Fight

I woke up and decided I had a right to be selfish and be seen in my adoption issues. As Joe Soll had told me. But it was at the wrong time and I was irrational at 3 a.m. plotting my revenge. Bursting into tears. I realized that all my suffering was from not being seen as the real me all these years! And how I still didn't fully believe I have a right to my feelings even though I write about it all day. I felt awful and like a massive hypocrite. I had an Identity loss and felt confused about who I was. As I read in Anne Heffron's memoir, that adoption makes you want to run from relationships because you feel stuck, but stay because you do anything to get loved. So I had done this in my life with jumping into marriage when it was loveless and I was not getting my needs met. I also read about Anne Heffron that she wanted to write a book because she didn't want to forget about doing it, the way her adoptive mother had been so reluctant to follow her own dream of writing a book and didn't get to until her dying years. I was impressed with the relationship with Anne's daughter, how she said she loved her more than anyone in the world. And I was scared that my not following MY dreams of facing adoption head on and pursuing something in that field, would discourage my daughter and bring me regret. So I felt I needed to get out to get my identity.

Alas my husband was hurt and said he tried his best. Actually screamed a lot. I felt invalidated too for how he was angry at me for sticking to my feelings. As if I was wrong. He acted childish and I mocked him like he needs me as a Mommy, and I was done trying to save him. Just like Anne had thought she had to save her spouses... He told me I was going extreme as usual, and then that he wanted to change. I doubted it and told him he lied to me in the past. We fought 3 different times today, each dramatic. The last one had a bit of pushing each other in anger, as we both felt so unheard.  Finally, as usual he convinced me that he cared and wanted to help but he had his own issues that he did not show. I accepted it and felt dumb. I had not slept much from all my emotions, and I was stuck in my pain. I just want a way out already. I am sick of settling for crumbs. But as he convinced me, and I think it is mainly because he needs the relationship to work out because of his shame or need for stability, that we do try to help each other and will get better. I feel frustrated and sad. I wonder if it is all projection and I am to blame, equally. I just want to be happy and seen though. Is that so bad? I can't fix him, and he says I have issues too due to my upbringing and not trusting men. How I don't let him in. And I feel blamed. I say that I would trust the right person. But he is so hurt and angry and yelling that I cannot think straight. I just want it to end. Maybe I am being dramatic. My adoptee feelings. I don't know any more. I do have a need to be happy and deserve it. He did say we need to renew our life together and he'll read books on adoption. He also is open to admitting his childhood traumas.

On the other hand, he opened me up to how screwed up I really am. Telling me that he was shocked at the things I've talked about in my past, not caring about the wrongs. It gave me hope that my actions were real. And that I am not perfect. I told him I feel put on a pedestal with him and it reminded me of my upbringing and I was really a broken child inside. He was too. And we were not noticing each other's truth.

I do feel like my shadow side had to come out and it was a test for him. Just like the baby sees if it can love it's caregiver by pushing away. I really felt in danger of losing my self. But he clings on to me, telling me he still loves me more and wants to hold me when I cry. Is it unhealthy for us? I don't know. I did cry a lot in the end and felt broken open, like the game was up. I still am not sure if this relationship is helping me or not. Am I just always destined to repick my past people who were unseeing of me, and try moving heaven to try to? And they hold on like a last breathe to try saving me. It makes me feel so... Needy and taking up too much space. I do feel like he doesn't see me enough and I do try too hard to explain who I am tp him.  That can't be right in a relationship. I am so confused.