Adopted

        Attunement is important in a relationship. That is knowing the other person's feelings any particular time when they are stressed, worried, sad, triggered, angry, happy, excited, bored etc. This is important because you need to know how to treat them if you really care about them. For example, if they are triggered you will need to know it in order to calm them down,and know exactly what they need that will help in that situation. They may need to vent, and have someone listen and show extra love, or they may be to be left alone but within your reach if needed.            The same goes with a mother and child bond, of course this being very crucial. The more a baby is understood and known to her mother, the greater their bond will be and trust.             However, attunement is often disconnected because one is stuck in their blind spot of not being able to see the other objectively bec...

             Arrogance is the biggest downfall because when one is in it, they cannot see where they need to work on themselves and then something bad happens and they trip into anger and frustration. Pride comes before a fall. I find myself slipping into it quite a lot, in order to feel good. Because when I face reality I run away from how awful it seems. I have a cloud of dread in the back of my mind a lot, voices telling me how I'm not good enough and I will fail everything. It scares me and drags me down, so it is just easier for me to focus on feeling good about myself and self-pride.           But it takes a lot to change a trait. So since I always walked around feeling bad about myself and down, I had to pump myself up a lot. So now that I know the truth that I am okay and worthy of success, it is still hard to implement it and feel truly good about myself. So that I can continue to feel good and accomplish with that g...

          Narcissists cannot carry their fear alone, they need people to help them carry it. They use others foe their emotional dumping ground, and need to drag others to their level.           This, from Understanding Narcissism  YouTube channel's video Why You're Stronger Than Narcissists and Emotionally Abusive People Who Torment You Every Day , has been my experience with narcissistic friends from the past. He says they know you are strong and don't know it, so they need you to be a rock for their craziness inside. They take your vulnerability and self-doubt, and exploit it by emphasizing that you are nothing to get you to doubt yourself more, so that you are stuck with not leaving them. They KNOW they are awful, but if they get you to feel awful about yourself too they know you won't leave. However their biggest fear, that you WILL leave them, terrifies them and that is why they have to constantly monitor your emotions to be...

         Anne Thistleton told me that Control Patterns that get babies to avoid their feelings by distracting them do not belong to the babies, but they are the parent's. So when the parent avoids feelings by doing something, it is automatically given to the child. So the parent needs to regulate their feelings foremost, and then everything else should be fine. And there is no way the child can fall into a control pattern. Seems true to me.           I realized that when I can't deal with my baby, it is because there is something in ME blocking feeling for her. It is not that SHE is bothering me, it is something about her behavior that is reminding me of my own problems. The deepest way she triggers me in this is when she jumps around and avoids being present. It is from feeling ignored or whatever, that she is out of touch with herself. But it makes me soo angry and out of my mind, and I cannot be there for her. I become frozen and ha...

         Reading in The Aware Baby that giving babies comfort objects to soothe them when they cry causes them to repress their feelings and become used to having those things always near them. Page 57-58: "In response to this withdrawal of attention, the baby may console herself by clutching a corner of her blanket or sucking her thumb. If this occurs frequently, these will become her control patterns, and she will want to hold the same blanket and suck her thumb each time she needs to cry." Objects like these blankets are sometimes referred to as security objects, or transitional objects, and some professionals look at it as healthy for babies because they found a way to soothe themselves.             This is so sad for me to read because all my childhood I have been famous in my family for my "blankie" and sucking my thumb. I was addicted to it and when we went somewhere without it my Mom gave me an old undershirt hoping...

         A child's vessel can only hold so much so when they are screamed at they won't understand why and it'll affect their self esteem. What goes in must come out as Lisa Romano says. They are soo fragile that anything said to them hits them harder than their mature adult counterparts.               Interesting knowledge that lead me to another observation. It is said that G-d can only give us what we are able to take in. The blessing is waiting to be bestowed- we only have to OPEN OUR EYES to take it. What does this mean? Many of us have been taught to believe we don't deserve, or are not worthy, or love. We will be the devils beating ourselves up inside no matter what good or compliments come our way. Against common belief, it is NOT others who hold the key to our self-knowledge. What we know and believe about ourselves lay in OUR HANDS!! So if you have a very wavy, shaken belief about your greatness or worthiness...

           Looking at my ancestor photos, one of my great grandparents with their son and another with my grandmother and a child and her mother, I am flabbergasted at how I can pinpoint exactly how my nose was made up- the width from great grandmother and the stickoutness from my greatgrandfather, which I share with my great uncle. It shocked me how this basic genetic marking of features of my face I was lacking, and how things feel so different now that I know them. It's like I finally belong in this universe, like I know where I come from. It's wonderfully grounding, and everyone now that knows your features' sources, enjoy that fuzziness of belonging because so many adoptees and others who never knew their true parent/s do not have it.          I also wonder if they knew the cost of their giving up their child. If they knew the loss they experienced, or the loss they caused two generations so far. I only wish they would have...

            Everyone wants to be great. The ego fights you with that in that the minute you do something, you automatically jump to being proud of your accomplishment. But we can get so wrapped up in it, that we fall when it does not last. Because it does not happen over night. Baby steps need to be taken. Slowly, year after year of working towards something, you can achieve it.          Our intellect gets in the way of greatness. Because we can tell ourselves that we will never be able to do something and give up. But the WILL influences the intellect to work with him, and the true thing he desires will manifest, over the intellect. This is why will is all a person needs.         It's funny, as I was walking down the street I realized something. I only judge people based on how I feel about myself. So whenever I saw people who looked great, I doubted it because I did not feel great. Now that I know what it f...

         My life feels like hell now. I wanted something so badly, and my daughter messed it up for me so much. I feel so angry at her there is even hatred there. I am feeling, "What are you doing to me? You are destroying me!" And that is how I am fighting for my autonomy. I know so clearly that it is wrong and stupid, but I feel so triggered that I can't help my over-pouring of feeling.          It just made me realize how people work. How people come to do the craziest things that one would never imagine why in the world they would do. We each have our own battles, and things we are triggered to do in our worst moments.           Babies and children are small vessels that can only handle so much. Their brains can't comprehend logic, and so they need to be treated really sensitively or else they get really destroyed from their pain. Or they have to disassociate because it is too much when they are mistreate...

          Ollie Matthews on YouTube said something very important in the video  The More You Think About It, The More You Realize It Was All The Narcissist that made me think. He said that the person writing to him was having a hard time utilizing his skills because she realized that her Mom never taught her skills. Ollie said this is true- that the narcissist never lets their children develop who they are because they mock them and push them down so much and by the time they are up to get a job they cannot know what they want to do. They get stuck in dead-end jobs, with no motivation to work. If you were called lazy, why would you want to do any work? If you were told to do things you were not interested in doing, why would you want to go to work ever? When you see jobs as a burden. Narcissists don't let you feel good about your talents. so you do not realize that you have them. You will not know you have a choice to go into a job you can actually develop...

            When a child's emotions are made to feel unimportant and he is belittled for them, much is at stake. Parents do not see this enough perhaps because they feel their emotions are not important either. If they really bond with their child they will find it imperative that they see their emotions and understand them. The more blind to their own emotions the more they won't care for their child's.              And that is the whole purpose of living. To see your emotions. Ralph Smart says in  How To turn the Monsters Inside your Head into Your Best Friends (shadow work)   that because we suppress our dark emotions we can never be fully happy, because you need the full picture of your life. Just like a painter who needs shadows in order to complete the picture, we need our shadow sides to be heard and felt. That's why he said that what he's learned is that when have a strong emotion, exaggerate it to le...

I feel sick with grief and sadness. Pain that runs through my blood like electricity, slowly killing me. I don't understand why I don't understand. I don't know why I can't help my daughter. I don't know why she suffers so much. I want to scream it makes no sense and it hurts so much. I just want a quick fix someone to understand my pain and validate me. Why do I have all this pain? Will it ever go away? Why am I so repressed? Why am I such an awful person? Why am I so bad? Why do I want everything my way? Why do I want my life at my fingertips? Why can't I have it? Why does everything seem to spin out of my grasp the minute I get it? Why do I end up showing up looking like a disturbed child in a woman's body? Why am I so illiterate? What is this world? Why can't I get through to my daughter? Why can't I stand to see her shut off? Why does it scare me so? Why do I feel like I can't handle it? Why don't I love myself? Why doesn't my mother...

         I think tears come when a person is broken down from their ego, and they acknowledge their fallibility. It is when they give up on all the illusions that they are in charge of everything in life, and acknowledge their powerlessness. They give up on the fight of their rights, and just see that they are in a low place. Until one can see that, they will not be able to cry because they will be set on their ego.          We all have pain, we all have hurts in our lives that make us react too strongly to. That we have to defend, that bother us. However, if we ignore reality that we are mistaken and not following our true higher self. That wants love and acceptance.           When we cry, it releases stress and we feel better. We are happier when we are no longer seeing things as hopeless, because that's how we felt before the tears. We can embrace our fallibility and accept that we are human, making things...

           Aletha Solter writes that a baby CANNOT be spoiled on pages 30-31, and if they are ignored when they cry or made to shut up they will feel that they are unlovable and they have to shut off their hurt feelings in order for love. They will learn to suppress all their life from this, and won't know why they have such a hard time with trusting others with their deepest pain. Unless they look back at their childhoods of course.              This gets me really angry, because when I was working at a daycare and was holding the 6 month olds when they cried, my coworker snapped at me that I should not do that, let them cry on their own or else "they will become spoiled." She could not see that they were helpless and just babies who needed love, and she saw them as devils and manipulators. It was so sad, but as I told her, "You were probably not loved at that age in your life because you think this..." She laughed, a...

The Aware Baby, pages 51-52: When your baby is a toddler and seems to resist being held in your arms while crying, let her go. See what happens. If she comes back, clinging to you, it shows she may not be ready to let go and needs to cry. Sometimes babies need resistance to push against, "Struggling against a stronger force is sometimes a necessary part of the stress release process." Struggling this way is sometimes necessary to help him work through the emotions of birth trauma, where he felt out of control. She says you can help them by showing that no matter what they do you still love them and are there.  My daughter constantly pushes me away and then clings back to me. She definitely is trying to gain control that she lost in the birth process.  This is also interesting because I read today that adopted children will fight their adoptive parents worse than anything other would imagine, because of their mistrust from their trauma. They are the best manipulators a...

I have been in shock from what I read in  The Aware Baby  book by Aletha Solter. She says (pages 17-21) that the first hour after birth when baby is alert it is the optimal time for bonding with her mother. They are together, and the baby learns how to eat from his mother, receiving that same comfort that was familiar from the womb, and the mother is actually the one who attaches to her baby in order to insure his survival. Unlike with animals, where their babies attach onto their mother and imprint, assuring their survival. Animals are instinctual, and humans are emotional and our babies are so much less developed than animal kin when they are born that they need their mother so much more. Therefore, the mother's love hormones that cause bonding are activated after she gives birth and she can love her child. She says that when mothers miss that time to bond, it can cause difficulties with them caring for the infant as much as needed. For example, a mother who had a hard t...

             Tears have a place in helping a person integrate their feelings and restore homeostasis in their brain functioning. When people are not allowed to cry, it puts them in a place of holding back emotions and can later cause them to use emotional distancing as a defense mechanism. This is when a person had to leave from feeling their emotions because they were too overwhelming at an earlier time, and in the end they use it later in life when encountered with emotional intimacy because are scared of the outcome.               This is precisely what happened to me, and I find it hard to trust anyone in emotionally intimate situations. My heart constricts and I involuntarily turn away from affection. It makes me seem crazy to some people, and to my own husband when he pays me attention and I do not know what to do. I saw it in my daughter when I was ignoring her and talking to my husband for an hour while hol...

Tears are a luxury. For the babies who can get away with crying because they don't know better. But adult babies, who never got their tears heard, are expected to be strong and put their trust in God. That there is a reason for their pain. That that's life, there's good and bad, DEAL with it.  But for some it's harder to just trust in God when they are struck with a tragic situation. They need to hear their feelings first, before they could just move on. For the ones who have hurts built upon hurts, and never got heard so took the blame for the hurt that was done to them, or the ones who suffered something so great and nobody was there for them, nobody acknowledged their pain, they remain in isolation. Alone to deal with the overwhelm of pain that does not seem real because it is not validated in the outside world, so they beat themselves up for having it. It gets buried because of the shame, and the need to feel accepted. To have social needs met, because w...

           I find it really amazing that it says in The Aware Baby that scientists found that when babies cry, the stress hormones are activated and running BEFORE the tears do, and when they cry, the tears are RELEASED. This just Proves that tears do not cause the stress, and they only help the baby or person crying get rid of them. She said that the stress is there to get ready for fight-or-flight response, and when a person cries, it helps get rid of that feeling and repair homeostasis of brain chemicals. Yay for tears. I am so grateful for the healing that they provide.

           I was feeling numb watching my daughter crying and unable to calm down to sleep comfortably, and woke up every hour.         Then I spoke to my birth mother. I had to let her know when I was coming to visit. She was happy, and was about to hang up. I stopped her and asked if I could continue talking to her. She said yeah, but it seemed she did not feel she deserved to or had anything else to tell me. But she told me she was hoping I'd call her today, because it was her birth day. We made up to speak every few weeks, so I find it shocking that it was this day that I chose to call her.           I should add that she asked if we should meet in the pizza shop, and I said we'll see. She took that to mean I was not so interested, because she then said, okay if I don't get to see you I will send money in the mail. I straight up said we were coming specifically to see her, and I was hoping we would of co...

This world is hell for us old souls, or Avatars of Resolution as Abby Miller of Worldwide Self Hypnosis calls us. We know so deeply and have always known that the world was messed up, we grew up feeling the worst pain. For example, I grew up being conditioned to think that I was the bad kid, always deserved to be punished by grownups around me. There was not one grownup that I trusted, because my parents left my emotional body to the dust. I cried and cried to myself, but eventually gave up on myself just like I saw was done by them. Or I locked away the validity of my feelings and began to see them as false; I became my worst enemy. And everywhere I look now, I see the same thing happening- people rejecting my feelings as valid. I manifested it with my subconscious beliefs, though, that I was unworthy.  It's crazy. Even the complainers of this situation are shut down. They are "mentally ill" and "depressed". This world just does not give the crushed one...

I feel like beating the crap out of something. anger courses through me. I hate my life. I hate everyone. I hate my daughter and her stupid loud hyperventilating sounds. I hate her neediness of me, and how she can't be straight up about her feelings and deal with them alone. Just leave me alone! What the f do you want from me? Because I can't give it to you. I am A mess. Nobody cares about me. I am all alone in the world. I was filling out the consultation questionnaire for how to help my daughter with her birth trauma, and I didn't listen to the warning. If you start feeling distressed from the questions, stop immediately. I just wrote more and more, and anger and pain welled up in me until I felt like dead weight. I just couldn't stop, I had to finish. I ignored my feelings and compulsively wrote on, ignoring the fact that my daughter was not sleeping anymore in my carrier and was trying to grab everything around me, twisting and turning the carrier around me. I snap...

              When I was below the veil of conscious about my dependency, I had the most awkward conversations without understanding why. Now as I look back, I sigh and laugh at myself.                For example. I was sitting by a new relative's house, and she served a fancy meal. My nerves were jittery with apprehension, and shame of my own meals in comparative. I looked at her as if she was perfect and much higher than me, and the conversation turned to me praising her like I didn't deserve any of her kindness. For having us over and cooking us a meal by their own choice.  She chuckled and said sure, glad you like it, it was no big deal. And I could tell she was trying to make me comfortable. It dawned in me that she felt inferior too, and we continued to go back and forth pumping each other's egos up and became friends. But I still felt like the lower one because she had a nicer house and fuller l...

                Why I cry and mourn throughout my day. Because if not, my life would have no joy. I just cannot go on ignoring my pain. I do not understand it when people make fun of me or flinch when they see me sad or not in the mood to go out with them.I have come to the point where I have no other life besides facing MY INNER feelings.           And ironically, I have never felt more joy, I no longer squash my confusion about my sadness down, not letting myself go there. I see it in reality that it makes me more resilient to taking in other's criticism. Being an introvert, I do get my energy from being alone, but that is not enough. It was not enough in the past, when I was still depressed beneath the surface, and was still trying to survive.           I am now LIVING more, I mean being joyful in what I do. And I see my daughter is happy, and is attached to me. I cannot say for sure that ot...

            Darkness is merely the absence of light. Immortality comes from darkness. People often do not CHOSE immorality, it just seems like the only option to go to, because there is no light. There was an illusion of absence of light when they were forming their capacity for critical thinking, and they were left with no way to live in light.  Children are born with innocence. It is snuffed off by the way their light is rejected. They are left to repress that self, because they have no example of it being possible to live with.              Since my first memory in life was being ripped away from my only source of love and life, I found it immensely difficult to trust any sign of love. My mother blamed this on me, of course, saying that I was "negative." So I believed I was inherently flawed, and there was no innocence left to hold. I can smell rejection and disengagement a mile away. As I cry in a triggered st...

           Mental illness. It is such a stigma and I've always dreaded that I had it. Since I was a small child and found out that my real mother had it. And my brother acted overly anxious and different as a kid. I was ashamed of it and them. I knew inside that it was in me, and thereby caused it to manifest. I acted strange and babyish on purpose. Like a clown. Because in my head I felt I was crazy.            It has always been my fear that everyone would find out so I did everything to hide myself. I grew to feel inner stigmatization of myself. Beat myself up all the time. I was preparing myself for reality to hit and end up in the situation I felt inside. It was the only drive in life, the dreaded anticipation. Whereas some dream of wedding gowns and families of their own, I dreamed of ending up in a mental home or on the street. Just like my mother.              I don't know how ...