Missing Unconditional Love in Society, Orthodox Jews, Repression

I finally realized what it is. What the entire problem is in the stalling of the redemption - Messiah. I was bawling, feeling like this is it. The guy seemed to block me. It hit me like a knife in my gut when I noticed it. I waited weeks to hear from him, part of me still believing he would. After all, he promised me love and full devotion. He told me he felt nothing without me. But I messed up big time. I tested him again and again, not believing he was serious. Why would he love me? I felt too ugly, too boring, not sophisticated enough for him. And he proved this by talking about how other women may be more for him, and insinuating that I wasn’t the type to jump out of a plane which is what he wanted to do with his love. Honestly I didn’t believe he was looking for a wife, or me for that matter. But I loved him so much. He was everything in my life- my rock. I looked up to him like a devoted servant, ready to do anything for him. I felt his pain acutely, and I jumped at every opportunity to talk to him. My heart pounded out of my chest when he looked at me. And now.... weeks after some weird incident on Facebook where his account got spammed or marked abusive, his picture and name came back.... but I couldn’t message him. It said he did not exist. It hurt soo bad I was shocked. All over again. After all we had been through. I loved him more than anything in my whole world. He was the reason I breathed. That I went on every hope, holding on to the hope that someone loved me, and would make it all better one day. That my love was real, and I was real. And now..,. I feel like he’s gone and I am alone. I have my daughter, but she depends on me and I can’t face how I hurt her when I get sad and hopeless. But I do, and it hurts so bad. I tell her I am sorry over and over, but the scary thing is she may start not believing it anymore. Become immune to my pain I am showing her, even though I apologize and feel bad. Truth is, I fear starting to feel numb too. This is my biggest fear. that I will lose hope.

So I was praying and crying like an animal, suddenly my love and devotion for G-d awakened and felt so strong. I felt guilt for the weeks of not speaking to him. I blamed it on the fear and catastrophic atmosphere around, losing my job and the awful virus going around. I felt the fear in the streets, as people rush to stock up their houses, in case of a quarantine if the disease becomes viral🤯. Honestly I was not that worried about it, as I was more scared of my depression and insanity /mental health. From all the gaslighting of adoption not being a problem, and the adoptees speaking up about having pain are just ungrateful. I know it’s not true, and that I’m right, but hearing it from adults and my ex in-laws, who I grew up to honor and revere, punched my guts in revulsion. So I was truly alone. It was also a relief, to know that all my inner shame and feeling was real and had reasons. It was right in front of me- their ignorance and shutting their eyes and ears at me. Jeering and being snotty at me, calling me a baby and insane. It hurt so bad, but their inner worlds where a mess I saw. And on the physical world it looked the opposite - they had the epitome of success, a beautiful owned home, grandchildren and children who revered them. But I and everyone knew the stress they put themselves through, and the shouting and anger that went on behind closed doors. A child never had a chance with expressing pain in that house.

As I was crying, hopeless and alone, it hit me the reason.... they always spoke about the redemption not here because after the first and second Temples of G-d were destroyed, for baseless hatred and for immorality, we keep perpetrating the same sins over and over and so it’s as if we destroyed it each year. This ALWAYS CONFUSED ME SO GREATLY, BECAUSE I NEVER SAW HATRED BEING CONDONED, I SAW IT AS REPRESSED AND PRETENDED TO NOT EXIST. THAT WE CANNOT JUDGE ANYONE BECAUSE WE WERE ALL FLAWED AND WE ALL DID OUR BEST. However this meant it was enabled, and passed as normal. To hate and not trust others was/ is seen as NORMAL, BECAUSE SAYING OTHERWISE WOULD BE UNNACCEPTABLE IN SOCIETY, TOO. Here’s the issue. It exists.

And IMMORALITY.. that made no sense to me. Jews, Orthodox Jews, being immoral?? We dressed “modest” to the highest degree, and even if there were tight clothes and sexy wigs (“hair covering after marriage”), there was no cheating going on?!! It seemed as if we were perfect in that regard, as well. BUT NO, NOW I REALIZE THAT IMMORAL CAN MEAN WANTING WOMEN OR MEN THAT DO NOT BELONG TO YOU AND LUST. AND THAT IS REAL ESPECIALLY BECAUSE OF THE SEXUAL REPRESSION AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMA WE HAVE LOADS OF DUE TO PARENTS HITTING THEIR CHILDREN AND CALLING THEM BAD, PUSHING THEM AWAY FROM THEIR TRUE SELF THEIR HEART THAT LONGS TO BE LOVED.  YES WE HAVE NO LOVE. That’s what lead to immorality, because it starts with a child. Connecting to his feelings. A child doesn’t know what “Trauma” is, they only know what is happening to them. And if there is yelling and pain they are put through, they become disconnected from themselves and others. They lose the ability to be spiritual. And THAT is why it says, when a person cries they are returning to themselves! Because crying is expressing your emotions, and if a person cannot cry that means they are numb, or disconnected from themselves. They cannot connect to G-d if they are not connected to themselves, of course. It flashes before me how I was shamed for my true feelings, yet also told that my true feelings was the only way to connect to G-d. How confusing.