Learning About Shadow Side and Shame of Accepting Myself

What are people afraid of, in being friendly? They are scared of being exposed for who they are if the person happens to not accept them. They are ashamed of their subconscious drives, which they think are shameful based on the fact that they reject them. So they are paranoid about other people exposing them.

This is even more so the more narcissistically wounded a person is. They do not have boundaries, and need others to make them feel better about themselves. The more inner fragmentation and pain a person has, the less they will be comfortable opening up to others.

This world is a house of mirrors. We all see what we project of ourselves out to others. We cannot see good in someone unless we see it in ourselves. And if we hate an aspect of ourselves, we will despise it in others too. And the person will feel rejected by us. Children are the most extreme example of this, because they do not have a sense of self yet and are developing it so how others feel about them is crucial. Therefore they are so sensitive to any indication of rejection, because they are wired to form self-identity based on what adults treat them as. Therefore, the more accepting adults are of them, the more they will accept and be themselves. That is why it is so hard to be a parent. We need to constantly monitor our feelings and responses, both emotionally and physically, with them. I am working hard to accept my daughter for who she is.

I realized something based on Teal Swan's insight of how everyone supports the world through their own way. We have a right and obligation to share our gift to the world. What we are good at. Often we do not know what that talent is because we were so put down and repressed in our lives. So we would have no answer when asked, but our close friends would know it on the spot because it is that obvious to people who know us. I am trying not to hate myself for feeling superior at something particular, because I was taught that it is distasteful to feel good about myself... But here goes.

I guess, I will admit, in my very heart of hearts that I love learning new things and teaching them to others. I love love, and spreading it around to others. Because deep down I love myself so I love the world. The thing is, I feel this is bad of me, and I should be doing things the hard way. I should be better. That critical voice in my head tells me it is not enough, and if I want success in life I must struggle and do things I have a hard time with.

The thing is, we are meant to Do Good in the world. G-d wants us to use our gifts. And do what is naturally cut out for us.

I wonder what I will do about this. It seems impossible. Sigh. I am already doing some of it here though. But most of the day I am doing things I don't love, like caregiving my family and cooking and cleaning and baking. Those are just small things I am good at, but I absolutely hate chores and the monotony of it.