The State of Emotional Life

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One thing I need most in my life is connecting with other people, and having validation. This makes it very difficult for me to live in NYC, where I have not found people I can just meet up with and talk about my deep inner truths and struggles in life. I find the rush of the city to be draining of emotional energy, and relaxation time. Having my 3 year old daughter by my side all day, due to the mistrust I have of others’ care of her, makes it more stressful to find something to do every day to stimulate my connection needs. I find my mind wandering away, wishing things to be different, when she is waiting for my presence with her and to play with me. The stress sets off my impatient tone, and further increases her insecurity and disconnection from me.

I can’t help it. I feel awful, unsure how to fix things and make her feel good. Those feelings further take me down guilt paths.

Acknowledging the fear in the air these days, due to the Coronavirus scare, makes it normal for me to be experiencing all the dread and anxiety I am. It feels like life is no longer easy and manageable at best, and the chances of getting a job seem slim to none. My skills, being intuitive, highly sensitive, and caring, do not seem to earn a place in the job market. It feels like I am in the wrong part of the world, and no matter how much I try to be what is needed, I fall. I guess part of me does not want to fit in and have that mentality that they are looking for- where work trumps emotions and feelings.

My emotions are tumultuous these days, but they have been for years, and I am only embracing truths I have never accepted before about myself. Years of repression and feeling not-enough are now at the surface, and I am fighting as hard as I can. I am worthy, my emotions do matter, and I can have them acknowledged by other people. I had to fight off my adoptive mother’s nagging me about not being able to leave a workplace if the people do not acknowledge my emotions, and I loudly answered her that if I allow my emotions to keep being unheard, how will I be able to look at myself and be happy?
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And she answered that that is what everyone does. They go to their jobs and do not like it, yet do not quit. It sounded absurd to me, and my feelings were screaming, no this is not how I want to live.

I know that ultimately I may just be embarrassed of myself one day for being so loose with my emotions, but I feel more in control then I ever felt before. I am no longer controlling my outside world, but am dealing with my emotional world from inside out. And it’s a mess, it’s dizzy, and never ending flashbacks of uncertainty and self-doubt. I am conquering it though. As I face myself, I face others more honestly, and I can’t help being myself. That’s why so many are bewildered by me, because I allow myself to be real and not know everything. I am still very worried about how I will make income, it was soo much easier relying on cut out employee jobs. But those made me feel controlled in my day and unhappy with where my daughter was spending her days. The playgroups she always screamed at attending every day. I want more quality time with my kid, as her childhood days are the best for bonding with her. And I don’t want her growing up with memories of my not being there for her at her most vulnerable stages.

Yes, it’s scary and uncomfortable, but my inner world and my daily life are finally started to sync up. It feels good, to not have to lie to myself daily anymore about my state of emotional wellness.

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