Mother's Opinion Is Not Everything

When you feel good about yourself nobody can bring you down. Not even your own mother. My mother drove me nuts yesterday, and today I learned a few things about myself.

It cut me deeply that she said that she doesn't think I am happy. I asked her why not, she said Well because a person needs parents, and cousins and siblings around... Especially a grandchild. I said, How come you don't say it in first person? I felt like she was objectifying things, and therefore not considered our personal story and why it was not applicable. I said that we do not do well with our grandparents around because it stresses me out, and my daughter is not better off when I am upset. She agreed and was quiet. But she still did not believe I was happy, and I told her I was.

I felt like a child again, trying to win my mother's approval. My throat constricted again, and I felt that helpless feeling that I felt so much from my childhood. That I was invisible. And I tried to fight, to defend myself. But she and her doubts were powerful. And the thing is, she didn't even realize it. Because she herself does not believe she affects me with her criticism, and thinks she has a right to say what she wants or thinks to me.

Like she said, she couldn't help me as a child with my pain. But she knew about it. But nothing would help me, she thought and so she just watched from aside and pitied me. It did not sound moral to me, and it sickened me to my stomach. I told her that indeed mothers can help their child with their pain, and it is their obligation and duty. She said "oh yeah," But dubiously. As if I was speaking gibberish. I explained desperately that kids see the world through how their mothers see them. My voice started choking and I wanted to cry. I ended with, "Do you understand?" sadly. And she said, "Yes but what can I do. I tried my best and that is up to you what to do." As in, she wouldn't change. She is a Taurus South node, so that is a stubborn mulishness to her. I heard her snap at my niece, and my heart dropped. I explained that my niece saw her as a grownup as God, and so there was no need to control her... She'd listen and follow example anyway. I felt so bad for her. Locked in a house of controlling grownups. And she answered like a puppet and I told my mother she did not need to answer if she was upset as she explained to me. They, my mother's side of the family, always seem to need to please others and force their kids to do the same. She said okay, and then asked me a few questions about my every day life, as if she was motherly and wanted to show it. I choked on a dry answer and then resolved the phonecall awkwardly. I hated my dependency on her.

So I realized that I am happy. And it's normal to be happy, when one is married and has a kid and lives in a nice home and has hobbies. I do not understand why she thinks I can not be happy, because I was adopted. And I realized that that is what she always thought of me
That I would never be happy and live with my adoption pain. Because she probably lives with her own pain and cannot see a way out.