Adopted

           Frustration with my daughter all over the place today made me realize how quickly I can lose my patience and good will towards her. She triggers me when she is nervous because I know she is just mirroring me, and my nerves make it hard for me to take care of her. I see on Facebook how everyone is glorifying their children's smiling faces and sweet looks, and making a big show of the good times in raising their child. But it is not the only part, there are stressful and annoyances times too, and those just never seem to make it out there with some people. I just saw a post by a relative that said: Together for 8 years with x, and I hope our marriage continues with our new baby girl with more joy and celebration. It makes me wonder if they do have those harsh moments, and if so, why do they love showing everyone how perfect their family is. I'd feel slightly dishonest if I was to constantly update my social media statuses with pictures of my smilin...

         What the hell is happening in the world? I keep hearing how we are in a transitioning stage, and great shifts are happening. The world is preparing for truth to happen. People are becoming more awakened and conscious, about what life is really about. Victor Oddo on YouTube how since the Eclipse, people have been feeling really low and down. I agree, I have been having a very tumultuous past few weeks, and I feel this great need to DO things more to change in my life. I was on the phone with a costumer service rep, and he even seemed more cheerful and human than the other times I have spoken to some. It struck me that people can be so insecure with others, that even strangers whom they do not know or see can trigger them to feel rejected or unliked. I tried my best to seem happy and confident so as not to trigger or upset his mood, as well as tell myself that I was confident and happy to speak with another human being.         ...

          Am mad depressed. Learned something new with my brother today. That when we get defensive about things, we are not willing to see the other person's side. For example, he feels very judged when I tell him that he and my friend would not go well together because they are not each other's type. He get's defensive when I say anything that has to do with his personality. Anyway, he went on a tirade about how rude and not socially correct it was for people to say who is each other's type or not. I got exhausted, and just said forget it and kept quiet. It is just too hard to explain things to him sometimes, because he is so defensive. If I said I didn't mean it in a bad way, he still takes it wrong. So I was forced to hear his side, and I was left feeling defensive myself that I did not mean it in a bad way, I was just being myself and seeing how two people would interact together. I ALWAYS make this kind of mistake with him, and he shames me into thinking I...

            It hit me why some people grow up not trusting others, even when they are acting nice. Teal Swan has mentioned this before. It's because their mothers may have acted nice but ignored their feelings and hurt them at the same time. So it was not genuine so they don't trust shows of niceness. They have been betrayed. My mom did this to me and was oblivious to why I did not see others positively. She criticized me for it but meanwhile it was on her.             I do the same with my daughter when I don't have energy to be with her and be nice, and I feel bad so I ignore my feelings and pretend everything is fine and dandy. But I am not genuine and my voice is fake and words scripted. I catch myself and feel fake and stupid. Need to work on noticing my feelings and not feeling guilty for being down. I do it with my brother because I am used to catering to him.            Am meeting him n...

         I see that sometimes I need to do my own thing in order to be there for my daughter. It is impossible to be loving to her when I am stressing out. When I go out, with her in my sling, I can breathe and be present. It makes me feel better, and then I can love her more. I know that she wants me to be happy, so she can be happier when I make myself happy. When I am at home, trying to calm her down for the hundredth time to settle down and get her much needed sleep, I start blaming myself and feel resentful of her. Ralph Smart also said today that if you do the same thing expecting different results, it is mental. You will never get different results. So when I came back from a beautiful trip, having resolved to change my life to be more free and happy like I felt there, I could not expect it to stay on that level of coolness because I am back to living the same way I was used to before. I need to make conscious changes. When I go out and DO things, working...

          I'm sick of the enabling of terrible behavior, at the expense of your own emotional health. My mother has been doing it for years, and it causes extreme crazy-making to my whole family. She is weak and a sheep following the herd, she cannot even recognize that he is doing it on purpose, and is harming us all. It is insanity. I am sick of it. She worships badly behaving people in order to keep the peace, but i think deep down it is because she feels she has no right to do good for herself. She hides behind the excuse that, "G-d forgives us so we must forgive and continue to give to others," but I think she is truly lost in what she herself feels and wants. She is weak and defenseless, letting everything carry on around her with false grace. I am ranting because it makes me mad, and causes me to feel helpless too. I see her acting that way, and feel crazy because she is older and supposedly wiser in life so who am I to be appose to her way of acting? To ...

             I heard in a video titled  How to Scare Away Narcissists  by Understanding Narcissists, whom I love listening to on narcissistic abuse recovery because he is so truthful and clear, that narcissists hate truth so if you speak your mind they will run. It is very distasteful to them because it is against their whole logic and ideology, for they are all about falsehood. This is so true to me; all the experiences I had with narcissists have showed me that they are so completely twisted in their ways of thinking. I thought  I  was insecure and tried to show my best foot when meeting new people, even though I knew I was acting and the show fell apart sooner or later and I was left alone, when they INSISTED to continue it all their lives, even behind closed doors. I used to admire it and envy it quite a bit in those day, 4 years ago, but after I tried so hard to knock down their walls to no avail it disgusted me to the thousand...

Life is not just about the good times. It is also about the sadness, pain, fear etc. It is mainly all about YOU. The person that is living your life. If you do not have your own self interest in mind, you will fall to anything other's want from you. If you live to help others only, to gain approval of them, you will never rest because you'll keep running to everyone else's whims until the discrepancies will show up. I realize this more now because of how life keeps hitting me with feelings of pain and I keep running from it and it does not make me happy. It is all a show, pretending everything is good to myself. I have been doing it for years. It is second nature to me. I am trying hard to internalize that bad times are acceptable and real just as much as good times. Because otherwise, I will not be able to appreciate the good.. because in the back of my mind the bad is lurking there, waiting to jump out at me. But I know that I need to take advantage of my life now, and my...

        Mark Smith of Family Tree Brand Life Coaches says in video To Recover From Shame Sometimes It Is Necessary To Reteach Someone of Their Loveliness, that he as a coach has to teach his clients over and over how lovely they are. This is sometimes necessary for them to get over their shame, which causes them to have critical self-talk. The only way to reprogram them sometimes is to tell them over and over again that they ARE good. I love this concept, because I used to feel such shame from my neediness of other's validation, and if only my therapist would have kept reassuring me of my goodness and done it with full understanding of where it came from. I was able to smell uncertainty in my past therapy, and recognized that the therapist was just impressed with my "story" but did not fully validate my shame as coming from adoption identity issues.

          I saw how when I was calm and present with myself, my daughter was too. She barely got overwhelmed on the plane ride, and I spoke to her lovingly and  jokingly, not tense at all. I felt more content too, and I tried to keep in mind that nothing was in my control and things were going well as long as I was together with my loved ones and we were safe. So what if she wasn't sleeping the entire time, and woke up at 5:30 am because we had to leave for the airport on time for our flight? When we were in the cab home, she was still happy, and eating her cookie curiously and in that present, having-all-the-time-in-the-world way that children do, and I took a phone call and left her side in her car seat. Ten minutes later, she started to feel antsy or something else bothered her, and she burst into tears. I felt happy that she was expressing herself, and jumped to her side to calm her and hold her. We got home right after, and she fell asleep. So she must...

              We met a really nice couple yesterday that I was happy with and I felt we attracted them with our vibes being that we got along great. I was amazed at how when I saw them agreeing and in alignment with most issues at hand, and our values in life, it felt soo amazing and I felt truly mirrored for who I am. It's true that when you meet someone who does not have you trying to justify who you are, you should run to them. So therefore I enjoyed staying with them very much. It was also a feeling of being present and alive :). It was funny how they understood what we felt about the family we stayed by in that city, and TOLD us that there was something off about her.  They did not outright say she was a bad person, but that she just wasn't their speed. I felt relieved that I wasn't alone in feeling that. They told us that her and the other family we met were "intense," and it made sense to me suddenly why they acted they way they did. It was...

             People like to be mirrored and not judged. When people are judged they feel unseen and unfavored, so it discourages them to be themselves. They feel wrong in being themselves. As Ralph Smart says, how to know when to drop everything for the person is when they ACCEPT you for who you are, and you don't feel you have to  explain your self constantly and prove yourself. I really love this because I always used to feel the way I was was not good for other people and I had to cater to what they needed or liked. He said in the recent video called  10 Things You Need To Stop Doing To Yourself,  that we need to stop not speaking our minds. It is detrimental because there may be someone out there that needs to hear what you have to say. And it is blocking the part of you that's invisible and can only be shown if you speak. :).            I noticed this over the weekend. I did not vibe well with the p...

           I was talking to two kind moms about parenting and I was surprised that they had similar views as me with being connected to your child and allowing nursing to sleep, and co-sleeping, despite how others say it's wrong. They said something profound: That an infant has a different way of processing their emotions, and we need to help them with logical understanding of them, such as saying, "Mommy sees you are upset now." They added that it helps them recognize that the emotions are temporary, because for them the emotions in the moment are all they know. It touched me and I needed it. Because when my daughter gets nervous I sometimes blame her for it, thinking she is trying to be annoying and not listen, and I don't know what to do to help. It is from my own triggers of not being able to deal with certain feelings of repression and overloads of stress and sadness. So I cannot be there for hers. But I have to realize that she just needs me to care a...

                The more u know your self and face what happened to you when you were a child, the more humble you can be because you KNOW yourself and don't try to cover up with shame.                  I realized this yesterday, and I wrote on Facebook that the more I feel real and important, the more I understand why God would waste His time giving to me and love me. I dare you to call me narcissistic and selfish. I meant that I felt more real and less hiding inside of who I was, my core shame for having been adopted and subconscious belief that I am not lovable so I am unworthy of life and love. Meeting my birth father made me realize how much I meant to him, and it made me proud of my birth heritage of being "part of the family" as he told me. I suddenly felt I had worth, and was real. My heart tinged. For the past three days I could not stop thinking about my birth father and family, and sometime...

            When you are giving to someone not from your ego, it makes a relationship good because you are not only seeing yourself. I see this with my daughter, that when I am giving to her for HER ONLY, and not because of my ego needs, it makes me love her more. Ralph Smart says in his video about when you should drop everything for the person, that if you find yourself giving without your ego involved this is the relationship for you. It shows that you care about the person for their own sake, and not only because you are gaining from them.           I realized this with my birth father yesterday, that we were both invested in one another and not just talking to gain something for ourselves. I try to do this with my daughter more, and I see that when I am in my ego I cannot see her clearly, I am only seeing what I feel, and it prevents me from being there for her fully. I see that she needs me to be there for her because ...

I am so grateful for my birth father. It was so wonderful to talk to him on the phone again tonight. I learned a lot about his family, such as where I get my talents from. His sister is good at drawing and they all dance. My brother and I do too. They love music too. When I told him my brother and sister, his children too, do not want to talk about adoption, he fully understood and said that it would be too much to face. He said I turned out so wonderful and he was so happy. I make a difference to him. He kept saying that he wanted to keep us but the city got us. He doesn't know what happened. When I said I was not always happy in my life he reacted with sadness, and wanted me to be happy. I understood. He wanted to think he did the best he could. He kept praising my parents, and was shocked to hear that I did not exactly have the best relationship with my mom. He truly felt bad that my brother was so depressed. He said it comes from our birth mom, because he didn't have any de...

         I had a bit of a shocking time today talking with my father. His mind is slowing down, and my mother said he finally said he was ready to divorce her, after 35 years of making her his personal caregiver and being all passive aggressive about his anger at her, but letting it out by verbal abuse. While she wasn't much better, by pretending everything was okay but telling everyone how difficult he was and ignoring his outbursts and claiming she tried her best. She happily took it and went. However since she is such a people pleaser she is still caught in the caregiver role, since he makes himself so helpless and needy of care that he stayed in her sister's house for the past three weeks. Up until now, because they are redoing their house and so my Mother made the hour drive to get him and placed him in an expensive hotel for a few nights until the house was back to liveable and they can move him back.           I did not t...

          I realized we have no self esteem so it makes us feel invisible and unimportant and just not good enough. So we stay down and feel low. We don't feel our emotions because we were taught we don't matter, as  ACOA's Don't Talk. Don't Think. don't feel - Special Guest Jerry Wise Relationship Expert Life Coach  talks about. This is why we live so bogged down by stress, and are not happy. My birth mother also acts this way on the phone, very monotonous about things and says random advice for how I can make more money. It is like she thinks it is the only thing in life. Also, he says in  ACOA's and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -Special Guest Jerry Wise  that they won't admit to the source of their problems being from their past family life, they just blame it on themselves. This is a sign of having PTSD. A lot of people in my life definitely have it because they cannot admit where their issues of anger and abandonment fears come fr...

            I withered in pain today, so deep. I had no clue what was going on and it hurt so bad. I couldn't figure out what to do and it was killing me slowly. Why am I this extreme? Why is my life so harsh from the inside, but looks okay outside? Who who who am I?              I guess these are thought from my childhood, being played out over and over again. This self shame and anger without any direct cause. It's all my ego, who I am, trying to get seen but feeling snuffed.              So much anger disguising the pain. Of feeling undeserving, of Wanting something, someone to SEE me and make me feel better.               It was brought about because my daughter was pulling and wrecking my stuff. I started drowning at that time, and kept telling myself I was okay. I had to be okay, I always had to be perfect. You are not allowed your own ...

          I was reading up about Genetic Sexual Attraction, and I prefer to call it Sensual Attraction. It really freaked me out, how a woman chose to act on it when she met her father for the first time after 12 years, and since she was about 4, and sh went on to have a real relationship with him and they are now getting married. It was disgusting to me, and it shows how people who act on their desires without using their logic can come to do really messed up things. And she also described about how her mother was bipolar and had two divorces, and two different children from each man, and how she had a tight ship on her and did not let her have any relationships with boys, and had her Facebook password and prevented her from receiving her father's first contacts. This probably contributed to her low self-esteem, and need to attach to her father, and have a really enmeshed and inappropriate relationship with him. She describes how she and him did everything toge...

              I was reading my old journal the other day and so many feelings came up. It was from 3 years ago and on, and I discovered how much I really did grow since. It was when I was stuck with my relationship with this person who was not serving me, yet I was so clueless to how I held my own key to fixing my self esteem. I was looking to them to suddenly make Everything better, like a magic wand. I remember reading about codependency in those days, from a christian website, and seeing how it was a sin to be so dependent on your friend because it is actually a form of worship, which is the opposite of what God wants and only brings you pain because you deny yourself the rights to be happy with who you are alone. I was so shocked and scared by this, it made a lot of sense to me. But I could not physically detach from the relationship, and it felt like doing the impossible. That was why I am so proud that I did it, and I never looked back when I gai...

          I can't stop thinking about my birth father. It felt magical when I met him, like I had a father for the first time. I feel good knowing that he loves me. I finally feel belonging. My past life seems like a dream, and now I feel ready to take on my new life. But I am so angry at those who do not validate my feelings of elation and excitement at meeting my birth parents. I feel like it is a slap in the face to me, how they all think I should be satisfied with my old way of living and if there is trauma in me from being adopted so long ago, I should deal with it all on my own. They can't be bothered to listen and see me in the light of who I really am, my pain and hurt along with it. my mother perhaps gets to me the worst, because she fakes sympathy and happiness of me meeting my birth parents, but since she never understood me and never took me to visit them enough or spoke to me about my trauma of being cut off from them as a baby, I feel it is all fak...

         Now more then ever I feel closeness to my daughter. I realized that it was hard for me to feel I could comfort her, and I used to rocked her and put on sound machine for her because I did not trust in my ability to soothe her alone. But I think she felt the difference in me, because when we got home I was more gentle and calm with her. And also during the last night in my birth parent's town. She felt very alone when I left in the morning, and was screaming and crying violently shaking. When I saw that, I ran and picked her up lovingly in my arms. She fell into them comfortably, and my husband even said "She is probably triggered now from her trauma and so it would be a good time now probably for her to heal with you." I agreed, and she snuggled up to me and fell asleep. It was bliss, and I realized how close we were just then. I wrote last night: It hit me how I may really be valuable when my daughter stopped and looked at me when I told her not to...

I lost my mind this morning, after meeting my Birth Parents and being on a high last night. It didn't last. I fell way down the minute things didn't go well. I felt pressure about meeting my Biological sister today, and was not feeling ready for it. We barely know each other, and I hate being fake with people just because it is "expected" of me to be nice when I don't feel so lovey. I got annoyed and took all the anger out on husband, because of how I felt he didn't understand me and was not in tune with my feelings. Turns out, he was triggered too and did not know how to act last night, and that was why he seemed not too involved with my birth parents. I was soo angry, but now am grateful that I know how he felt, and I wish I would have spoken to him about it right away when I started noticing. Codependents sometimes do not notice their anger and resentment, because of the usual need to cover it up to please their parents, so I did not notice my feelings of...

I'm on a high. Met my birth parents tonight and it was out of the world. I was shocked when I saw my father because his eyes were so blue and his hair so light red when I have dark hair and eyes. But I have reddish highlights. And his nose turned up like mine. His personality shocked me too, it was so similar to mine. How he was so bashful yet warm and loving too. He had a certain containment to him that I share, like we are watching the world and taking it in but don't necessarily feel the need to be part of it. Loners, yet not lacking sense. Very low self-regard. As if we don't even care to feel bad for ourselves because that would not be productive. Went straight to the realness, saying how we looked alike and I laughed and laughed. He apologized a bunch of times for the "messy house" which it really wasn't so bad. He kept saying wew! As if he was still shocked to meet me. He tried pushing my birth Mom out because he was self conscious of the mess, and tha...