Emotional Breakdown

I couldn't take it anymore and started crying today. After a few hours of trying to put my daughter to nap, while thinking of the Rabbi's words from the emails back and forth discrediting adoption trauma. He was firm and seemed blind to my pain. I was starting to spiral, and not see my pain as real once again... Like it was all my childhood. All the proof and books and validation from Adoption support groups flew out of my head, in the face of this important Rabbi minimizing it. Saying that I had to be grateful, that I was foolishly blindingly following the researchers who did not know the Torah... It stung and angered me. That he could be so naive and judgemental. I even poured out my pain to him and he thought it meant I was angry and mad at him. I Was triggered. Adoptees who feel their pain is invalidated can do crazy things, because of the trauma of a lifetime of hiding the pain... It's like we are orphans, I thought, and shouldn't people treat us more sensitively as it says in the Torah?

So I was fragmented and stifled from having no people to see me. I felt fragmentation of the world around me and cried. I also heard Teal Swan say that if you don't have people to see you you cannot fix yourself. Also thought of how my adoptive family did not want to hear any of it. Not to mention the friend that I reached out to, who shut me down once again and when I voiced my anger she blocked me. It hurt so much. I sat and cried,and my husband listened. I felt like I needed him to just see me, even though it felt infantile in need. I cried and my sobbing became fast and short of breath, reminding me of the cries I and my brother used to make when we were young and did not get our way. I always knew the pain was much more than that, but it was taboo to think about so I kept in my feelings.

I cried and cried, seemingly uncontrollable. I said how can I be a mother when I feel unheard from all sides. He agreed. He repeated after me that it was true that my adoptive family was not there at all for me. Maybe physically but they couldn't see me and never reached out in my times of pain. I sobbed and sobbed, saying how I feel like a demon because my parents probably conceived me in lust and not love and that was why I couldn't love anyone. My mom never knew what love was because she gave away her kids. Even if it was unintentionally. She was adopted too.

My daughter watched me, a bit sadly and scared as I threw myself down and wailed. At least I had my husband. But I did not feel up to being a mother. As much as I loved her, I could not see my kid's pain. I scratched my head in frustration at myself, and it scared her. I flashed back to my mother doing the same action when we were younger, and shuddered at what I was doing.

Yes at least my daughter is connected to me through blood, and she knows the love is there. It is not like adoptees who do not have that security. I only wished the world would know it, but it seems like it is such a trivial matter compared to other trauma that I come across as spoiled or dramatic for speaking it. But it is my truth, and that affects me daily so I need to find a way to voice it. Let's face it, the way it is now is not helping. I am terrified of change though, because I am scared of not being good enough to get it. I also feel like I am too shattered. As my husband stated, I am carrying soo much for such a young person, as Ollie Mathews had thought. I really am, my adoptive mother's pain, my father's, brother's, and natural parents'... I really don't know how I am standing.

I look at my daughter, and think it is a miracle that she is even happy sometimes. I am not cut out for mothering, as my past indicates, and I am still doing it. I know love matters.