Attachment Trauma and Shame Internalized Projects on Our Own Children
She wouldn’t look me in the eye. I felt insecure. I guess if I don’t have a handle over my own emotional regulation....
It’s just so crazy- all day she was distracted. And I thought I was loving, but I guess I am more distracted most of the time too. I told her, Mommy is sad. She said she is sad too. I felt soo bad but I can’t help feeling sad and helpless. I prayed but not very fervently, and I realized if I want help I have to truly believe there’s no other help but G-d. Sometimes I rely on food for comfort- but it’s a substitute for intimate relationship, and that never helps things. It’s not real.
In Scattered by Gabor Mate, he says that ADD is, “...a lack of inhibition, a chronic under activity of the prefrontal cortex. The cerebral cortex in the frontal lobe is not able to do its job of prioritizing, selection and inhibition.” Therefore the brain cannot focus, too flooded with information (Page 41). This is exactly what I see in my daughter and I. Try as I might, I cannot focus on the present, and I get carried away with other thoughts. I see the same hyperactivity in her, and when she looks at me, it is half dazed and barely concentrating on what she’s saying. I’m used to this type of thinking, and I can pinpoint what she is meaning right away with a few words, as I get how she thinks.
Genetics are real, as Nancy Verrier says, try as they might, adoptive parents cannot pick up how to mirror their adopted child, and the kid goes through a sense of having to be hyper vigilant to know how to “be,” to fit what the parent expects (Page 395). For example, I can tell right away what my kid is scared of when she screams that she heard a noise. Instinctively, because I know that at her age I would be scared of the same thing.
I realized today that without love we have nothing. Nothing can function well without a stable relationship and environment. I was unconscious in the past, only doing things for others approval because it’s how I was raised- to fix other people. I woke up and read the book Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw, and I worried about the way a child repressed their emotions when they are shamed by their parents. I worried my daughter was in denial about her pain, and I let it go on because I was unable to see her and validate her needing my attention, instead of being distracted and barely happy daily. Children need someone to affirm and meet their needs and feeling, and they need structure. They feel abandoned and shamed for their needs when they are not met, like they have no right to depend on anyone (Page 82). I asked her today, do you know I love you? And she said, “No! You don’t don’t say it!” I was worried she had developed a “fantasy bond” with me, where the child is so violated and feels so lowered in self-value that they have to have an illusion that the parents loves them (Page 104). I do not want to see her feeling this way, as I have all these years. She seems in denial because she doesn’t want to tell me when she’s sad, and pretends to be happy. Denies with all her might when I try to ask her if I hurt her.
My adoptive mother asked today, are you ever going to be happy and not angry so much anymore? I was taken aback, and triggered beyond words. I was “flooded” in emotions of pain I realized, from her not understanding... but she never did. And I pulled myself out of it, and answered her confidently, no I will always have this pain I can’t make myself not adopted. She said it’s true, no one can change their situation, but will I ever be able to be calm enough to function? I was upset again, but noted that it wasn’t as bad as usual with how upset I got at her, and I was more detached. I said, I work through my feelings and read books daily. I sensed respect from her, and realized how she was a grown adult child too. Needy for my daughter’s attention, and even teasing her in a frivolous way that inappropriate for my child’s cognitive understanding when she said something my mother didn’t expect. She is unaware of how she feels and projects her insecurities on others.
I think my daughter who is 3.5 years old, needs autonomy from me, but since I am wrapped in my own codependent stage of love with the world, and see things from my neediness most times, she cannot move away from me. I project my insecurities on her subconsciously, not letting her grow up and be her own person.
I did not realize that my daughter actually sees me as someone so great that she looks up to for direction. That she would go in denial from her pain that I ignored and neglected her, because at that age they need attention and mirroring in order to feel valid, as Bradshaw says. I guess I am projecting my own feelings of not feeling enough on her, so I don’t think I make a difference to her. I am subconsciously looking to others for direction, and don’t realize I am an individual.
The counterwill says Gabor Mate is when a child goes against the parent in anything they ask, because he has not developed a sense of self and is trying to get his way. He feels unheard and unloved by his parents, so has to fight for his freedom. The only way to correct the behavior is to show the child empathy and be strong in one’s own will, so the child feels secure. If a child is to develop, he needs to be able to express his autonomy. When parents are not able to emotionally regulate themselves and react out of stress, they are shutting down his will and he reacts with opposition. “The child’s oppositionality is not an expression of will. What it denotes is absence of will, which... only allows a person to react but not to act from a free conscious process of decision making.” And counterwill is “...a natural but immature resistance arising from the fear of being controlled.” And “Like a psychological immune system, counterwill functions to keep out anything that does not originate within the child herself” (Page 186). It is seen when a child is going against what the parent says, even if the child actually wants that. It can also be expressed by passivity, by not doing what they should be doing, and points to internal resistance. There is nothing wrong with the child, it is instigated in him. “The greater the parent’s anxiety, and the greater the pressure he puts on the child” (Page 187). It makes perfect sense. Aletha Solter talks about this also, in her book Tears and Tantrums, she says that emotionally healthy children are persistent in getting their needs met, and they are happy and alert, cooperative, and full of resources (Page 114). Bowlby said that the failure for parent to accept the child’s negative feels can cause them to shut it out from the consciousness (Page 21). She says that “full acceptance of children’s painful emotions can... lead to healthier attachment in children” (Page 22). The process of crying while feeling safe can undo the response of a conditioned stress in children who suffered from a severe trauma (Page 20).
Gabor Mate in Scattered compares a child’s will to a vulnerable little plant that needs a protective fence, meaning boundaries and understanding, to grow. “It comes at a time when the sense of self is having to emerge of the cocoon of the family. It is a defense mechanism to protect...” and “Figuring out what we want has to begin with having the freedom to not want.” It is a natural thing, and not to be “identified with the child’s self.” The child is truly trying to get to the parental control, through fighting their controlling behavior. The child feels threatened only because their sense of self is being attacked before it gets the chance to develop (Page 188). The underdeveloped self-regulation is just reacting (Page 189).
I see this in my daughter that when I force her to listen to me, as it is from my own inner discomfort, she pushes back and never does. I am proud of this part of her, it shows me that she has a developing will and is fighting for it.
I worry about her being stunted in her will, the way I was, because I carried my parent’s toxic shame about human needs because they never had it met. When shame becomes internalized, it becomes the identity of the person. This happens with the reinforcement of three factors: the person identified with their shame-based parent through attachment bounding and “carried their shame,” through the trauma of abandonment or severing of the interpersonal bridge, and the “interconnection of memory imprints, which forms collages of shame” (Page 30). “Toxic shame, with its more-than-human, less-than-human polarization, is either inhuman or dehumanizing.” There needs to be a false self to cover the authentic self. Life is all about achievement, life depends on “doing” rather than being. Toxic shame looks to the outside for happiness and validation, since the inside is flawed and defective” (Page 42).
The person can become so entrenched in their shame, that it has a function of its own, without the person choosing to feel that way. One cannot change if they feel so flawed (Page 43). I see that the only way to not pass on the. Trauma to my own child is to know where my feelings come from. If I know that I was shamed for my needs, I can see hers and accept them as real. By validating my own inner needs, I see my child’s. It is very hard for me because she triggers me to remember my own, when she begs for my attention and does things that make me feel unseen thus triggering my unmet needs. I know that I can’t expect her to meet my needs as that would be abusive to her. I know that I need to have them met in a healthy relationship of my own, such as in a spouse. I am aiming for that, as I continue to validate my shame and needs.
It’s just so crazy- all day she was distracted. And I thought I was loving, but I guess I am more distracted most of the time too. I told her, Mommy is sad. She said she is sad too. I felt soo bad but I can’t help feeling sad and helpless. I prayed but not very fervently, and I realized if I want help I have to truly believe there’s no other help but G-d. Sometimes I rely on food for comfort- but it’s a substitute for intimate relationship, and that never helps things. It’s not real.
In Scattered by Gabor Mate, he says that ADD is, “...a lack of inhibition, a chronic under activity of the prefrontal cortex. The cerebral cortex in the frontal lobe is not able to do its job of prioritizing, selection and inhibition.” Therefore the brain cannot focus, too flooded with information (Page 41). This is exactly what I see in my daughter and I. Try as I might, I cannot focus on the present, and I get carried away with other thoughts. I see the same hyperactivity in her, and when she looks at me, it is half dazed and barely concentrating on what she’s saying. I’m used to this type of thinking, and I can pinpoint what she is meaning right away with a few words, as I get how she thinks.
Genetics are real, as Nancy Verrier says, try as they might, adoptive parents cannot pick up how to mirror their adopted child, and the kid goes through a sense of having to be hyper vigilant to know how to “be,” to fit what the parent expects (Page 395). For example, I can tell right away what my kid is scared of when she screams that she heard a noise. Instinctively, because I know that at her age I would be scared of the same thing.
I realized today that without love we have nothing. Nothing can function well without a stable relationship and environment. I was unconscious in the past, only doing things for others approval because it’s how I was raised- to fix other people. I woke up and read the book Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw, and I worried about the way a child repressed their emotions when they are shamed by their parents. I worried my daughter was in denial about her pain, and I let it go on because I was unable to see her and validate her needing my attention, instead of being distracted and barely happy daily. Children need someone to affirm and meet their needs and feeling, and they need structure. They feel abandoned and shamed for their needs when they are not met, like they have no right to depend on anyone (Page 82). I asked her today, do you know I love you? And she said, “No! You don’t don’t say it!” I was worried she had developed a “fantasy bond” with me, where the child is so violated and feels so lowered in self-value that they have to have an illusion that the parents loves them (Page 104). I do not want to see her feeling this way, as I have all these years. She seems in denial because she doesn’t want to tell me when she’s sad, and pretends to be happy. Denies with all her might when I try to ask her if I hurt her.
My adoptive mother asked today, are you ever going to be happy and not angry so much anymore? I was taken aback, and triggered beyond words. I was “flooded” in emotions of pain I realized, from her not understanding... but she never did. And I pulled myself out of it, and answered her confidently, no I will always have this pain I can’t make myself not adopted. She said it’s true, no one can change their situation, but will I ever be able to be calm enough to function? I was upset again, but noted that it wasn’t as bad as usual with how upset I got at her, and I was more detached. I said, I work through my feelings and read books daily. I sensed respect from her, and realized how she was a grown adult child too. Needy for my daughter’s attention, and even teasing her in a frivolous way that inappropriate for my child’s cognitive understanding when she said something my mother didn’t expect. She is unaware of how she feels and projects her insecurities on others.
I think my daughter who is 3.5 years old, needs autonomy from me, but since I am wrapped in my own codependent stage of love with the world, and see things from my neediness most times, she cannot move away from me. I project my insecurities on her subconsciously, not letting her grow up and be her own person.
I did not realize that my daughter actually sees me as someone so great that she looks up to for direction. That she would go in denial from her pain that I ignored and neglected her, because at that age they need attention and mirroring in order to feel valid, as Bradshaw says. I guess I am projecting my own feelings of not feeling enough on her, so I don’t think I make a difference to her. I am subconsciously looking to others for direction, and don’t realize I am an individual.
The counterwill says Gabor Mate is when a child goes against the parent in anything they ask, because he has not developed a sense of self and is trying to get his way. He feels unheard and unloved by his parents, so has to fight for his freedom. The only way to correct the behavior is to show the child empathy and be strong in one’s own will, so the child feels secure. If a child is to develop, he needs to be able to express his autonomy. When parents are not able to emotionally regulate themselves and react out of stress, they are shutting down his will and he reacts with opposition. “The child’s oppositionality is not an expression of will. What it denotes is absence of will, which... only allows a person to react but not to act from a free conscious process of decision making.” And counterwill is “...a natural but immature resistance arising from the fear of being controlled.” And “Like a psychological immune system, counterwill functions to keep out anything that does not originate within the child herself” (Page 186). It is seen when a child is going against what the parent says, even if the child actually wants that. It can also be expressed by passivity, by not doing what they should be doing, and points to internal resistance. There is nothing wrong with the child, it is instigated in him. “The greater the parent’s anxiety, and the greater the pressure he puts on the child” (Page 187). It makes perfect sense. Aletha Solter talks about this also, in her book Tears and Tantrums, she says that emotionally healthy children are persistent in getting their needs met, and they are happy and alert, cooperative, and full of resources (Page 114). Bowlby said that the failure for parent to accept the child’s negative feels can cause them to shut it out from the consciousness (Page 21). She says that “full acceptance of children’s painful emotions can... lead to healthier attachment in children” (Page 22). The process of crying while feeling safe can undo the response of a conditioned stress in children who suffered from a severe trauma (Page 20).
Gabor Mate in Scattered compares a child’s will to a vulnerable little plant that needs a protective fence, meaning boundaries and understanding, to grow. “It comes at a time when the sense of self is having to emerge of the cocoon of the family. It is a defense mechanism to protect...” and “Figuring out what we want has to begin with having the freedom to not want.” It is a natural thing, and not to be “identified with the child’s self.” The child is truly trying to get to the parental control, through fighting their controlling behavior. The child feels threatened only because their sense of self is being attacked before it gets the chance to develop (Page 188). The underdeveloped self-regulation is just reacting (Page 189).
I see this in my daughter that when I force her to listen to me, as it is from my own inner discomfort, she pushes back and never does. I am proud of this part of her, it shows me that she has a developing will and is fighting for it.
I worry about her being stunted in her will, the way I was, because I carried my parent’s toxic shame about human needs because they never had it met. When shame becomes internalized, it becomes the identity of the person. This happens with the reinforcement of three factors: the person identified with their shame-based parent through attachment bounding and “carried their shame,” through the trauma of abandonment or severing of the interpersonal bridge, and the “interconnection of memory imprints, which forms collages of shame” (Page 30). “Toxic shame, with its more-than-human, less-than-human polarization, is either inhuman or dehumanizing.” There needs to be a false self to cover the authentic self. Life is all about achievement, life depends on “doing” rather than being. Toxic shame looks to the outside for happiness and validation, since the inside is flawed and defective” (Page 42).
The person can become so entrenched in their shame, that it has a function of its own, without the person choosing to feel that way. One cannot change if they feel so flawed (Page 43). I see that the only way to not pass on the. Trauma to my own child is to know where my feelings come from. If I know that I was shamed for my needs, I can see hers and accept them as real. By validating my own inner needs, I see my child’s. It is very hard for me because she triggers me to remember my own, when she begs for my attention and does things that make me feel unseen thus triggering my unmet needs. I know that I can’t expect her to meet my needs as that would be abusive to her. I know that I need to have them met in a healthy relationship of my own, such as in a spouse. I am aiming for that, as I continue to validate my shame and needs.
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