Ego Needs and Subconscious Projection on Children
When people are not done with their own ego development, they cannot love their child fully. If they do not know what they are lacking in their ego development, they will not be able to understand and support their child in that stage. For example, if a person did not get the chance to explore as a child, and be innocent and curious as children need, and he is unaware of this need of his, he will suppress it in his child. People do onto others what they do onto themselves, and the only way one can love others is if he loves himself.
John Bradshaw says in Healing the Shame that Binds You, toxic shame is where a person has grandiosity, and cannot see himself as human. It is either being either good or bad; “appear as narcissistic self-enlargement or wormlike helplessness.” It results from the “human will being disabled.” This happens through “the shaming of the emotions.” Emotions are meant to be discharged after an event triggers them, and then the intellect can make sense of it. When emotions are “bound in shame, their energy is frozen, which blocks the full interaction between the mind and the will.” The human will is the “appetite” which raises desires “to the level of action.” He says “it is dependent on the mind (reasoning and judgement) for its eyes. Without the mind, the will is blind and has no content. Without content the will starts willing itself... causes severe problems, some of which are:... The will tries to control everything... The will will experience itself as omnipotent or, when it has failed, as ‘wormlike.’” Toxic shame creates spiritual bankruptcy (Page 41).
Spiritually is the essence of human life, we are all spiritual beings who are existing on a physical plane to unearth our true spirituality. It “enhances and expands life,” Bradshaw explains. “Spirituality is about being..... why there is something, rather than nothing. Being is the ground of all the beings there are” (Page 42).
When a person is shamed to their core, they feel bad about themselves endlessly. The more shame, the more they feel hopeless and flawed as a human being. It is soul murdering. By being aware of the source of the shame, “we gain some power over it” (Page 43).
Shame based people often do not believe they having the right to depend on anyone, because of how they were violated in their dependency needs. Allowing oneself to trust others is risky, because it involves depending on others (Page 161).
When parents are shame based, says Bradshaw, they are unable to healthily mirror their child in the narcissistic stage of development they are at. This is because “...they never got their own narcissistic supplies.” They see their own children as “appropriate objects of narcissistic gratification” (Page 67). The child ends up taking care of the parent’s needs (Page 68).
The parent does not grow up, and so he does not know how to parent his own child. The child takes care of the parent instead of her own needs being met, of mirroring of emotions and encouragement in developing autonomy. Since I was able to understand my trauma and my needs being repressed all my life, I can now meet my needs and be there for my daughter. I understand her emotions being upset and hurt a lot when I am too busy for her, and I apologize and hug her, explaining the reasons for it. I see she understands, because she trusts me and acts calm around me in those moments.
John Bradshaw says in Healing the Shame that Binds You, toxic shame is where a person has grandiosity, and cannot see himself as human. It is either being either good or bad; “appear as narcissistic self-enlargement or wormlike helplessness.” It results from the “human will being disabled.” This happens through “the shaming of the emotions.” Emotions are meant to be discharged after an event triggers them, and then the intellect can make sense of it. When emotions are “bound in shame, their energy is frozen, which blocks the full interaction between the mind and the will.” The human will is the “appetite” which raises desires “to the level of action.” He says “it is dependent on the mind (reasoning and judgement) for its eyes. Without the mind, the will is blind and has no content. Without content the will starts willing itself... causes severe problems, some of which are:... The will tries to control everything... The will will experience itself as omnipotent or, when it has failed, as ‘wormlike.’” Toxic shame creates spiritual bankruptcy (Page 41).
Spiritually is the essence of human life, we are all spiritual beings who are existing on a physical plane to unearth our true spirituality. It “enhances and expands life,” Bradshaw explains. “Spirituality is about being..... why there is something, rather than nothing. Being is the ground of all the beings there are” (Page 42).
When a person is shamed to their core, they feel bad about themselves endlessly. The more shame, the more they feel hopeless and flawed as a human being. It is soul murdering. By being aware of the source of the shame, “we gain some power over it” (Page 43).
Shame based people often do not believe they having the right to depend on anyone, because of how they were violated in their dependency needs. Allowing oneself to trust others is risky, because it involves depending on others (Page 161).
When parents are shame based, says Bradshaw, they are unable to healthily mirror their child in the narcissistic stage of development they are at. This is because “...they never got their own narcissistic supplies.” They see their own children as “appropriate objects of narcissistic gratification” (Page 67). The child ends up taking care of the parent’s needs (Page 68).
The parent does not grow up, and so he does not know how to parent his own child. The child takes care of the parent instead of her own needs being met, of mirroring of emotions and encouragement in developing autonomy. Since I was able to understand my trauma and my needs being repressed all my life, I can now meet my needs and be there for my daughter. I understand her emotions being upset and hurt a lot when I am too busy for her, and I apologize and hug her, explaining the reasons for it. I see she understands, because she trusts me and acts calm around me in those moments.
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