Adopted

I discovered a talent in me that has not really sprung forth. I had taken voice lessons for a while, by a professional opera style italian trained teacher because I believe in authenticity in methods of doing things. Anyway she had said that I had potential, and after going for three years on and off I still did not have the confidence and progress to sing. I left it after I had my baby, and she was disappointed because I was one of her most consistent clients as she usually teaches dance and theater. So anyway, I gave up on it.. Until today. On the way back from the mountains, which was very peaceful besides when we went to visit one of his aunts that lost her husband 5 years ago and she was kind of depressive. I was in the car and decided to sing a song I got into. I practiced a bit like the teacher had shown me, and was surprised at my voice when I started to sing. It was deep, steady and passionate. I continued but then started to break a bit so I stopped. I did more practice and ...

My daughter is so cute she copies things I do, even the slightest thing such as putting her hands on her face as she eats like I did just now. When I scratched my face she did it too. Imagine how much more she picks up on from me, such as speech and tone of voice... It is scary. Yesterday, she was singing in bed snippets of all these songs that I hum in the past. It was like a mashup. I guess she likes the songs.. We were listening to "Say Something" which is her favorite it seems, and she said the line "I'll be the one" from the lyrics... And it made my heart melt. We are so alike. On the bus to signing our new home, and then headed to mountains for our semi-decent hotel stay. I am tired but excited about things. I know they say when the times are good, people can drift and not be grateful or think about their growth. I see that, and am trying to stay in touch with who I am. Maybe it's in my very identity to be down and feel lost, because of my childhood ...

I liked what Rabbi Mizrachi said, you must fear G-d because there is no such thing as love without fear. Because if you didn't fear G-d, you would not check yourself that you are behaving right. And when people don't check themselves, they think they are okay and good, and then what do they have to live for? They will end up being in fear anyway, from people, the IRS, or the like. On the other hand, if a person fears G-d they will have nothing else to fear- because they know that the only thing that matters is what He thinks of them. And that there is divine reward and retribution for everything he did after he dies. I love this so much because it is true- it is impossible to love everyone and not have discernment for who is a moral person or not. We must have fear and understand that some people are actually doing things against G-d. Things that go against the way that He created the world to be like. I was just thinking about this today- that if nobody was serious about fami...

One can't love everyone. If one loves everyone and accepts everyone into his life equally, he has no sense of true self and is just metamorphic into what everyone else is. He needs a sense of self and a system of values, and then he can attract people who are like him. Otherwise, he is an imposter, a person who is just trying to gain attention from everyone. We need to know ourselves and what our true feelings are, in order not to waste time with people who do not support us. I was thinking that as I tried to support my daughter in her hyperactivity when I know she needs sleep. I couldn't see her clearly and objectively because I had my own tensions with putting her to sleep. My husband and I spoke about our triggers with each other and noticed that we were both unhappy and suppressing it, and so I got angry that he was not seeing me. He was angry yesterday that I wasn't seeing him when I made plans without him that he was not pleased about yet didn't voice. It all ca...

My husband didn't want to go to the vacation hotel I found, when we wanted to go somewhere closer instead of traveling back after we sign our lease for our new home this Friday. He was adamantly against it when it came to being with strangers because they were "cliquey" and talked smack about newcomers. I was angry at his childish attitude and ruining my sunshine. But than it hit me that he was reacting out of being triggered- from bullying in his past. And his parents' paranoia about others. Whenever we react strongly, it is usually about our past. He is terrified of being out of place. It was a shock to me because I would not react so strongly. As I am used to others seeing me as different or out of place. I realize that he needs to belong so badly it will infringe on his own personal vacation- time to himself. I was thinking. How stereotypes we create in our beliefs about others from the past affect us so badly. Like, I subconsciously feel bad about men who dress...

About seeing people as equal to you. Even your baby daughter. I realized from Ollie Mathews' video called Shadowbanning and Societal Narcissism where he said that people who follow the media and are left wing all are just like Narcissistic abuse victims who are just waiting for their parents to love them, but it is never going to happen. They are still leaning on the hope that they will get love so they are letting the media brainwash them. This is soo true and I have felt it so with all the people I know that live in a "make believe" reality where they think that everything they are taught and regulated such as vaccinations and eating unhealthy, processed, pesticide ridden foods are normal and the only way. I used to be that way too. I too did not question my parent's love for me, and took their emotional absence and anger fits and dysfunction as "love." Now I know that it is not, and it is abuse, I am relieved and can trust my intuition and inner voice ...

On the way back from disastrous time at my inlaws, we were having tons of traffic and my husband was low key annoyed that we stopped in Costco and it took so long because they didn't accept MasterCards and we had to wait in line again... So he started freaking out a bit. I was kind of numb and tired so I couldn't take it. I told him to stop or I was getting out when he didn't listen. He was cursing away. I felt trapped and hated him. I told him he was going over my boundaries and I had to get out of the car. He didn't like that and locked the doors. I started crying and felt like I was choking. It was definitively a left over cry from the past that I didn't get to do. He started calming down. We discussed his anger and I told him it was not usual. He said it was because of all the times they didn't let him be angry and they didn't know how to control anger so he didn't have a way to soothe himself. He said I should tell him it was okay when I see he is ...