am distracted, she gets unsure and drops her chair or something she is working on. I need to allow her space and also hold my own space. This way she will not feel like the blame of all my hurts and insecurities.

Onward and upwards. If that's how it goes.

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