Holding My Fragmentation with Love

And I've realized what I am doing, finding love in my own house and not in the outside, has many rewards and true happiness in it, even though I don't always see it. When I played music, Secrets by Jacob Lee, and some Ed Sheeran song, I saw how the music reflected the love in my life. That I just need to take it. But, as Teal Swan says in Fear of Intimacy, people who grew up in households that did not allow them to feel loved for who they were and were used only to their parent's advantage in their neediness, learned not to trust intimacy. Because they believe it smothers them, or causes them to be exposed for the shame they internalized about themselves. I see that so much in the world now, as it is close to impossible to have an honest conversation with people.

I was trying to reconnect with a ex friend that I ended things with in volatility, because we were both too needy and unaware, and I was trying to make amends... Because when we give to others we are really giving to ourselves due to our own inner pain being healed. So I wanted to help her and it gave me hope for love. Because I missed the good parts of our friendship, feeling unconditional love even though it was short-lasting and with pain. But Teal Swan said that when we are damaged from childhood and discovering true intimacy with other, it is very scary and hard because we have no idea how to do it. So I was trying to fix this relationship that I was drawn to. I was so nervous I was up all night because I was embarrassingly vulnerable about my feelings and she was not taking it well, making me feel shame. I should have realized that she was not open to caring about feelings because she had told me she didn't have emotional closeness with friends..

We ended up speaking, even with all the back and forth, and I saw that she was interested in being friends but she kept knocking how it's bad when people focus on their pasts and not live presently... I was disappointed and explained to her why I do it. It helps me change my life and feel in control. She heard me. I explained what I needed in friendship and she did show respect to it so I appreciated her. But I feel she doesn't trust people enough to accept her, and I want to help her by showing I do. Maybe that will help me heal parts of my own pain. My husband was happy for me that I was doing it, proud that I was mature and open about what I felt. It was nice to have support.

I hung up the phone with her as she rushed abruptly to go to her family, and I did not feel that old weight of pain like the last time this would happen, back 2 years ago when I was enmeshed and codependent. I felt like a separate person. And THAT'S what working on my emotional trauma from childhood brings- empowerment to chose self-love as opposed to old patterns.

I did feel a bit let down though, that she hadn't fully agreed with what I was explaining about the need to fill emotional needs in friendship, and realized that I had all I needed right here. And like Teal Swan said, in Fragmentation..., that when you love yourself you love others and do not experience separation outside.

And I noticed how my daughter knows I love her, even though I was not the best with seeing her today because of my ups and downs... But she is still trying to connect by being defiant to me and then I listen to her pain and she feels our connection again.