Safe Space With My Real Dad

I am alone without siblings who are there for me. Out of the 5 that I have... All over the world. They all pretend I don't exist.. Aside from the one that I badger asking how he is because he doesn't visit me or call me at all anymore. I feel shot in the heart. But I am grateful that at least my birth Dad is there for me. We spoke on the phone yesterday for a long time, about this and that. I noticed that I can be very attending to him and often ignore my true feelings, of awkwardness or uncertainty. So I started to talk about adoption matters and how lonely I feel, and he listened and said yup. He is the only one who will want to hear it as much as he does, because he is my actual father and cares- not just to get something from me. It is awesome and I was shocked by it. It gave my hole in my soul a happy feeling, as I heard in his voice that he felt like I mattered. It almost feels like rebellion, because I am talking to him about my anger at my birth family and society, something that was taboo all my life. He tries to make me feel better, but not because he needs to but because he cares. And so even though he may not fully get it, he actually cares to try and I never got that from ANYONE else in my life so far. That knowing. Sigh. I guess no one can take the place of a true parent, no matter how much they want to or are desperate to. They just will never care about you like you are part of them- and they are responsible for you. No matter how much my adoptive mom claims she cares, I know she is really out for herself- to make herself feel good that she did the right thing. And she would be angry if she heard this- because she has convinced herself that she is my real mother and that she cares about me as any biological mother would their child. This is why my life is so lonely, because I was led to believe that my feelings of something being off was never validated.

But any way, he is not perfect and spoke about how he is happy to everyone. He said he never seems upset, and people that are always angry ask him what is his secret. I asked him that too. He said he has me and his other friend and my mother. I told him, what about your other 3 children who never talked to you. Because they don't want to as they think you don't care about them. He acts like they are still with him though, and said he is very happy that I contacted him 2.5 years ago. When I visited and we saw one another for the first time in 12 years. We reminisced about it again. It makes us happy to think about the good days. I told him I had to come see them again, for my own well-being, and he said "we are always here for you." As usual. He started talking about how people want him to meet a girl and get married maybe, but he is not interested because he is used to being alone. He seemed to need to mull it over, so I just listened and encouraged him saying he may be happier this way... He said that the truth is, he would melt if a girl hugged him because he is so not used to it. I understood that it was lonely for him but he was used to it. It was sad, and I actually cared more seriously than when other people tell me their sad situations. I wanted to show that I was understanding, because I did not want him to feel that way. I thought about how my adoptive mother would have just dismissed him as a desperate, unfortunate person, but to me he was still high up on my respect chart. I still thought he was a great person who mattered. Every time my brother or I would be happy talking to someone new, she would say that we were needy or that the other person was just being nice. This is why her views play with my head everytime I start to feel good about myself or others in connection to me.

Anyway, he said that if my sister, his other daughter would see him, she would be proud of him. I agreed. It struck me that he was having good self esteem and not being arrogant. He knew who he was and that was probably what kept him happy. I said goodbye and attended to eating dinner with my family. We were all happier and more at peace subconsciously now, because I had spoken to someone real and my father. Someone who didn't gas light me and make me feel stupid for having the feelings I have. I am ever so grateful for my daughter, and how she is confident in my care for her and casually reaches for me in her sleep as she eats and settles comfortably in my space, safe.