When We Try To Fix People To Avoid Our Own Pain Backfires

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I was so embarrassed and in Shame attack that I wanted to delete my whole Instagram. Because if my husband said it was crazy what I had said to the guy, I was a fake. It hurt so bad and like no one was on my side. I cried and cried.

Later heard Matthew Hussey say that nobody wants someone who is obsessed with them. And I realized that I had been obsessive, not truly living my own life and and desperate for this narc's love... Because I needed to prove to them that I was the good choice... That I neglected myself. And it had been triggered by my abandonment trauma and trying to solve their pain of not being loved and fix myself through that. But truly, you can only help someone else if you are whole. As Melanie Tonia Evans says in the 10 Steps To Healing From Narcissistic Abuse.. I am so relieved now because I knew it was not me, and that I was just doing what was instinctive to me, without consciously trying to be bad. Adoptees are desperate for love, that they never had. And I acted out of it.

And I realized also that my husband does not feel whole, himself. He cannot handle the thought of me not wanting him, and being annoyed at his fixing me ways. As I told him, he doesn't get me so he cannot help me. I need someone who is aware of me. As this narc seemed to be, until he told me that he was very emotionally unhealthy and I could not be with him unless I was perfectly healthy. I dove into it trying to save him, but not having enough resources to recognize that he couldn't fix me either. So I acted desperate trying to get it. It didn't work.

I even noticed mu desperation, and how I lost my stability and self and could not do my usual activities. I cried like a baby in the car when I perceived that he had rejected me. I felt like I lost my baby. I felt crazy because nobody saw my pain. It was all past trauma triggering- the deep shame and unworthiness of love... I realized that I can have my whole self and it does not matter if others don't see me. It was a hard lesson. But I do need someone that sees me well, unlike my husband because he is too enmeshed with needing me to accept him the way he is. And I cannot because I need more caregiving.

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