Judaism and How We Use Spiritual Bypassing to Kill Egos and Normal Development
When Rabbis say that ego is bad, and having too much is a sin, they are not accounting how the ego can get shamed in childhood and a person has to develop defense mechanisms to protect it. These defenses cause them to not be able to see their ego needs, and have them met. It is frustrating because people are constantly shamed and it’s like being hurt all the time, and not understanding why. They do not know how to protect themselves because their parents were shame-based, and so they lost their true self in childhood.
If the relationship with the parents is how the child will relate to G-d, this is very scary. The true self is denied, and the person with a shame-base does not trust themselves. As John Bradshaw says in Healing The Shame That Binds You, having toxic shame is spiritual bankruptcy. Children need healthy boundaries to develop healthily, and toxic shame damages boundaries (Page 104). The child sees their parents as omnipotent, because they see the world through them, so therefore when they are shamed they think it’s their fault (Page 109-110). The child sees himself as flawed and defective based on how the parents treat him. It is spiritually abusive, and the children carry the parent’s shame (124). The child’s true self gets repressed until it is hidden from view, and the false self takes over (113). Toxic shame is when a child is exposed vulnerably before he has any ego boundaries to protect herself, and they therefore stop trusting his own self. As the self is shamed, they are separated from the true self (Page 101). This is why you see many children unsure of themselves and not developing healthily, their ego needs stunted.
We need to meet a child’s ego needs, and that means listening to their feelings. In Tears and Tantrums by Aletha Solter, she writes about the needs of an infant to be heard in his tears and pain in order for his health. She says that John Bowlby writes about attachment between mother and child is essential for normal development, and parents need to accept the entire range of their children’s emotions for healthy attachment. Attachment researchers found that parents need to respond to the baby’s signals, such as hurt, for healthy attachment (Page 21). She writes that distracting a child from his tears will be felt as emotional abandonment (Page 22).
It is impossible to love others if you do not love yourself. Self love comes from how parents treat their children. You cannot love your creator if you do not love others- as the commandments between man and his fellow and the commandments between man and G-d are equal.
I see myself how when my child has love from me, she is so happy she doesn’t need any materialism. She is happy in the moment, just being alive. She is spontaneous and acts natural, as she sees I am present and listening to her. This is because I am there to regulate her emotions, as John Bradshaw says in Healing the Shame That Binds You, a child needs their parent to teach them how to value themselves (Page 45). I see it in reality with my own child, that by myself having self confidence and peace, she is able to have peace and joy in simple things, and be herself, without lacking anything. This is the way to spirituality, and accepting oneself. When a parent shamed a child in their primal needs and ego, they will not have a healthy sense of self.
If the relationship with the parents is how the child will relate to G-d, this is very scary. The true self is denied, and the person with a shame-base does not trust themselves. As John Bradshaw says in Healing The Shame That Binds You, having toxic shame is spiritual bankruptcy. Children need healthy boundaries to develop healthily, and toxic shame damages boundaries (Page 104). The child sees their parents as omnipotent, because they see the world through them, so therefore when they are shamed they think it’s their fault (Page 109-110). The child sees himself as flawed and defective based on how the parents treat him. It is spiritually abusive, and the children carry the parent’s shame (124). The child’s true self gets repressed until it is hidden from view, and the false self takes over (113). Toxic shame is when a child is exposed vulnerably before he has any ego boundaries to protect herself, and they therefore stop trusting his own self. As the self is shamed, they are separated from the true self (Page 101). This is why you see many children unsure of themselves and not developing healthily, their ego needs stunted.
We need to meet a child’s ego needs, and that means listening to their feelings. In Tears and Tantrums by Aletha Solter, she writes about the needs of an infant to be heard in his tears and pain in order for his health. She says that John Bowlby writes about attachment between mother and child is essential for normal development, and parents need to accept the entire range of their children’s emotions for healthy attachment. Attachment researchers found that parents need to respond to the baby’s signals, such as hurt, for healthy attachment (Page 21). She writes that distracting a child from his tears will be felt as emotional abandonment (Page 22).
It is impossible to love others if you do not love yourself. Self love comes from how parents treat their children. You cannot love your creator if you do not love others- as the commandments between man and his fellow and the commandments between man and G-d are equal.
I see myself how when my child has love from me, she is so happy she doesn’t need any materialism. She is happy in the moment, just being alive. She is spontaneous and acts natural, as she sees I am present and listening to her. This is because I am there to regulate her emotions, as John Bradshaw says in Healing the Shame That Binds You, a child needs their parent to teach them how to value themselves (Page 45). I see it in reality with my own child, that by myself having self confidence and peace, she is able to have peace and joy in simple things, and be herself, without lacking anything. This is the way to spirituality, and accepting oneself. When a parent shamed a child in their primal needs and ego, they will not have a healthy sense of self.
Comments
Post a Comment