Seeing how I am Making My Emotions Reality
It was so scary for me. I saw my daughter screaming when I took away my phone from her, when she was using it to distract herself from going to sleep. I knew there was pain lurking in her, from the day of being disassociated mostly from reality and depression. I had ignored her a lot, half-answering her mostly, as she played with her dolls and acted all chipper. We took a shower and she had so much fun spraying the water at me and I pretended to be scared. I saw there that she was feeling hurt by my actions, so I let her have her way. I felt myself not fully involved still, and got annoyed at her pooping in the bath. She just looked stunned as I washed it off and quickly ended the shower.
Earlier, she was watching her bear video, which she loved, and I noticed her eating away at every food she had aside from the healthy ones. I had kept myself in a different room and was crying and trying to gain clarity on my pain, trying to connect with G-d and myself. It was excruciating, as I felt the damage I had caused by having sex so much before marriage, and now he was gone and I had gotten my heart attached to him. I wasn’t sure if we’d marry, and it was so foolish to base my entire life on him when I didn’t even know for sure if he would stick around. Yes, we had an amazing connection, and our conversations would go for hours, always with jokes about marrying and wanting to love each other forever, but it was all fantasy. I don’t know how much of it was real. And it was then that I realized the importance of boundaries and self-respect. I was too focused on love that I did not think of logic. And now I was being hit with reality, that my claims of being spiritual were false because I was too weak to stop myself from having sex many times before marriage. How would my daughter know what it felt like to grow up with a truthful, stable and emotionally mature mother? I was a mess.
Later tonight, after rough and tumble games and connecting with her through dancing and singing, we were in bed and she was screaming. I heard her yelp, “You don’t love me!! Don’t say that!!” And she swiped at me and looked at me with fury. I crumbled inside, knowing her expression of emotions were truthful. She is a child and feels intuitively exactly what I feel, and takes it in on herself. She is three and a half, and at that age they learn autonomy, and unfortunately I am not very good at promoting her autonomy because I do not often allow her to be vulnerable and emotional with me. My own depression and repressive instincts fight showing pain, and there’s an undercurrent of uncertainty. I felt so sad when I saw her alone with her dolls, talking to them for company when I was busy half the way with furiously thinking and writing about toxic-shame to figure myself out. I feel fake sometimes, pretending to play with her and be involved in her games of reading and coloring.
So now I faced her. And asked her, “Are you sad when I ignore you?” She nodded and buried her tears in my shoulder. “Do you think I don’t love you?” She nodded again. I was in shock at having a honest conversation about our inner feelings, as it was so far off from the life I lived till I started my adoption trauma healing journey. I closed my eyes. I told her, “I do love you, I know you are sad. I am sad too...” I held her gaze and she was staring at me looking devastated, and I cried thinking of how pain she must have at my being sad. I was her world, and all she hoped and relied on, and I was so sad and upset. She finally seemed to give in and lay next to me and half ignoring me, watching me warily and breastfeeding. I then realized that my connection to her was so important to her future and trust, and who I am is real and holds responsibility. I am a mother, just like other people.
Earlier, she was watching her bear video, which she loved, and I noticed her eating away at every food she had aside from the healthy ones. I had kept myself in a different room and was crying and trying to gain clarity on my pain, trying to connect with G-d and myself. It was excruciating, as I felt the damage I had caused by having sex so much before marriage, and now he was gone and I had gotten my heart attached to him. I wasn’t sure if we’d marry, and it was so foolish to base my entire life on him when I didn’t even know for sure if he would stick around. Yes, we had an amazing connection, and our conversations would go for hours, always with jokes about marrying and wanting to love each other forever, but it was all fantasy. I don’t know how much of it was real. And it was then that I realized the importance of boundaries and self-respect. I was too focused on love that I did not think of logic. And now I was being hit with reality, that my claims of being spiritual were false because I was too weak to stop myself from having sex many times before marriage. How would my daughter know what it felt like to grow up with a truthful, stable and emotionally mature mother? I was a mess.
Later tonight, after rough and tumble games and connecting with her through dancing and singing, we were in bed and she was screaming. I heard her yelp, “You don’t love me!! Don’t say that!!” And she swiped at me and looked at me with fury. I crumbled inside, knowing her expression of emotions were truthful. She is a child and feels intuitively exactly what I feel, and takes it in on herself. She is three and a half, and at that age they learn autonomy, and unfortunately I am not very good at promoting her autonomy because I do not often allow her to be vulnerable and emotional with me. My own depression and repressive instincts fight showing pain, and there’s an undercurrent of uncertainty. I felt so sad when I saw her alone with her dolls, talking to them for company when I was busy half the way with furiously thinking and writing about toxic-shame to figure myself out. I feel fake sometimes, pretending to play with her and be involved in her games of reading and coloring.
So now I faced her. And asked her, “Are you sad when I ignore you?” She nodded and buried her tears in my shoulder. “Do you think I don’t love you?” She nodded again. I was in shock at having a honest conversation about our inner feelings, as it was so far off from the life I lived till I started my adoption trauma healing journey. I closed my eyes. I told her, “I do love you, I know you are sad. I am sad too...” I held her gaze and she was staring at me looking devastated, and I cried thinking of how pain she must have at my being sad. I was her world, and all she hoped and relied on, and I was so sad and upset. She finally seemed to give in and lay next to me and half ignoring me, watching me warily and breastfeeding. I then realized that my connection to her was so important to her future and trust, and who I am is real and holds responsibility. I am a mother, just like other people.
I could no longer live in emotion, I had to face real life. This guy may love me, but the way it’s going I have no proof that he will commit to me. I had to focus on my life now, my daughter and myself. As someone said, healthy self esteem is having a life for yourself where you do not need other people's validation. My problem was, I barely had a healthy sense of self and what that looked like for me. I doubt my worthiness in this world, being unable to trust my skills fully because no one showed me it was okay to be sad as a kid.
I was processing my pain and it took me away from reality. Sometimes the pain of the past swallows me and I forget my self-work I had done for the past few years on finding my true self, after the trauma of being adoption ruling the majority of all my life.
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