Seeing How I was Shamed For My Primal Needs
The first stage of a person’s life, an infant, is when they are in need of love from their mother the most. Not getting it will make it hard to move up to any other stages in life, such as trusting themselves- Erik Erikson’s Autonomy Vs. Self Doubt stage of a toddler. (Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw).
It’s unnatural for a mother to go against her instincts and ignore her baby’s cries, dismissing them as not mattering. Then, the baby feels something is wrong in the world, that he can’t trust people to answer him, and this goes about in the rest of his journey in life, because it was his foundation to life. It will seem that nothing is real, and he will not be able to shake the pain that something is missing. He gets addicted to materialism to distract him from the inner wound, and will rely on materialism more and more to feel “good.” Gabor Mate says in Scattered that the invisible atmosphere in a child’s environment most affects his personality “during the critical early years of brain development.” (Page 55-56).
Only when the person starts to fulfill their first foundation of life, being loved for who they are and their needs being heard, can they feel fully alive. Once they are aware of the knowledge of their childhoods and what was lacking, they can bring the subconscious feelings to being conscious, and get their needs met by giving their inner child at what they need, without repressing themselves anymore. This way they can move on in their stages of development to being a separate individual with boundaries. John Bradshaw in Healing the Shame that Binds You, says, “Crushing the toddler’s autonomy and purposeful will is the most damaging form of shaming that can be done. When autonomy is crushed, toxic shame is manifested either as total conformity or rebellion against authority.” (Page 25). This is how we lose confidence in our abilities to be ourselves, because our parents shame us for our primary feelings which we cannot control.
I have a lot of toxic shame around who I am, as my mother did not support my feelings as a child and I learned to repress them and conform. As John Bradshaw says, repressed feelings in a parent are transferred to their children and they are toxically shamed as well for having them (page 22). Therefore, the personality is fractured and he learns that a part of him is too shameful to exist, as I spoke of earlier, the needs of being loved for who he is is unmet. A sign of neediness for my adoptive mother was weak, and I remember the time she poured soap in my mouth when I was 6, because I was crying for her to sleep next to me and not my brother. She slept next to him every night, and I wanted a turn also, to calm my anxiety and worries. From the unmet needs of being loved as a baby.
She yelled at me and threatened, “I will clean your mouth out with soap!” I was hurt and of course didn’t listen, and suddenly she had done it. She got the soap and yanked my mouth open, pouring in big gulps of it to my gasping protests. I was so deeply hurt and horrified of what she had done. I called her a witch, to which she just yelled again at me about being fresh.
I saw my daughter reacting the same way when I was angry with her and she kept doing what I was telling her to stop doing. I guess my childhood repeating because of anger, and I have to be more conscious not to react.
My childhood is hazy besides for these awful stories, which I see as part of my life. Only when I stop to think I realize how awful it really was. My sister and mother called me a brat and too needy for attention, and they wanted me to be compliant and happy and well behaved, but I just didn’t know how to. I always felt hurt and like something very big was missing in my life. I was constantly unhappy and not satisfied with any party or celebration. Food was my one company, that was always there. At every opportunity, I ate everything I wanted, and didn’t pay attention to the people around me. No one understood me, anyway. And if I ever told that to my mother, she would say, “You’re just making judgements and being too negative. People are nice, you just don’t want to see it.” As if I was crazy, and my feelings were wrong to have. So I closed myself even more, not trusting and feeling like the world was fake and no one cared about me. It stemmed from the unconscious knowing that she didn’t truly care about my feelings, which I believed made my truth shameful and unworthy.
My truth still feels unreal, and not worthy of being heard to anyone around me. I know now it is from my toxic shame and how my mother beat down my feelings, and I still struggle with it. I am a perfectionist, and do not allow myself to feel my actual feelings allot, which manifests in frustration and eating to hide my shame. I feel like a big baby, unable to do things for myself, and feels like others are not there for me either. When we are shamed in our dependency needs, we feel unable to rely on others, John Bradshaw says in a YouTube video about Homecoming. Yes, I don’t trust others, and also I do not trust in myself. I keep thinking this when I try to be there for my daughter, and present. I am getting better at trusting my love for her, but it’s still very hard to relax and trust that she feels safe with me. As well as able to believe in herself. I know deep down that she relies on me, and picks up on how I feel about her. Therefore I sense that my emotions are directly affecting her, like Gabor Mate describes the invisible atmosphere- emotions a parent has most shapes the child’s development, and I find myself thinking that I need to work on my own self image more if I want her to feel loved. I know I am lacking in it so greatly.
It’s unnatural for a mother to go against her instincts and ignore her baby’s cries, dismissing them as not mattering. Then, the baby feels something is wrong in the world, that he can’t trust people to answer him, and this goes about in the rest of his journey in life, because it was his foundation to life. It will seem that nothing is real, and he will not be able to shake the pain that something is missing. He gets addicted to materialism to distract him from the inner wound, and will rely on materialism more and more to feel “good.” Gabor Mate says in Scattered that the invisible atmosphere in a child’s environment most affects his personality “during the critical early years of brain development.” (Page 55-56).
Only when the person starts to fulfill their first foundation of life, being loved for who they are and their needs being heard, can they feel fully alive. Once they are aware of the knowledge of their childhoods and what was lacking, they can bring the subconscious feelings to being conscious, and get their needs met by giving their inner child at what they need, without repressing themselves anymore. This way they can move on in their stages of development to being a separate individual with boundaries. John Bradshaw in Healing the Shame that Binds You, says, “Crushing the toddler’s autonomy and purposeful will is the most damaging form of shaming that can be done. When autonomy is crushed, toxic shame is manifested either as total conformity or rebellion against authority.” (Page 25). This is how we lose confidence in our abilities to be ourselves, because our parents shame us for our primary feelings which we cannot control.
I have a lot of toxic shame around who I am, as my mother did not support my feelings as a child and I learned to repress them and conform. As John Bradshaw says, repressed feelings in a parent are transferred to their children and they are toxically shamed as well for having them (page 22). Therefore, the personality is fractured and he learns that a part of him is too shameful to exist, as I spoke of earlier, the needs of being loved for who he is is unmet. A sign of neediness for my adoptive mother was weak, and I remember the time she poured soap in my mouth when I was 6, because I was crying for her to sleep next to me and not my brother. She slept next to him every night, and I wanted a turn also, to calm my anxiety and worries. From the unmet needs of being loved as a baby.
She yelled at me and threatened, “I will clean your mouth out with soap!” I was hurt and of course didn’t listen, and suddenly she had done it. She got the soap and yanked my mouth open, pouring in big gulps of it to my gasping protests. I was so deeply hurt and horrified of what she had done. I called her a witch, to which she just yelled again at me about being fresh.
I saw my daughter reacting the same way when I was angry with her and she kept doing what I was telling her to stop doing. I guess my childhood repeating because of anger, and I have to be more conscious not to react.
My childhood is hazy besides for these awful stories, which I see as part of my life. Only when I stop to think I realize how awful it really was. My sister and mother called me a brat and too needy for attention, and they wanted me to be compliant and happy and well behaved, but I just didn’t know how to. I always felt hurt and like something very big was missing in my life. I was constantly unhappy and not satisfied with any party or celebration. Food was my one company, that was always there. At every opportunity, I ate everything I wanted, and didn’t pay attention to the people around me. No one understood me, anyway. And if I ever told that to my mother, she would say, “You’re just making judgements and being too negative. People are nice, you just don’t want to see it.” As if I was crazy, and my feelings were wrong to have. So I closed myself even more, not trusting and feeling like the world was fake and no one cared about me. It stemmed from the unconscious knowing that she didn’t truly care about my feelings, which I believed made my truth shameful and unworthy.
My truth still feels unreal, and not worthy of being heard to anyone around me. I know now it is from my toxic shame and how my mother beat down my feelings, and I still struggle with it. I am a perfectionist, and do not allow myself to feel my actual feelings allot, which manifests in frustration and eating to hide my shame. I feel like a big baby, unable to do things for myself, and feels like others are not there for me either. When we are shamed in our dependency needs, we feel unable to rely on others, John Bradshaw says in a YouTube video about Homecoming. Yes, I don’t trust others, and also I do not trust in myself. I keep thinking this when I try to be there for my daughter, and present. I am getting better at trusting my love for her, but it’s still very hard to relax and trust that she feels safe with me. As well as able to believe in herself. I know deep down that she relies on me, and picks up on how I feel about her. Therefore I sense that my emotions are directly affecting her, like Gabor Mate describes the invisible atmosphere- emotions a parent has most shapes the child’s development, and I find myself thinking that I need to work on my own self image more if I want her to feel loved. I know I am lacking in it so greatly.
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