Listening To Your Pain Achieves Inner Peace and Not Looking for Others to Fill the Void

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I woke up with revelations. I had dream of my father dying and my feeling extremely disconnected, and my mother trying to guilt me. I realized that the root of all pain is ignoring your true feelings from how you were hurt as a child, like your parent shaming you by ignoring or beating you etc, and keeping to try to gain that love from them and being stuck in idealizing them. This us what my parents did to their parents, and then they passed on their rage and unmet needs onto their children. At a mere 1 years old my mother subconsciously tried to control me and only let me be perfect for her in order for her not to feel rejected. She could not handle her baby rejecting her because she was still stuck in trying to gain self worth that her parents never instilled in her.

This makes me very mad, how all those around me cannot see this or know what I know. Adoption causes trauma period. It is so obvious, yet they have their agendas to not see it and over-idealize their parent because they feel so unworthy of love. So they project that onto me and expect me to be perfectly grateful and not stand up for myself. Not seem "needy" or "bitter," because it reminds them of their own sadness that they hate and lock down because of shame. When we can acknowledge our shame and pain, we are no longer controlled by it. It no longer runs the show of all our interactions, because we know what we need and can give it to ourselves. That love and acknowledgement of our hurt. We do not have to listen to everything from the outside, and try to please every one around us. We can finally live for ourselves.

I had to get this off my chest. I am trying to live a happy life without being bogged down by the past and I can chose to do that. I feel so free now because I am not around them- the people who hurt me and continue to hurt me. We just got a Kangen water machine that gives us alkaline water and it is very freeing and delicious to drink. My daughter is not as repressed as other children because I do not try to control her to be as I feel pleased with; and she can follow her inner voice a lot. This makes every outing enjoyable and fun, because I can show her new things and watch the sweet ways she acts and interprets things. I never become ashamed of her and get worried about how others think of her. Because I mainly see her positiveness. Life is finally in my control. All because I listen to my inner pain and nurture it as much as I can. Yesterday I did not give in to the pain that was bubbling and yell in anger, I just listened to it and allowed it to exist even giving it what it wanted.

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