Why Mothers are Important

I have to write this for my sanity. Get it off my chest because I cannot work out exactly where in my life I went wrong, and have such a hard time being happy. I want to be happy, and relaxed and present. I want to value myself and know that when I tell my daughter I love her, I mean it all the time. I don’t want to be dependent on her to love me, and not know with confidence that she does. I want my life back. Toxic shame causes us to be more or less than human, to disown our true self. Our self becomes shameful, we feel like a mistake. Instead of having healthy shame, which knows that our actions are the mistake. Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw writes that In a shame based person, the true self feels completely lost, because it became internalized (Page 114). It worries me when I see my daughter offering me “treats,” for her own attention.. I know it’s because she doesn’t feel heard enough so she is trying to buy affection. As Gabor Mate says, children live in an emotional, right brained world, and in the present (Scattered). Happy interactions between the mother and child cause dopamine and endorphins to him and enable him to explore his environment (Page 124). If a mother is stressed and acting from her right brain, without the logical side, yelling at her child, he will be thrown into stress and not be able to control himself either (165). She is acting from her own “unresolved business,” and is unable to self-regulate her emotions (165). Self-regulation is the ability to tolerate one’s anxiety (164). I try so hard to be calm with my daughter, but many times my own implicit memory is is triggered and it’s something I don’t have control over. The implicit memory system is when people are influenced by past experiences that they do not have awareness of (Page 249). Since I was ignored for my emotions, I learned to cater to others in anxiety. This is because of my learning to disassociate when others were anxious, as a baby. Disassociation is used during times of severe distress and helplessness of the infant, when the caregiver is in chronic stress and therefore cannot give attunement to him. It is too overwhelming for his fragile nervous system, and he needs to disassociate (Page 119). If it’s from the parents anxiety that the child has to disassociate, it’s because he senses that expression his own emotional turmoil will make things worse. These psychological defenses cannot be changed at will, as “they were induced without our conscious will in the first place.” It became a “default setting in the cerebral apparatus of awareness” (Page 120). The experiences we go through shape the design of our brain circuits. However, the brain continues to be shaped by our later experiences, therefore it’s very important to integrate what we know with what we feel (Page 144). The key factor to healing. ADD, which is caused by a break in the relationship between the mother and child, is in cementing the relationship (Page 146). This makes me so angry, because I knew my relationship with my daughter was the key to her development, but many have not understood this, and made me feel crazy for wanting to spend time with her during her first years. That is, by my not working and staying home with her to care for her. Women are more emotional by nature, and are receivers. If we do not get validated for our feelings, and our needs to be loved, we feel shame about ourselves, and think we are wrong in who we are. People who were shamed for their needs in childhood do not know what they are worth, and that their talents are useful (Scattered, Page 242). I need more validation in who I am, that I am allowed to be a sensitive, feeling person and be accepted for it. Since I never felt accepted, I feel unsure of myself and find my mind filled with anxiety a lot when I am trying to attune with my toddler. I know she needs me, because she says “You’re trying me crazy” when I am ignoring her. She stops wanting to cooperate when I am distracted and acts overly needy in everything she does.