A Baby and Toddler Feel their World Through Their Mother

The world only exists through women. Physically and emotionally. Without having a connection with one’s mother, a person fails to develop relationships with others. The relating they have with their mother is going to be the start and continuation of the way they relate to all other people in their lives. 

The way they see others is their attachment style with their parents, the first ones they ever attached to. This makes so much sense if you think about it. A baby and toddler is just starting to learn about their world. What goes in is what will be there as the foundation of their lives.

For example, I have a very avoidant and mistrustful attachment, to the point of doubting others who tell me they love me. I need to see it proven. I learned this by being abandoned as a baby, and not paid attention to in my feelings growing up. My adoptive brother got all the attention, and I learned that silence and compliance was what was needed from me. However, I never actually felt loved, for who I am. It was only for a part of me, the “good child.” 

I am trying to shift these beliefs, that I am loved only when I act “good.” When I accept my painful, repressed feelings I can finally feel loved by others who accept it, too. I still have to stay away from people who do not love me when I am in pain.

With my own child, the perception of how loved she is is based on how I feel about myself. Therefore, it is hard to accept her all the way, because I still struggle with parts of myself. Aware Parenting helped me realize that. That my defensiveness of her feelings had to do with my own unresolved feelings in childhood. Sometimes it is so bad that I forget that I love her at all, and of course hurt her and confuse her own self-esteem.

The magical moments come when I can hold her and see her tears and rage, and understand them. Love her fully, without conditions. It makes me feel very good and connected to her, and drives me to try harder to experience connection.

I see that I am not perfect, and very far from truly accepting everything about her without my own blocks in the way. I am broken inside, and her pain triggers me to experience my pain.

What I went through was being seen as an outsider, for the  emotions I had and for being adopted and not part of the blood family I grew up in. It caused me shame and low self-worth.