Adopted

          Love that is codependent is not real because it is only giving when it benefits the person giving. It is not truly seeing what the other needs. Even with a parent who is giving their child attention when codependent it'll have a selfish motive and fakeness to it, where the kid will not feel like their own person. Because the mother only sees what makes her happy in the kid. It is a lonely feeling like they are detached and the kid is left to fend for himself.             I saw this is my own life when my very loving and warm mother refused to see my pain, disqualifying it completely because she did her best raising me. She wanted me to shut myself off from my pain all because SHE did a good job for herself. When I told my aunt about it, she said I am not kidding you, "Your mother is such a special person you have to understand her and not be upset, because she's been through a very hard life." This is exactly how code...

        When you appreciate something fully, you can get abundance. But so many of us don't feel worthy and deserving, and feel like we need to keep taking from the world to feel whole. but when you know you deserve it, and deserve to feel that unconditional love from the world, you will feel better about taking and appreciate all abundance that comes your way. Feels better to take. Don't need to feel like you are "stealing" something for yourself. I used to feel that way with everything I had. I am learning to allow myself to feel worthy of getting things.

         We don't truly grow up when we have traumas stuck in us and not seen. We may be 30 but still are 12 or 2 years old in certain ways. Such as needy for attention and love. So our egos are not fully developed to our current age. If you think about it, babies are underdeveloped in ego, meaning they don't understand certain concepts. Like the fact that mothers might be too hurt to be there for them. They just expect love and care, because they are born that way. It is a continuum concept- that babies expect to be cared for. It is natural for them to need attention, it is how they survive. They are just learning about their world, and are not understanding of there being other people with needs.          When a person gets hurt in their undeveloped ego stage, they will subconsciously stay there despite growing physically. The soul and emotional body still needs to move forward, and it cannot if nobody acknowledges it. That is why...

              How could she not care?? How does she just laugh when I sing a song about a baby being left by his mother in the hospital. How can the feelings still be in me after 24 years? Why does the pain live in my soul? Why can't I feel for my own daughter when I neglect her? My own pain is blocking it. I can't feel anything until this pain is seen. I don't care about anything else. I cried and screamed as I thought of her leaving me when I was 2 days old. And then how I was passed around at age 6 weeks because no body could take me permanently. Is this why I can't feel anything else. They just didn't care about my pain. They didn't acknowledge it as long as I looked okay on the outside. But inside I was burning, and missing something vital to my state of living. And It stays with me to this very day. How can they not acknowledge it still? Because they wanted to be happy on their own so they used us as pawns to fulfill their own selves, but did not...

          One thing Anne Lammot said she was sure of about life, she says in a TedTalk video, was that we cannot save others and as much as we try it is up to them to change, and trying to fix them is disrespectful. Kudos!! True of her for that. I really wish this was more popularly known. My mother is an avid fixer of others, thinking that if she doesn't help them she is "uncompassionate." She always tried to fix her children by accusing them and yelling at them when they did something she didn't like. She cannot separate herself from them and their own deeds. So many people are like this, thinking if they don't do everything to help others that makes them a bad person. I used to be of this belief very much as well. I still feel enormous guilt when I am not doing everything to help and fix others. Such as knowing people are suffering but not being a listening ear or having them know that I support them. You cannot always show your support to people because the...

            Trying to float in the negative feelings, reminding myself that sadness and despair isn't so bad... It's important to feel the feelings, but be able to float in them and not be in trauma vortex or flooded as Marion Rose says.... It's also imperative that we change our neuro-plasticity with good experiences if we want to heal cptsd and childhood trauma mindset as Richard Grannon says.... But how do I know how much feelings is too much and how I am reprogramming the trauma in my mind? It's a struggle. Fighting my feelings or letting them go. How much can I deal with them? The shame of not being perfect, the dread that I am wasting my life, the loneliness and emptiness inside when I feel controlled by my environment... When it's just my daughter not being able to go to sleep because I went out to the shops and left her in the carriage and she may have felt stuck and incapable of doing  and now she might have that feeling her whole life becaus...

        We have to be honest about ourselves and where were are holding. I expect more from myself then I can handle, and this has been going on for years. my whole life I have been trying to be someone I am not, and this get's in the way of ever really feeling real.              This is what Jerry Wise meant when he said he used to be a human "doing"- always trying to please everyone and be helpful, and just trying to not get in anyone's way. This is the way I have been too, and now when I am trying to please myself because it brings me happiness, I do not know what is real for me and what isn't. I have a hard time discerning from over-achiever thoughts, and ME. Just plain me and what I can actually do. And this messes with my head a lot.            For example, I expect myself to be able to take care of my daughter with compassion, but alas my own needs come up and I ignore them because I feel lik...

           It hit me that if we cannot see others emotions, it is because we are stuck in not seeing our own, and I know I've said this a lot of times but now I see it in a new light. My husband and I had a Therapy Session with a famous self-differentiation Therapist named Jerry Wise, and we told him about our background and past therapists whom we felt did not see us. He said that a therapist can only help you as much as they've gone themselves, and therefore one of my past therapists did not validate that I felt I was not being helped by her because she felt she was doing a good job of it. That showed that she did not understand my issues. I also explained that one therapist we went to said I shouldn't think about my emotions that I had as a baby, and Jerry Wise said he would never say something like that to a client after they told him that they went through a tragic situation. He also said that it can take a lifetime to get self-differentiated, and that...

           I read something on the Aware Parenting Facebook group that really resonated and helped me. This woman was saying how when she took her 5 year old to his kindergarten for the first time, she had apprehensions because of her own bad experience. Sure enough, she felt like the others were staring at her when her son was being loud, and so she told him to quiet down. She saw the sadness on his face and felt bad at how she had hurt him by taking away his confidence. She was asking for advice of how to get through it. Another woman responded lovingly by saying she had a similar experience, where she acted less authoritative than the other parents, and as they expected parents to behave. She and her son did what they wanted, and she let him have his favorite food by the bench every day, and even brought for other hungry kids. She said she learned that by being confident in herself and what they believed, it made it easier to feel good despite their diff...

           Truthfully, the possibilities are endless. I used to think that in order to be a somebody in life, I had to have lots of skill and experience. The thought of becoming a professional of any kind was daunting. It was a far reach, at the end of a long journey. I was too ashamed to admit this, I felt incapable of doing anything useful in the world. So I pushed and procrastinated chosing a career, and ended up in one dead end job after another. I complained about the bore of it and my bosses' mistreatment and having low expectations of me, but the thought of it being my own choice to end up there and that I had options of doing things I actually wanted was nonexistent. It seemed impossible. The last job I had was getting closer to my actual will, and that was being an assistant babysitter and substitute teacher for young kids. I felt happier in it, despite still feeling like they were undermining my skills. It was the first time I was working for mon...

         I think people who deny the existence of trauma in adoption are ignorant. They are usually random people who don't think much about things, and only see their own opinions. They say things in response to hearing someone was adopted like, "Don't you feel lucky? Someone wanted you!" It makes my head spin how one-sided that statement is. Like, what about the deep scars that the person has from being unwanted and rejected in the beginning? Or, "At least they had a good childhood, compared to growing up in your biological dysfunctional families, they are the lucky ones." Again, it discredits the wound of adoption in the first place. Why do people only see things from their own little perspectives??            I think this is a major part of what further traumatizes adoptees, the fact that they don't know that it is okay to feel trauma from their past. Since most of society is ignorant of their plight, that being of feeling los...

             I went out today. I couldn't handle any more trauma vortex I felt when my daughter was not falling asleep, and I was sinking into self-blaming for it being caused by my nervousness. I have this ongoing jittery-ness sometimes, like I either need to be accomplishing things or else I throw myself into avoiding my feelings by distracting with food. I cannot handle being alone with her in her states of hyperactivity, when I know she should be sleeping because she is tired but she cannot calm down to do this. So after 2 hours of trying to put her to sleep, and only accomplishing having her sleep for 2  half hour intervals, I resolved to enjoy my day and go out for air. It would be good for the both of us to get a break. But alas, she was still sleepy and in her trance state. I went to a clothing store to buy myself a much needed skirt. As I sifted through the aisles, a woman stood nearby and asked if I needed help. I was very aware of her g...

              Deep down we all suffer from feelings of low self-worth, and are embarrassed of all of our flaws whether they are hidden from others or not. We will always look at others in a better light than the way we see ourselves, because we do not know of their issues and ugly side. The thing is, we keep running away from facing our flaws and feelings of self loathing, but it will always come back to us because it'll be there. Waiting when the glass is finished and the adoration of our peers wears off and we are left with truth. When our closest relationships spin off because we do not accept the parts of ourselves and do not let them see it too and they are left in confusion of the light that is missing in our eyes. Or the addictions that never leave us satisfied, or the adulation from them that never do feel lasting. In the end what's always left is to face the wreckage inside that screams for our attention. I am speaking from my own perspective...

            I was listening to a wonderful YouTube video about Highly Sensitive People and self care, called HIGHLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE (in relationships) & the Subconscious by Candace van Dell. It really inspired me in how I can have better boundaries with people whom I sense are not being truthful. She said that us HSPs can sense into someone's energy when they are saying something untruthful, and it may even be from their subconscious and they are not aware of it. This is so relevant in my life, because many times I have that feeling, that people are being untruthful to their integrity, and I feel like my hands are tied because either they won't listen or deny it, or I fear it would hurt them if I said anything. So she says that a way to assert yourself when you sense this is to say something such as, "Is it possible that you are incorrect in what you said?" And this way, the person may be open to discussion about it.         ...

I am narcissistic in that I see myself deep down as perfect and beautiful in every way, and I cannot seem to get it shown in my outer world. It kills me and I spin wildly around and around trying to get my needs. I see this blog as a manifestation of my inner self worship and adoration, and since I am anonymous no body who sees it will ever know the real me in person and thereby be able to disprove of it or put it to the trash as unworthy. It is ultimate narcissism, because I can get everyone and myself who sees it to think I am amazing and talented and as wonderful as any other person on the planet. But I don't truly believe I am. If anyone was to compliment it, I'd never believe it and think the compliment was a lie and not for the TRUE me. I see myself as an embarrassing troll, trolling to be a human in this withering skinny, scanty body. I see myself as some kind of creepy caricature of an old geezer, shuffling through the streets trying to steal some good from the gar...

             People get married to pamper each other the way they pamper themselves. The ones who grow, change, the ones who stay stuck themselves, will stay stuck in their marriage too. It's all about how you see yourself.           We come to this world and go through our traumas in order to get to adulthood and undo all that was inflicted onto you that harmed you. The more a parent understands themselves and how they affected their child negatively, the more a child can understand himself.             People who are wounded in childhood develop narcissistic wounds and need outward validation for who they are in certain ways. So they do not see themselves in certain area and try to get it validated from their outside. Such as if they lacked love for their weakness in a certain area, they constantly try to get it validated all the way into their adulthood, but until they acknowledge this and g...

         I realized what a beautiful daughter I have, and how in the video we took of her yesterday she was crawling happily and climbing. I was thinking how precious it was, and how all the other children I witnessed playing with their mothers did not give me this feeling of love and joy that she gave. I felt she was special and better, and I saw my work that I put into showing her care in her face despite our challenges. I wanted to hold onto this feeling, and not give up on everything. There was reason to keep trying, because there were results. Even though I do not usually see them. My hologram of seeing children and mothers is so weak and negative, I can;t help not being able to see our love most of the time. I have to keep trying. Also with my relationship, I can barely see it's beauty. I see him as weak and childish and think why do I have to put up with this when I can get someone more confident. But then I realize that he still has beauty inside and who...

            I got into a massive fight with my husband yesterday, because I was just out of alignment with my purpose of life and sense of self. I did not appreciate what I was or had, and it went on from the morning. I was just too caught up in growth and how much more I should be learning and doing, and visiting my parents in my father's rehab center where he was staying, that it all left me. I felt unworthy and undeserving of being a mother, and my daughter felt my tension and wouldn't fall asleep. So my husband resolved to go to sleep, and I was left with her late at night when I was exhausted and spent. As I watched her, I began to think of how lonely she felt, and I could not erode it. I was damaged, and I thought of how NO ONE cared about me. No one understood me, or cared enough to try, even my husband was too weak to see y goodness and I was left as the only person to hold myself up. A tear escaped me and I cried softly, "No one cares." I was hopin...

Self Love- The Great Shortcut To Enlightenment . Teal Swan. Ask yourself what would someone who loves themselves do now. Your true higher self knows. Such as when you have many things to do, what would really be the best for you. It may not make you happy now, but it will in the long run. It may be something you are in resistance to. But the higher self is always calm, even when it's idea is hard and scary. The scared or anxious emotions that come with it may be your resistance to it. But deep down we all know what it is that's good for us. This is a very hard process to go through, but the easiest way to have self-love. And it really works. Just ask yourself every day, what would someone who loves themselves do in my place. I practiced it this morning. As I ate my half-a-cup of healthy oatmeal, the serving size, I asked myself what I do if I love myself. A part of me was reaching for a piece of cake, but I knew I would be happier putting my baby to sleep so we can have a ...

Teal Swan spoke about exactly what I was thinking this week. Compassion (How To Cultivate Compassion) speaks about how compassion comes from recognizing the feeling another is going through in yourself, and when you cannot have it it is because you disowned it inside so you cannot have compassion for it in others. I see this in how I relate to my world. When I feel bad for myself I can feel for others in that situation. But when something scares me and I cannot face it, and I see others going through it I shut down feeling for them. This is why the world cannot see certain things, and why society cannot accept certain pains. Such as adoption being a painful thing to go through, because they do not want to put themselves in the place of the adoptee and imagine the hurt they are going through. But them adoptees are forced to disown their own part of themselves- the abandoned child- and they get fragmented. And in turn cannot any feeling of emotional neglect in their children or othe...

I have discovered that G-d is not looking for us to sacrifice ourselves more than we can handle, He is not a vengeful G-d. He only wants us to come to Him in our broken spirits, with trust that He'll help us and not have confidence that we'll manage on our own. This brings Him the most happiness; when He sees us be true to who we are and desire to be close to Him through all the hardships we go through. It shows that we still trust in Him, and it brings us unlimited happiness in ourselves when we can still have hope in Him despite what we go through. This is the true sacrifice. But once again, we needn't make the test harder for ourselves by thinking we are not good enough to ask for His help now, and think we need to be better by carrying more hard loads. When we admit that we are in pain, G-d is there to help unload it, when we are ready to turn to Him in humility that we are broken and have only Him to help us. If we are too prideful in ourselves, and feel we should car...

Yesterday is a promise that was broken, don't close your eyes... This is your life, are you who you wanna be?...This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose... Switchfoot. This song is making me cry now.         I realized that I was ignoring my daughter's feelings this morning as I was baking, and her cold makes her extra cranky and needy of sleep. So she burst into tears suddenly, and I raced to the room to put her to sleep guiltily. I hadn't even had breakfast yet (haha Ralph Smart), and I was on edge. When she wasn't falling asleep promptly because of repressed feelings. I felt like a fake and not real with her, as I silently willed her to fall asleep so I can get things going. Thinking of the food cooking that I needed to keep an eye on. I decided to eat after 15 minutes of her not sleeping, and my inability to have compassion, and I made myself a delicious oatmeal with peanut but...

              I did get some good insights from the married man that I was intrigued by intellectually, so whatever the case was it was good that I talked to him somewhat. I felt overwhelmed by meeting most of my birth father's family, and needed some guidance and answers to life. He didn't have all of them, as he was not so pleased about his own adoption reunion, but there was this magnetic energy to him- he was high off life, and I wanted to find out why. Also, maybe he would be able to pass some of it on to me, since I had such a deep yearning for my own purpose in life and wanted answers as to why I was here, and what the deal with the sleepy people who did not get it was. Was I just plain crazy, or do I have some sort of lead here worth diving into. Just a bit of encouragement from my outside world. After having dinner with the family of strangers, whom I met through a random invitation, he was still chatty and enthusiastic about connecting with ...

               I told someone what I thought even though it felt uncomfortable. She could have looked or thought of me strange and gotten annoyed. Or worse, thought I was being preachy. I just felt more uncomfortable with not saying it at all, it went against my morals and values. My heart hurt. We were on the bus ride back to my city, and her baby was crying in his seat while she was a seat behind ignoring it. He was whining sadly, for ten minutes. But each sound broke my heart. I looked at him and her just to see if she'd notice, but she didn't budge. She was a nice enough lady if not a bit codependent, and we had chatted earlier. It was obvious that I held my baby all the way and rocked her in the seat until she was sleeping, so I felt it might look self-righteous if I said something. I fought with myself because I really did want the baby to stop suffering and I knew he was. I did not want it to be that way when I had a chance to alleviate it...

            Sunday.            When you want people to know the truth, it is not a question of if you are forcing them to think like you because of your egotistical anger. It is really a matter of wanting others to see the truth the way you do. If they do not, I feel they are missing something big in their lives and are not happy. I am allowed to speak up about my beliefs, and I cannot hide who I am any longer, as Teal Swan says, if you are not yourself in your relationships you will feel drained and people will feel you are pushing them away and reject you back.           I am happy because my daughter is herself and she is fire. She screams and is on all the time. I don't force her to stop crying I just do my own thing. I am air and have water too. I go in all directions and see everything. That's why it is easy for me to be influenced. But I am not a puppet.        ...

             Saturday, Last Week.             It was just too much. Overabundance of talking to the stranger, whom I thought was a overly special person and turned out to be even more messed up than me with 25 years over me, adopted and ignorant of his emotional deregulation and expectancy of everyone around him to be perfect, while he himself acted like a naggy child desperate for attention, which was so obvious that I misread it as sarcasm. I spoke all night to him, despite his warning about not getting too caught up in a stranger's admiration of you, and I enjoyed his special attention and his was of making me feel like an equal. The next day looking back I felt creeped out. Especially when I saw him going against all his so called beliefs. I should have stopped when he said he loved junk food. Why did I believe that distinguished mask he wore? Sure enough, in the afternoon as I stepped into the room and spoke to his...

            Thurs, cont.           They weren't the most polite bunch, but they were my family. I felt something open up in me for the first time. Belonging on this planet. But at the same time, I felt like a pariah because of all the years missing. And how they seemed so relaxed and comfortable in their skin, when I felt so out of place as usual. Felt like my usual robotic self playing the part. But they were oh so comfortable. I envied it. I imagined my grandmother, a young, carefree girl with headaches and stress, being questioned by top doctors and then going under their knives like the experiment she was. As they took out a part of her brain. My heart constricted and I opened my mouth in horror as they told the story. It was just a story to anyone else, but to me, and them, it was a nightmare of reality. And how she couldn't function and tried to jump off a 3 story house after that. And they held her back but she was strong....

            Thursday, last week.            On the city bus going to my biological cousins, and a guy, 89, just wanted to talk, was friendly- no judgement. People of trauma just need to be heard. Don't try too heard to be perfect just listen. Be yourself. Don't have agenda. He was open so I enjoyed talking. Tried not to please too much. I noticed my own reactions and inner shame, and let it go to try to get into the conversation. It worked, and I was able to listen and speak unbothered.                           Like by the Mrs. that I stayed by, I realized I was always insecure because always feel judged. But need to be aware of my needs and how I'm acting. She can't really empathize much, also needs to be seen. So I am polite and not too open and try to be nice. Thank her for help. When I act needy she can't comply. Looks at me strange.     ...

           Last Week Wednesday.              I was meditating today on my sorrows and hurts, because my biological cousin was supposed to pick me up according to plan but he missed me and I didn't hear the bell. So when I called them and they told me, and I realized that not going to visit them today would waste another full day because I had no other plans, I said I'd take the bus. But my heart was heavy and I felt stepped over and abandoned by birth family all over again. I tried to think of a reason for this to have happened, because I felt this was another hurl after hurl- more than usual for me. I resolved to eat a healthy lunch and stay on track, unlike yesterday's drowning my sorrow in ice cream and pastries from the supermarket. I listened to an ironically timed Infinite Water's video How To Turn Your Rough Patches Into Sparkling Diamonds , and he said that when you have trouble times don't let that define you....

        Last Week, Thurs.            Crushing sadness. I think I am getting to the root of who I really am. It's the feeling that will never go away. I try to shush it with ice cream, but this time it just won't. Go away. Humanity is against me. There is nothing to live for. Nothing left to feel joy from. My birth family does not care about me after all. In reality. Nobody wants to take care of this young girl needing love. Nobody cares enough to make time in their day to meet me. My mother is tired, my sister is working all week, my cousins are busy, another cousin says there's too much traffic. So here I sit alone. On a bed. With my wild baby smiling and blowing raspberries. And I am not even here. I am else where. In the pain of isolation and hell. She is alone. Nit physically, but emotionally. Is that what they all want? For my child to feel neglected too? Begood4000 says that the world wants everyone to be pulled down to their p...

           It takes humility to admit you are wrong and projecting. It takes humility to admit you see things differently because of your childhood. Lisa Romano Family Tree Brand Life Coaches Mark Smith said in video The Miracle Of Trauma Recovery that he doesn't want advice or problem solutions he just wants to help people who have been through trauma by saying his story. People just need emotions heard sometimes. Others feel the need to put logic out when they hear emotions but it is wrong and pain needs to be validated. I full on agree and it's hard to hear it sometimes. 

            I don't know what it is bit but I am feeling very stuck, hurt and rejected. I wrote my biological brother's adoptive mother an email to update on the information I found, and to ask if anything is new with her son.              She answered curtly that she feels her son and my other brother both have very different ways of searching for themselves, and it does not involve the craving to meet their birth families, it is more inside and feeling out of place in their skin. Then she said she was thinking of my brother whom I grew up with, and that there are things she came up with that she wouldn't put out in an email. She answered fondly and that was it. It tugged at my heart and I feel like crying. I just feel so rejected once again. I don't know what her deal is. She is kind of closed off and not very engaging. Or maybe it's me. But it's my feeling. I guess I don't know how to take in anything other than a p...