Adopted

We can only change others if we are whole inside. Otherwise, they will sense that we are trying to control them... For our own sake. To make us feel better about our own blocks. I realized this as I was trying to make new friends. I wanted validation for who I am... But I get confused with how much I want. I know that I need to have self-love first because then I am just relying on others for my self-worth. To make me feel good about my shortcomings. And then it usually falls flat, because they cannot fully contain all my issues. Joe Soll my adoption therapist, told me that a husband or wife cannot be a therapist to one another. That makes perfect sense, because they need to live alongside each other, and not constantly dealing with each other's issues. I guess, I confess, that I have been trying to change other people in every relationship in my past. I did not accept their differing viewpoints, because I felt so in lack myself, and thought that I had to get other's approval...

When you feel good about yourself nobody can bring you down. Not even your own mother. My mother drove me nuts yesterday, and today I learned a few things about myself. It cut me deeply that she said that she doesn't think I am happy. I asked her why not, she said Well because a person needs parents, and cousins and siblings around... Especially a grandchild. I said, How come you don't say it in first person? I felt like she was objectifying things, and therefore not considered our personal story and why it was not applicable. I said that we do not do well with our grandparents around because it stresses me out, and my daughter is not better off when I am upset. She agreed and was quiet. But she still did not believe I was happy, and I told her I was. I felt like a child again, trying to win my mother's approval. My throat constricted again, and I felt that helpless feeling that I felt so much from my childhood. That I was invisible. And I tried to fight, to defend myself...

Boy did I realize something. I am not a full person to myself since my mother was never there for me and saw me. I became enmeshed and evolved only around being there for her. As we learn as kids, our parents are G-d to us and we see the world through how they see us. And since my mother did not know that she was lacking a sense of self esteem, she passed that onto me and expected me to make her feel good. I told her today that since she didn't see my feelings she was not in fact, a good mother as she seemed to think, but she said she knew she couldn't "take away my pain of adoption," so she didn't even try. I answered her, "Actually, you could have taken it away. Because mothers have the ability to make their child feel better as it is their job to be emotionally loving and accepting of them. And I do know that my daughter gets comforted by me when she is in pain. So how come you did not show that to me, or feel it?" And she had no answer. She said in...

I was thinking how lucky I am to have a husband who supports me. Through this whole crazy journey. He never tells me to stop talking about my feelings when I rant, and always sees the good in me. I asked him if he idealizes me, and he said he doesn't think so because he sees my bad sides too. Such as when I become moody and hypocritical, not really sticking to my word. It's weird, I see his insecurities so upfront, and get annoyed at him a lot.. While he doesn't focus on mine and sees my best. I wonder how it can be. And we had a conversation about how our families growing up made us the way we feel about ourselves. The insecurities. He constantly freezes up around people and gets a deer in the headlights look. I notice it and feel frustrated with him because he comes across as so fearful. Yet gets defensive if I bring it up. I think he is embarrassed of himself. But I told him, our pain and shame is not because we are really bad it is from how we learned to feel about our...

I realized that I felt very depressed after having been thrown back into the darkness with my biological and adoptive brother, after we had our conversation and he wanted to talk the next day. He made me feel bad about myself because I was trying to get validation for not talking to my mother and when I said we are also trying to get something from each other he said no he is not, and that it is a selfish thing to only talk to people to gain from them. He thought I was talking about material things, and I corrected him that I was talking about my emotional well-being, to which he said of course do not talk to people who bring you down. After that. He said Okay whatever I gotta go, take care of yourself. It really hurt. It felt like he was disapproving of me and throwing me out again. I texted him after that I was hurt. He didn't answer. I feel like I try so hard and my efforts are unnoticed and pointless. I wanted validation and thought I was doing a good job, but apparently I sti...

I notice that many people these days are very in the fog. They do not want to acknowledge emotions, and get nervous when I talk about them. Such as the woman that was babysitting some children in the neighborhood playground. She seemed defensive at first, but when she saw me being nice and helping one of her charges, she began to smile more. But when one kid fell down and began to cry, she quickly patted her and shushed her saying, "It's not so bad." The kids kept glancing at me and wanting me to baby them, even though they were 3. They could sense that I was more caring and understanding. The woman seemed all understanding when I told her that I stayed hone with my daughter, and explained how I can make her feel comfortable by spending time with her while at a new sitter if I try. I said I wanted to but when she's older. She said, "You'd be surprised you may like her" about a babysitter in the place. But although she acted understanding and kind, she di...

I had a break down today by the fast of Yom Kippur. I was so tired and did not know how I would have the strength to put her to sleep. I also felt her personality was too all over for me- as she is Pisces south node... My husband had come home and was with her as she ran around. I suddenly thought of my adoption, how nobody credits it as trauma. I thought of my mother leaving me as a 2 day old newborn in the hospital without any deal. And I was in trauma. Shock at her not being there. As every human baby needs their mother. And the Rabbi I emailed about it said babies don't realize. And it's a beautiful thing for them to be adopted so they should be grateful. Anger and fury rose in me like bile and I thought of how they passed me to another old couple, with no name or sign of them now. And then at six weeks I was passed about again, this time in my permanent residence. With my adoptive parents who are the most oblivious about feelings than anyone I can think of. So I went to ...

It was interesting that my talk with my brother yesterday after months of not talking, seemed to have much less codependency than usual. I think the time and healing on my part made me more objective. He also admitted more to adoption being trauma that affected him just like me. It felt good to get validation from my brother. I also began to see him as very broken and fragile, like how he said he can't make friends because everyone avoids him. I asked him if it is because he is desperate, and he denied that and said the opposite- he doesn't trust people and so doesn't open up. I told him that could mean that he gave up on people from what happened in childhood, but he still feels needy and people sense it. He was shocked to hear that and that people can tell those this. And that people want positive, kind people to be friends with because they want to know that they will feel heard. We both go through the same feelings of isolation, and he heard how it was from being adopt...

Have to get this off my mind. Teal Swan was saying in her video about there being no such thing as equality, that we learn to only accept what our society preaches is good and repress our unaccepted feelings to ourselves. Such as feeling inferior. We do not accept painful shameful feelings because society makes us think that those feelings are to be avoided. So defense mechanisms in order to belong makes us suppress the pain. But it's still there. It's there and I'm talking about adoptive parents and in the fog adoptees. They know who they are. They hide their true feelings, because they are scared of being different. I hate it. It makes me want to scream. Because it makes me feel crazy. They hurt me and try to control me just because of this. Because they cannot handle my feelings. So they need to pretend I don't exist. I have no idea why I was brought into this world the way I am. But one thing I do know, is that I am different and it hurts. It is hard. And they hate...

Just realized something. My daughter listened to me when I expected her to. As I read on The Continuum Concept, that children act as they are expected by their adults and peers, and if we see them positively they will act well. This is called Innate Sociability, what the Yequana villagers lived by. That nobody was bad or shameful, and they all had inner goodness. I love this concept of course because it promotes positive regard. People never feel inferior and hate. As she said, hatred comes out of the feeling that we are inferior to others and need to fight for our equality. It also goes hand in hand with Teal Swan's video this week, People are Not All Equal . She says that we repress ourselves to meet societal norms and what we deem as "bad." This causes us to repress our feeling of infertility and feels superior. It's a double whammy because they also repress feeling superior, so they cannot feel good about themselves in any way. While it is natural for people to b...

I cannot expect myself to be perfect. I was adopted and not validated all my life for it. I struggle here, still alone. My husband does not always help me with my moods. I have to be there for my 2 year old toddler, to be a loving and attentive mother to her. I still don't have proper mirroring of who I am, as a person who is traumatized and broken from what happened to me. First we need outer validation, then we can start to validate ourselves. I read somewhere. I am fighting an impossible battle, thinking I must win. I am doing great things and need to recognize that. Only when I see what I need can I ask it from others. I try. I fail. This is life. Reality. I have angry criticism in my head, from the inner critics that were formed during my youth. I need to recognize and allow myself to be a victim. To let myself breathe. As Lilly Shmaltz says in her YouTube video, the pain is too much to face at times and you need to allow yourself a breather. I guess I have been judging other...

Wake up wanting a good day, not sure what that means anymore. Stress has gotten over my head with all the serious atmosphere for the high holidays. I guilt myself for ever wanting anything to enjoy. My daughter is nervous too, and I realize that she won't fall asleep again even though she only slept 9.5 hours, for a 2 year old not being the best. But I have a therapy Skype appointment with Joe Soll at 12, in a few hours, so I will need to stay home and then put her to sleep afterwards. I go to the kitchen because I am only thinking of food and am angry at myself for it. She wants to play with water and refuses to get dressed. I am nervous as I try to focus on being positive. The pain feels overwhelming so I need to run from it instead of accepting it. I try forcing myself not to eat but it doesn't work. I don't feel inspired to do anything productive. Therapy was very enlightening, as he mirrored the helplessness I felt and made me realize how unhappy I was. I cried. Yes I...

Over the holiday of the Head of the year, where we are all judged and accounted over for the coming year, I as usual bypassed my true feelings and projected them onto my husband when I saw him not happy as I was pretending to be. It was unconscious though. And had to come out eventually. So I got all angry at night, blaming all the people who hurt me and felt like it was all their fault that I was in pain and struggling to stay afloat in my life now. I thought of how my north node in the first house and South node in the seventh house, which is how I act around others, made me be such a people pleaser and not my true self or potential because of how others saw me. I wondered why the hell I had married my husband for the thousandth time, and knew I had only myself to blame and so I hated myself and wanted to scream. Instead, I shook in anger and pinched his hand hard when he sleepily reached out to me. He barely registered it and groggily turned away. I was seething. The next day, I go...

I have preached and not practiced. I hurt. My daughter today badly because I was ignoring my true feelings all day. I forgot myself. I pushed away my pain and wanted to do things for myself all day. I was in a tight spot because of yesterday leftover anger from yelling at my family. I cried afterwards, so I thought the pain was done and I was fresh again. But no. I woke up extra early, inspired to be a better person. I got up and ate breakfast with my daughter, being annoyed that she hadn't slept enough and too lethargic to try and get her to sleep again because feelings were bubbling in her that she was repressing. I ran away, thinking I needed my time to myself. It felt desperate - baking and getting things done. I felt desperate. Thinking back, it was my adoptee over acheiverness- thinking I had to accomplish something or else I was a failure. Not being comfortable in my body because of the trauma - like I read on one of my friend's instagram accounts. All day I felt explos...

I am alone without siblings who are there for me. Out of the 5 that I have... All over the world. They all pretend I don't exist.. Aside from the one that I badger asking how he is because he doesn't visit me or call me at all anymore. I feel shot in the heart. But I am grateful that at least my birth Dad is there for me. We spoke on the phone yesterday for a long time, about this and that. I noticed that I can be very attending to him and often ignore my true feelings, of awkwardness or uncertainty. So I started to talk about adoption matters and how lonely I feel, and he listened and said yup. He is the only one who will want to hear it as much as he does, because he is my actual father and cares- not just to get something from me. It is awesome and I was shocked by it. It gave my hole in my soul a happy feeling, as I heard in his voice that he felt like I mattered. It almost feels like rebellion, because I am talking to him about my anger at my birth family and society, some...

My daughter said, "I'm stuck" with a start when I hugged her when she awoke suddenly when I needed to leave her side to use the washroom. I laughed, and then I remembered how she laughs the same way when I fall and takes delight into seeing me get hurt. Why? Aware parenting says that this is called empowerment and it helps children gain their sense of freedom after the times we make them feel powerless. And I applied this to my own laughing at her crying that she is "stuck." Yes she says it cutely, but it goes deeper than that. I feel relief from the stress of having to always be powerless in having to give in to her all the time. I finally get a sense of "power" when she gets hurt. It sounds sadistic, but it is really the reason so many people laugh when others fall or get hurt suddenly. It is a "safe" way to let out their relief of others not being powerful and over them.. How profound. Yes it is not right to laugh when others get hurt. Bu...

You can actually be yourself when around other people. I remember Teal Swan saying that you do not have to be lonely in a crowd- the only reason you are is because you are hiding your true feelings. Because you think you have to because of how you grew up. Becoming disconnected as a normal mode of operation around others. It is awful, and that is the feeling were you feel like you can only be yourself around specific people- like a partner, or good friend. No, it is possible to be yourself around everyone. Sometimes, you know you are not liked or do not like what the other is saying, but you can still HAVE yourself. Inside. And when you walk away you can comfort yourself if you got hurt. I think my adoption talk and talk about being unfulfilled even though we are religious really scared them. Because they quickly sidestepped it,  not wanting to talk about it too much. The ideal is to just be typical, without any usual needs or problems. It reminds me of my adoptive family, because...

This is why I don't hang out with people. I feel soo drained and sad. My daughter also seemed befuddled and confused, as the two women hemmed and hawed over how cute she was and how cute it was that her and the other little girl were playing together. Yes it was, but it was not THAT big a deal. I would expect them to play, as two kids sharing the same experience in age and gender.. The whole time it was just like that. Like every thing out of the ordinary was a huge thing. The fact that one woman was more recently religious was a huge deal to the other woman, soo inspiring. When to me it was a fact that I wanted to hear more about. It seemed like the first woman did not really care about her, and just wanted to hear gossip or over the top news. That was why I was almost embarrassed when I said I also had a hard time accepting being religious because I was adopted, and she made me feel inferior...like I was some outcast for my story. It triggered me and brought me back to the days ...

I woke up with revelations. I had dream of my father dying and my feeling extremely disconnected, and my mother trying to guilt me. I realized that the root of all pain is ignoring your true feelings from how you were hurt as a child, like your parent shaming you by ignoring or beating you etc, and keeping to try to gain that love from them and being stuck in idealizing them. This us what my parents did to their parents, and then they passed on their rage and unmet needs onto their children. At a mere 1 years old my mother subconsciously tried to control me and only let me be perfect for her in order for her not to feel rejected. She could not handle her baby rejecting her because she was still stuck in trying to gain self worth that her parents never instilled in her. This makes me very mad, how all those around me cannot see this or know what I know. Adoption causes trauma period. It is so obvious, yet they have their agendas to not see it and over-idealize their parent because they...