Adopted

I just don't know. I have a choice. I don't know why I married him. I do not feel happy here at all. Like I would much rather be alone and not see his sad bleep anymore. It's not that I hate him or don't care, it's just that I had enough. I feel like I have taken all that I could and now I ran out of space. The Rabbi asked, would you rather be alone the rest of your life than be married to him. That is a tricky question. So tricky. I do not know if my mind is playing games with me. But my heart is screaming. I FEEL LOST. Here's the thing. I feel like I married him to prove to myself that my feelings didn't matter. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, and I needed to shut down the hurt part of me, so I married someone who would never trigger it. I knew he was safe. But I locked away that pained side of me, and now it just feels abandoned, and I need to let it out. So I must break away from him. Because he does not know how to see it, as I pick...

I was so embarrassed and in Shame attack that I wanted to delete my whole Instagram. Because if my husband said it was crazy what I had said to the guy, I was a fake. It hurt so bad and like no one was on my side. I cried and cried. Later heard Matthew Hussey say that nobody wants someone who is obsessed with them. And I realized that I had been obsessive, not truly living my own life and and desperate for this narc's love... Because I needed to prove to them that I was the good choice... That I neglected myself. And it had been triggered by my abandonment trauma and trying to solve their pain of not being loved and fix myself through that. But truly, you can only help someone else if you are whole. As Melanie Tonia Evans says in the 10 Steps To Healing From Narcissistic Abuse.. I am so relieved now because I knew it was not me, and that I was just doing what was instinctive to me, without consciously trying to be bad. Adoptees are desperate for love, that they never had. And I ac...

I met someone who resonated with me, and I hadn't realized how much I was missing it till then. Everything we said was accepted by one another, and no pretenses. I realized that it is possible for me to be accepted, for who I am. We spoke about how people in the community here are very unaware of feelings, and are taken by status and money... It is hard to connect. She told me I was very good for my age, in being so aware, because it took her till 40 to see these things. It actually felt good, unlike other times I got complimented.. It was because I knew she was sincere. By other people, who were stuck in their status quo, when they told me I was amazing or smart, it felt like they were outting me for being different. Something like a defective doll, as Teal Swan says.. People who have no sense of wholeness in themselves see others as fractured too, and only instead of seeing that they have a full personality to them they only see the actions they are doing now as their full identi...

I was projecting on my husband the not caring about me. I was also projecting on my daughter than she doesn't know I care. When will this adoption issues end? Or my self esteem issues. I don't wanna call it from adoption because then I will not feel like it is part of me. We need to face our selves as my husband and I said... Trying to see what went wrong. It seems like too much of a maze we got stuck in. I always felt he didn't see me, because he didn't seem to get my feelings and make me feel good about myself. I thought I was doin all the effort and being a perfect wife while he was using me and slacking. I felt taken advantage of, for my body, and soul. Because I was not feeling loved. Like I felt all my life with everyone.  I realized for me to feel loved, I literally need someone to smother me with care. And always Know my feelings. Otherwise I feel neglected. Meanwhile, he loved me fully in his way, but could not show it because he was scared and didn't tr...

I couldn't take it anymore and started crying today. After a few hours of trying to put my daughter to nap, while thinking of the Rabbi's words from the emails back and forth discrediting adoption trauma. He was firm and seemed blind to my pain. I was starting to spiral, and not see my pain as real once again... Like it was all my childhood. All the proof and books and validation from Adoption support groups flew out of my head, in the face of this important Rabbi minimizing it. Saying that I had to be grateful, that I was foolishly blindingly following the researchers who did not know the Torah... It stung and angered me. That he could be so naive and judgemental. I even poured out my pain to him and he thought it meant I was angry and mad at him. I Was triggered. Adoptees who feel their pain is invalidated can do crazy things, because of the trauma of a lifetime of hiding the pain... It's like we are orphans, I thought, and shouldn't people treat us more sensitively a...

I woke up exhausted, sleeping a bit over 8 hours... But still groggy. No idea what world I was in. My daughter needed me as usual to nurse to fall asleep each time she awakened, which usually happens until she gets up for real at about 11/12. I get out earlier to clean and do things I can while she is asleep, but I can't help feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself that I couldn't give her enough love to not need me so much. I will not let her cry it out, though which she does when she wakes up to find me gone. I felt like I was slipping, with worry about the day and accomplishing needed tasks, and I felt low self-esteem because of my losing direction last night.. I remembered Teal Swan saying on Instagram this morning, ironically, that we can only get somewhere if it is our true intention... And I knew I was battling with mine. My true intention is often my own happiness. So,against odds, I decided to follow my heart even though I was hating myself. Fragmented off from m...

The more I focus on my truth, the more others bend to it I noticed. We went to visit my adoptive mother by her sister's house today, to be a good daughter. I started talking about adoptee's feelings to my uncle, who seemed recipient of it, despite his answer that they loved me and my adopted brother as family and always saw us as part of them... It seems these people have a hard time thinking about emotions and can't stop being logical. As my husband says, logic brings more pain though because it makes you repress your feelings so you can't have them. My aunt scolded him that he did not let me talk about my feelings, as that was the point. She did read about adoption for me, and so she understood my pain. She said, "Let her process it.. She never knew this that the family loved her.." and I felt grateful. My mother as usual admonished me that whatever she did was never enough for me, and I felt her bitterness. I felt like she needs me to make her feel good ...

And I've realized what I am doing, finding love in my own house and not in the outside, has many rewards and true happiness in it, even though I don't always see it. When I played music, Secrets by Jacob Lee, and some Ed Sheeran song, I saw how the music reflected the love in my life. That I just need to take it. But, as Teal Swan says in Fear of Intimacy, people who grew up in households that did not allow them to feel loved for who they were and were used only to their parent's advantage in their neediness, learned not to trust intimacy. Because they believe it smothers them, or causes them to be exposed for the shame they internalized about themselves. I see that so much in the world now, as it is close to impossible to have an honest conversation with people. I was trying to reconnect with a ex friend that I ended things with in volatility, because we were both too needy and unaware, and I was trying to make amends... Because when we give to others we are really giving...

Sweet food, fooling me into oblivious blissful comfort. Sitting cross-legged on the pretty wooden stools drenched in pain inside. From I don't know where. But I am dreading having to work to put my daughter to sleep. I need to figure this out. The old comforts don't work anymore. It feels uncomfortable to escape to food, when I know the truth of my pain and that it needs to be heard to heal. Joe Soll told me this morning, that it is beautiful that I can see and feel my pain and that all my life I knew it was there. I didn't feel it was beautiful, I am so used to it and feeling on the outside because of it. As everyone and everything shamed me to bits. As my daughter cries for me now, I feel frustrated with her that she can't understand me. When it is illogical to think that she should. But I need to write this. I almost understand why they ignored my cries and tantrums as a child. It is so disruptive and you just want it to stop. But if you look at the child you can k...

What are people afraid of, in being friendly? They are scared of being exposed for who they are if the person happens to not accept them. They are ashamed of their subconscious drives, which they think are shameful based on the fact that they reject them. So they are paranoid about other people exposing them. This is even more so the more narcissistically wounded a person is. They do not have boundaries, and need others to make them feel better about themselves. The more inner fragmentation and pain a person has, the less they will be comfortable opening up to others. This world is a house of mirrors. We all see what we project of ourselves out to others. We cannot see good in someone unless we see it in ourselves. And if we hate an aspect of ourselves, we will despise it in others too. And the person will feel rejected by us. Children are the most extreme example of this, because they do not have a sense of self yet and are developing it so how others feel about them is crucial. The...

I woke up and decided I had a right to be selfish and be seen in my adoption issues. As Joe Soll had told me. But it was at the wrong time and I was irrational at 3 a.m. plotting my revenge. Bursting into tears. I realized that all my suffering was from not being seen as the real me all these years! And how I still didn't fully believe I have a right to my feelings even though I write about it all day. I felt awful and like a massive hypocrite. I had an Identity loss and felt confused about who I was. As I read in Anne Heffron's memoir, that adoption makes you want to run from relationships because you feel stuck, but stay because you do anything to get loved. So I had done this in my life with jumping into marriage when it was loveless and I was not getting my needs met. I also read about Anne Heffron that she wanted to write a book because she didn't want to forget about doing it, the way her adoptive mother had been so reluctant to follow her own dream of writing a book ...