Not Listening to My Feelings Causes Meltdowns

I have preached and not practiced. I hurt. My daughter today badly because I was ignoring my true feelings all day. I forgot myself. I pushed away my pain and wanted to do things for myself all day. I was in a tight spot because of yesterday leftover anger from yelling at my family. I cried afterwards, so I thought the pain was done and I was fresh again. But no. I woke up extra early, inspired to be a better person. I got up and ate breakfast with my daughter, being annoyed that she hadn't slept enough and too lethargic to try and get her to sleep again because feelings were bubbling in her that she was repressing. I ran away, thinking I needed my time to myself. It felt desperate - baking and getting things done. I felt desperate. Thinking back, it was my adoptee over acheiverness- thinking I had to accomplish something or else I was a failure. Not being comfortable in my body because of the trauma - like I read on one of my friend's instagram accounts.

All day I felt explosive deep down that was too painful. I listened to Ollie Mathews videos about narcissistic mothers wanting to use you and manipulate you to feel guilty for being no contact, and it hurt to hear because I knew my family was this way with me. I hated remembering how much they didn't care about me and only themselves. I made a video talking about my situation, needing to talk it out. About my confusion with my adoptive mother, and guilt over her giving us money to help pay for our new living when I still did not forgive her and she did not try harder to understand. I feel dismembered and isolated from everyone.

I went out with my daughter, thinking I'd be nice and take her to a park. But alas it was too hot, and I met a narcissistic woman who was up in my business acting like we were friends, whilst ignoring her babies emotions and playing with her like a doll. The baby had that same hyper active way of looking about, as if desperate for love. I got triggered. I ignored her after my daughter called me and seemed very tense and out of her body because of the clueless woman. I realized I had adapted to her questioning attitude because it is what I am at home with in others, codependent talk. She left shortly afterwards, but my confusion was still there and I lost energy and lay on a bench, eating my lunch desperately. My daughter called for me but I was too hot and tired so I did not go play with her. I decided that my inner child needed me now. But it was a nightmare trying to get home, as she tried to get me to play and wanted to have things her way. I didn't feel up to fighting and dealing with her tears, so I sat listening to a narcissism interview on YouTube with Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon. It was depressing. I wanted to go home but I was stuck there in the heat, hating myself for being weak.

We got home and I baked up some more food to distract myself. She wanted to help and I thought I was being very nice by including her. Went outside to take a "coffee" break and eat some snack. She joined and I felt smothered again. I went inside and she screamed. I became annoyed. I tried putting her to sleep, thinking I was calm. Yeah right. She didn't sleep and I blamed it on her repression. I listened to music and got angry when she was scratching me accidently when I was trying to do some research on birth charts, and she cried and told me, "You need help." I was astounded that she picked it up from me telling that to my husband last night. I laughed and agreed that I did need help, and I did love her but I was just sad. She looked at me.

Went to the living room and she asked me to play with her the "animals," meaning legos. I sat and cried inside. I just couldn't bring myself up today. I listened to a podcast from Marion Rose about 'Babies Have Real Feelings' and it resonated so much that I cried. She said, when we as mothers have problems expressing our own pain from babyhood, that was never listened to, we have a hard time hearing our child's... But the more you can listen the better your baby will feel because feeling feelings are physiological things in our bodies that need to come out or else they can get stuck. And the key that touched me was when she said that this may be hard to hear for you, because society does not see it... And listen to your feelings and turn it off if it is too much. She believes very much in being compassionate with yourself, because how you treat yourself is the most important. And it hit me that I haven't been treating myself nicely at all today. And I beat myself up over not being a good mother. Not being able to function. And I remembered someone saying on instagram that just waking up and eating breakfast is a big accomplishment for us adoptees. And I agreed. And my husband told me on the phone, that I am doing great for being at home all day. I disagreed, but after I hung up it sunk in and I allowed it to. I had just pushed my daughter off me cuz I felt smothered, like she was eating the life of me. And she fell on the blocks and cried the most saddest sound I ever heard. And I let her lean on me and cry and cry pitifully, just watching her remotely. I couldn't take it in because I was feeling so disgusting myself. I rolled over and let myself cry a bit on the floor. My pain finally got released, and I knew who I was finally. The pain got unstuck.

She is now sleeping peacefully, and I learned that I can never trust myself to be too healed and perfect. The pain needs to be seen. Thanks to Marion Rose and some adoptees on instagram that allowed me to embrace myself.