Roles in Romantic Relationship

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I was projecting on my husband the not caring about me. I was also projecting on my daughter than she doesn't know I care. When will this adoption issues end? Or my self esteem issues. I don't wanna call it from adoption because then I will not feel like it is part of me. We need to face our selves as my husband and I said... Trying to see what went wrong. It seems like too much of a maze we got stuck in.

I always felt he didn't see me, because he didn't seem to get my feelings and make me feel good about myself. I thought I was doin all the effort and being a perfect wife while he was using me and slacking. I felt taken advantage of, for my body, and soul. Because I was not feeling loved. Like I felt all my life with everyone. 

I realized for me to feel loved, I literally need someone to smother me with care. And always Know my feelings. Otherwise I feel neglected.

Meanwhile, he loved me fully in his way, but could not show it because he was scared and didn't trust himself. So he hid his emotions. But truly he does see my pain and cares. He said it had something to do with not knowing when he could talk around others and having to shut up whenever he said something wrong. He hid his feelings and could not speak out against the ways I verbally attack him. 

For me, I saw that I had no patience anymore for his problems and did not care anymore as he did about me. I was so sad I couldn't speak so I shut him out. 3 years of not understanding each other, and lying that we loved one another. It was just like our childhoods of pretending we loved our family. And marriage should be more alive and feel good,  as it is the foundation of all good in life.. Without happiness in it, there is shame, pain, and covering up lies. And bad for the kids, not to mention. I am terrified that I almost ended up in this route, just like my parents. Knowing truth is not enough, you need to do something about it.

So now we have to face ourselves. All our shame for the parts of us that we disowned due to abuse and emotional neglect.

My daughter was running around and I knew she knows we love her, and is not living in perpetual pain like I did... But I was still feeling like a failure so I lured myself away to eating from the pain. At 4:30, 6 hours after she woke up exhausted still, she was crying and I thought maybe she'd go to sleep. And she screamed a lot at first, but then she did. As usual, I am amazed that she feels so comfortable in my arms. Because I never am sure I am comfortable in my own.

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