Adopted

It hit me, my problem with my my ex and my in laws. They locked their son crying nonstop as a baby and made jokes about throwing him out the window. It was 28 years player later, and they still joked about it. It showed and reinforces their belief that babies crying was a nuisance.  I cannot be friends with people who think a baby’s crying should be ignored, or worse, acted like it was a bother. It shows how they view their own anger or crying, because their own inner child is seen as pretentious and too much. Therefore they would not be whole, and also expect others to ignore their inner feelings as well. They see babies and toddlers as lower than them, and needing to be controlled, not letting the child have their feelings as their own and be an individual person. It is disrespectful to a human being, not to accept them for who they are. Children have needs to explore and assert their boundaries, in order to develop into their own person. The Aware Baby speaks about the need...

She feels my love. We are connected. The realization hit me strongly today and I was filled with awe and shock. This was what I was unsure of, all my parenthood. The paying attention to her feelings, wanting to see her cry and express her pain, trying to understand what made her want to distract herself from reality and tune out... it was all an emotional upheaval for me. Where every day I worried about what she was going through. But, to listen to my own words, everything I see in her is a reflection of my own inner world. So if I don’t trust others, I will assume she doesn’t either. And so that is what I was doing all along, trying to make her feel good when in fact I should have been paying more attention to myself... and then I could focus on her. And how much stress I was carrying. Last night, with the pain of the thought of rejection from my love who had not gotten back to me in three weeks, I had stayed on the internet browsing Instagram to distract myself. Suddenly, it all ...

The world only exists through women. Physically and emotionally. Without having a connection with one’s mother, a person fails to develop relationships with others. The relating they have with their mother is going to be the start and continuation of the way they relate to all other people in their lives.  The way they see others is their attachment style with their parents, the first ones they ever attached to. This makes so much sense if you think about it. A baby and toddler is just starting to learn about their world. What goes in is what will be there as the foundation of their lives. For example, I have a very avoidant and mistrustful attachment, to the point of doubting others who tell me they love me. I need to see it proven. I learned this by being abandoned as a baby, and not paid attention to in my feelings growing up. My adoptive brother got all the attention, and I learned that silence and compliance was what was needed from me. However, I never actually felt ...

“Don’t let her do what she wants, she’ll turn into a narcissist that way. You need to show her you’re in charge..” Someone said this to me about my parenting my toddler. I parent her with letting her be open about her emotions and try not to control her day as much as I could. Aware Parenting from Aletha Solter’s books, such as The Aware Baby, teaches how validating kids’ feelings makes them able to grow up with a solid foundation. It fosters more independence and confidence. Maybe if I used it the wrong way, and let her do what she pleased all the time, it would turn her the wrong way, and her feelings would be repressed. She would feel invalidated because I wouldn’t be giving her limits of how far she can go. Example: If she wanted to keep playing, at the expense of her sleeping, and waking up other people, it would be a bad way to let her do what she wanted. But the question is, why would she feel the need to do things that were “wrong”? Maybe that itself comes from feeling unsure...

One thing I need most in my life is connecting with other people, and having validation. This makes it very difficult for me to live in NYC, where I have not found people I can just meet up with and talk about my deep inner truths and struggles in life. I find the rush of the city to be draining of emotional energy, and relaxation time. Having my 3 year old daughter by my side all day, due to the mistrust I have of others’ care of her, makes it more stressful to find something to do every day to stimulate my connection needs. I find my mind wandering away, wishing things to be different, when she is waiting for my presence with her and to play with me. The stress sets off my impatient tone, and further increases her insecurity and disconnection from me. I can’t help it. I feel awful, unsure how to fix things and make her feel good. Those feelings further take me down guilt paths. Acknowledging the fear in the air these days, due to the Coronavirus scare, makes it normal for me to...

I finally realized what it is. What the entire problem is in the stalling of the redemption - Messiah. I was bawling, feeling like this is it. The guy seemed to block me. It hit me like a knife in my gut when I noticed it. I waited weeks to hear from him, part of me still believing he would. After all, he promised me love and full devotion. He told me he felt nothing without me. But I messed up big time. I tested him again and again, not believing he was serious. Why would he love me? I felt too ugly, too boring, not sophisticated enough for him. And he proved this by talking about how other women may be more for him, and insinuating that I wasn’t the type to jump out of a plane which is what he wanted to do with his love. Honestly I didn’t believe he was looking for a wife, or me for that matter. But I loved him so much. He was everything in my life- my rock. I looked up to him like a devoted servant, ready to do anything for him. I felt his pain acutely, and I jumped at every opportu...

Hi! It’s been more than a year I guess since my last blog post. I decided to make an update, and honestly I kind of miss writing to the world. I don’t know if anyone reads it seriously, but I feel the need to get thoughts out and sometimes emotions and realizations get so strong that I have to put them out somewhere.  I want to say some thoughts I have. Adoption related and other. I realized that it’s very important to speak my truth, because even if no one listens, I get to feel validated myself. I have a very hard personality where I kind of depend like on others’ to feel like myself, so I tend to try to please them and not pay attention to my own feelings. I cringe reading the titles of these posts, I do not even want to look at them just now, because they sound preachy and unreal to me. Like I was trying so hard to be perfect and sound smart, but really was not being real.  But anyway I may slip up into that again. I’m sorry lol to all reading this. Ok that’s the intr...