Adopted

I spoke to my favorite Rabbi this morning and told him what I am going through. It was my first time talking to him and I was so nervous, but he understood everything pretty much. He reassured me and told me to focus on my health, staying away from toxic people. It made me realize that my family now matters the most, and I was worrying about things that would not help such as wanting to be more religious. He said it will come and God has lots of patience. He heard about my adoption and I told him how I was able to do so much healing by meeting my birth parents. He said I should follow my heart. I felt his respect for me and it was comforting. He told me to move away from the community I was in now because it way to black and white, and find a place that I was comfortable to be myself in. It's true and I hate when people stare at me not understanding me. I appreciated how he said I had the power to raise my family and find a purpose for myself in it. He said it was important for me ...

I received a letter from my birth mother, with her usual check. I was feeling lost, so I appreciated it. Everything was running around my head, reading Zara Phillips' new book Somebody's Daughter and seeing myself in it, through the pain of self-numbing and having to prove myself to everyone... Realizing only I can help myself. I had texted her a long message about my plight and our similarities, and she did not answer. I guess my desperateness was off-putting. I felt like an ultimate failure with no achievements in life, and I doubted I would ever have any. I felt like a narcissist devaluing myself. I got angry as well at my husband for expecting me to make him happy, or so I projected, and I snapped at him. I could not feel for him. I wondered if I was too optimistic to think I would stay with him and make it, unlike Zara who ran away from her marriage because she could not give herself to someone. I was the same way, but optimistic that at least I was honest about it with h...

A toddler cannot feel truly loved unless we see all of his emotions and understand them. I saw a quote in Sam Vaknin's website about how a parent's job is to be the higher voice of reason to the child's emotions, and teach him how to regulate them. If the parents do not do this, the child will have to develop the higher self on his own and it will be ever harder without the modeling of how to do so. This is what I have been having such trouble doing for my girl today. She was tantruming really bad last night, and I looked at her in the eye after much trouble getting her to rest as usual, and at 2 a.m. she screamed and screamed and I made myself listen. Blocked out any of my own inability to see it. As I was watching a YouTube video about an adoptive mother describing her adopted son's inability to feel love, and it coming from physical brain wiring that no one can deny. No matter how much they want their child not to have these problems. And I thought about my own daug...

Broiling emotions. Came back from the meeting with Zara Phillips which my husband drove me to, and we were late to. It was eye opening to see how small I felt around people who actually got me. I saw myself for real in my wound. interesting how I met the one person from the documentary about adoptees who inspired me. Zara was so gracias and kind it was a dream. Like I was important. I feel sad a bit today out of bearings. On top of the world but shot down now. Tired. Richard Grannon life show was amazing, about how codependents need to do the work themselves. Feel worried about not changing. I took it out on my husband but really I don't know who I am. So I see his complacency and blame it on him. Things just happen at times and we have no control over it. Admitting that I am clueless helps me relax.

I saw how my daughter needs independence yesterday and literally will not listen if she feels diminished in who she is. She needs to feel like a person and it helps me focus on myself and not cater to her too much. It feels true. The Continuum Concept says this, but the playing with your kids in Aware Parenting takes away from it a bit because it says you should get on to your child's level. I think getting down to your kid's level is important to show them you see them. See and feel their emotions so they connect with you. I do this sometimes, when I act silly with her and pretend to be hurt. I do it naturally. Such as when I pretend her scratch hurt me yesterday when I was tense. She loved that and played it again. I laughed too and saw how funny it was. She was a cute little kid hurting a grown up.

Yesterday was interesting. I decided to meet a new friend I had made, a sweet quiet girl that reminded me so much of myself that it was narcissistic supply that made me ask her if she wanted to hang out. She gave me her number and seemed interested in friends as well. She texted me recently about going to a speech together, and I readily agreed. I just had to leave my daughter at home in order to be have time on my own to get to know her. So I took my daughter and told her what was going to happen. That I was leaving, and I would be back soon, that I was going to a speech. I was very soothing, and she cried hysterically but ten minutes later she understood. I felt my heart breaking and I wondered how my mother could have left her children. Or any birth mother for the matter. I felt her pain and let her know that I understood. I had a horrible day yesterday as is, struggling with self-hate and low self-esteem. I realized it was real and I needed to pay attention to the feelings. The ado...

I realized that feeling this pain makes me feel more real. Even though it is so defied by my outside world so I went on the adoptee group on Facebook and was well taken by them. They understand how it feels to not have validation from your close ones. I feel so rejected and worthless to everyone. I described how I felt on the phone with a cool professional who was putting down my requests for dna results to discover my birth grandfather. Also it was interesting, how one person was describing how her newly found birth mother rejected her hug. I replied that that sounds awful and my condolences. But I realized that I was also outwardly rejected by my adoptive mother. When she didn't pay attention to my pain and I felt like she never could so I had to hide my pain. My daughter must feel that same excruciating pain when I ignored her this morning as I concentrated on my own pain. And I cried a lot. She reached out to me again and again, saying "hug" as she learned she can ask...

If one more person tells me to be happy... I swear. I woke up upset and annoyed at myself. For everything. For faking it. For not being happy. For doing the wrong things. I was sick of ever thing. Sick of how I waste time. Sick of how I ate too much garbage nastiness that doesn't help me. Sick of lying in bed all morning waiting for my daughter. Sick of not listening to my needs. Sick of being lazy. Sick of having to wait for her and her depending on me. Soon she'll go back to sleep if I get her up now but she refuses to fall back asleep because I am antsy. Why is it all dependent on me? Why can't I be free. Was my birth mom really cruel for selling away her children? I got up and thought of all the things I needed to do. Did them. Husband was coming home early cuz tired. I listened to sad music. Reminded me of my daughter's early life and staying at my mom's, alone. Fighting. In heaven with the new baby. Isolated. Sad. Bittersweet. I started crying. The pain was e...

For years people have been sticking to living in stereotypes and not able to embrace others. Making others feel ashamed for who they are. Hurting them and turning them down. We have come to an age where we are all dying to be seen and loved for who we are. We are terrified of weakness because we were soo hurt for having it so we have to pretend it's not there. Here is where disconnection comes in, and we see others as "out to get us." Scared of opening up, so running from the pain. On Ollie Matthews' YouTube channel someone said that baby boomers were the generation that was raised to never be able to admit their fault. Therefore they gaslight everyone else and make them feel wrong, never taking responsibility. Well, often. This is the case in my life. Where my mother has numerously implied that my emotions are my fault and I need to shut them down for her sake. As a quote on adoptees said: Adoption is meant to save the baby, and not for the baby to save the mother. ...

People are all part of one another. I saw this today. I woke up in confusion after strange dreams. I tried to find truth in a Youtuber, Cody K, exposing the popular Youtubers for their craziness. I laughed a lot and felt relieved. But then I saw that he was stuck in lies too, in how he seemed to support porn and masterbation. It made me realize that we are all in our own struggles and nobody has full truth. Therefore worshipping others will not help. As Pete Gerlach says, when you heal your true self you promote yourself to "equal" with the rest of the universe. No one escapes unscathed. Everyone has pain. I love this because the narcissist I recently got in touch with told me, "I am not a fake optimistically spiritual person and I see truth for its ugliness as it is," implying that I was one. Her perception is negative and narcissistic because they do not believe in being responsible for their actions, and think the world is out to get them. Victim mentality. It do...

I am happy that I am in recovery from my narcissistic ways because I used to feel really trapped and hateful. I no longer crave to be in relationships with narcissists; I know logically that it hurts me so I convinced myself. Even though my brain is truly wired for that kind of relationship. Because I only know myself when I am pleasing others. But I am working at feeling true love and acceptance of myself. I no longer want to go back to my old ways. I have never felt better in my life than I do now. Since I know truth and try to implement it every day, I am seeing tremendous results even though they are not always visible. Such as today, when I was annoyed at myself for not being happy and blamed it on my wasting time this early morning by looking up info on the internet and then waking up with a tired headache, I took my daughter out. Anywhere but here, because my moodiness was rubbing off on her and I feared all kinds of consequences, such as her feeling deficient, unheard, and diso...

I read an article by Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love Narcissism Revisited and self proclaimed narcissist, about inverted narcissists and classic narcissists. I also read about his beginning of learning about his narcissism. I was trying to understand where it originates, after feeling scared that my daughter was one and I was reinforcing it. I discovered that I definitely used to be a inverted narcissist, before I had done some healing work after I decided I wanted to change. I used to, like the article said, be obsessed with other's opinion of me and constantly comparing myself to others. Judging myself and never having rest with who I am. I read that who we are is when we are stripped of all expectations and false self coverups, and I am getting to appreciate myself despite my awkward and childish tendencies. I love how the interviewee inverted narcissist in the article said that You should NOT be ashamed of yourself!!! That will never help. You are who you are. It i...

I was trying to get my daughter to sleep after mini freaking out at dinner because she woke up too soon from nap and I felt bad. I was just in turmoil because I missed an important phone call and felt thrown in the dark alone again. So I visited my father in order to share in the grief but my mother came and made me feel even more alone. I had no validation for my plight so I felt unreal. It is not enough to read about it sometimes you need live validation for adoption trauma. My so called friends were ignoring me and pretending they cared and it was too much. I finished the container of ice cream and felt invisible with my husband. Sat in bed with my baby till 1 am, and she was not sleeping even though eyes were drooping. I felt panicked and bad, and hated being alone. While my husband slept. I felt shame and overwhelming sadness at not having my way. Constricted again. I beat myself up for being dramatic. I read that anger was a cover to sadness beyond words, but I didn't want t...

I realized that I have not been seeing my pain enough lately. The grief that comes with adoption is sometimes so missed that it is hard to truly feel. Because everyone around me denies it I have to constantly remind myself it is there. Or else I look crazy because my inside has discrepancy with reality. I was so angry that my husband didn't even see my pain. I was even threatening suicide and he did not make a big deal and then finally when I asked him why not he said shyly, "I see you're spiraling. Want to share what's wrong?" I angrily slammed no. The thing for me was my daughter not cooperating and begging for attention when I had no patience. I push myself to do everything until my inner self freaks out and feels forgotten. My husband does the same which is why he was triggered by my suicide notions because he told me he cannot go there himself. So I felt justified in getting myself ice cream and sinking to my level inside. I finally felt real. I saw that i...

I will be honest now. I need friends. People to be fully open with about what I feel and am going through, who can validate me and encourage me. I feel like a fraud, not myself, even when things are going perfectly well or better than good. Example: Today I was raised in spirits and decided to follow my wishes and got my daughter's ears pierced. I ignored my judging voice telling me I was being vain, and just let myself be happy and get something. I made phone calls, packed up, did my make up to look presentable and not at the mercy of professionals' appraisal, and we took the stroller and carrier for good measure and were off. The bus came, and I closed the stroller and hauled it on unbashfully despite all the onlookers. My daughter sat confidently in her seat and I tried to act natural. I felt good and I told myself I was good. Then we got there and I was happy that the women at the place were nice. I had trauma from past awkward times where I was treated badly and discarded,...

I keep needing to learn about the permanence of bonds. Like I am linked to others in the world. It is easy to say, but hard to feel for me. I think I made a friend one day, and the minute I lose interest in conversing with them I feel like they disappeared. It is leftover emotions from my primal age and being relinquished, twice as a mere newborn. And never being validated, and used as a pawn for my mother's self-esteem. She put her pain onto me and inflicted emotional incest on me when she ignored my pain and abused me verbally and physically. I will never forget. I can't afford to. Anyway, I was thinking of how Zara Phillips said that she loved having her own children because she felt that primal feeling of oneness with them as newborns, and I enjoy the same with my baby daughter. I feel totally connected with her at times, because she needed and needs me so. But it is scary to disconnect, and as Zara said, we adoptees have a hard time knowing the difference between our and ...

My old friend perfectionism came back over the weekend. I beat myself up when I don't live up to my expectations... And I think others like the world and my instagram followers look down on me too. Like I have no right to live because I am not producing. Who I expect myself to be I don't know. How can I expect something of myself when I don't know how to be it? When I don't know myself I cannot expect myself to be happy and on top of my game. I only know what I know now, and arrogance makes me think I know more. I am not living presently that way.  I have a lot of pain to work through. I jumped way ahead of myself when I read Zara Phillips' book called Mother Me . In usual fashion, I pounced on the book the day I got it, reading half the night and the next day it was finished. It made me feel so inadequate in how I deal with my pain, because she is so on top of her's in it. The way she knows herself and filled in so many memories from the past about how she was ...

Magic happened. I spoke to my birth father yesterday, and he made me feel loved. I never felt this way before, like I was actually important to someone. As a daughter should feel. He really validated me and understood my pain. I had spoken to his sister earlier, and we spoke for an hour. Like it was always meant to be. I was her niece. Imagine that. She gave over lots of her feelings to me, about her life. It sounded sad. I was still a little detached but was trying to be nice. I still need listening too, is what I thought. But she was not fully ready to listen to all my pain. She validated my adoption as sad, and my birth mother's story as sad, and told me tragic details about my birth mother's bizarre behavior and lack of boundaries and self respect. I was perturbed. When she was ready to hang up I felt a rush of pain. Abandonment issues. I wanted to end well and listen to my feelings, as I heard myself on speaker. I told her about how adoption pain made me eternally lonely, ...

It hit me. When people feel shamed for their egos in childhood, they have shame and can't feel fulfilled in adulthood... But this is masked as "bad behaving" and "evil inclination." We have to stop shaming ourselves for trying to get seen, and let ourselves be seen. The only way we can climb higher is first by getting through the first steps. Feeling alive and normal. Without this everything is fake and won't feel right. I keep running from feeling bad about myself that the pain is stuck there. When I acknowledge my true traits and do not judge them, I can be happy. Such as my neediness and feeling empty so need to fill up my time with distractions. It is not shameful, when I learn about the reason for my pain and my trauma. It lets me breathe and accept myself. When I do not acknowledge my true level, I shame myself for "not doing enough" and do not see the good in any actions I did or do. First, I need to feel good and see the good actions I did ...

It's amazing to me how my daughter looks up to me so much and copies everything I do. And she also so wants to do everything by herself. It is shocking to me I guess to see how innocent little kids are. She hears every word or thing said, like when the lecture was on in another room as we ate, she repeated a word she heard from it- mean. It startled me. She gets soo upset when I take away the pen from her because she is scribbling on my notebook and I don't want her to. It is so hard to discipline and I have to be so careful not to hurt her. I was feeling overwhelmed, so we went out for a walk and she stayed in the carriage the whole time. She seemed spaced out and I felt awful. It was for an hour because I went grocery shopping, and I was happy to buy her some treats and only then did she munch and talk a bit. I don't know how she felt but it seemed she was okay with it. At home she was very attached to me. She is soo attached to me I can barely move somewhere else witho...

Today I figured out a big issue between my husband and I. I was listening to CelticCounseling last night, Understanding Intimacy: Replenishing our Chalice, and she spoke about how adoptees view their sexuality. She said that since we were shamed for being ourselves, we don't accept our sexuality as is and either see it as too not there or too high need. She said we have the ability to replenish our true selves, by discovering the one or few times we felt at oneness with ourselves in childhood. I enjoy how she goes into childhood to heal all problems in life,  as I agree that that is where they come from. Anyway, I project my own inability to see myself in a healthy way onto my husband, and he the same with me, so we are both too hesitant to truly let down our guards. I glimpsed a bit about owning who I am, in talking to him about my pain and how I feel. About being unworthy of being a human being, and trying to shut myself out from others and then from him as well. It makes sense...

Interesting today, in my high, I manifested an energetic time with my adoptive mother when she asked me to meet for plans for lunch. I went with questionable feelings, but when there I noticed her insecurity and projecting it onto me and quickly stopped it from affecting me. I talked about myself and did not let her faze me. I knew that she wanted to hear what I had to say, even though she opposed it from her own mindset. Or she knew by now not to try to change me. She just listened with her mouth agape when I explained about having my daughter gain self-confidence more important than not watching over her in order not to result in having her physical hurt. I was cheery and open about it, not forcing her to see but just stating my boundary. Looking back I see it made my daughter feel free. I spoke about my birth father, and she asked if he "Was happy this time." I said, people don't just become happy one day to the next when they lose 4 children to adoption. She nodded qu...

Had a really rough day yesterday, but today was a wonderfully high day as I found my power back. I went to sleep after listening to Celtic Healing YouTube channel, and she talked about the importance of facing The Primal Wound we experienced in trauma of childhood, and she said a few amazing things. That babies and toddlers age 0-3 are the most crucial age to be treated as the center of a parent's attention and they get traumatized easiest. I needed to hear these things. That when you judge yourself you judge the world, and it comes from not loving yourself. The most important thing she said for me was that your body acts in your favor, so when you see your pain it is because it knows you can handle it. I was soo down and hard on myself for not giving my baby enough love and attention. I felt guilty and horrid. I was also feeling selfish because I was so focused on making something work for myself, that I could not see anything else... And then I felt that my life was worthless. I...

I got into a raging fight with my husband today, because we did not want to see each other's sides. I took my 19 month old girl and left the house because I was so angry. I could not think straight over his screaming. He claimed I was being unyielding in my accusation of him, and I felt totally crazy because he denied what I said to be real. I had told him he was acting unaware of his surroundings and making me feel embarrassed, and he claimed he had reason to.... I felt indignant that he was not what I signed up for in marriage and we were too different... Anyway, when we came back and I still felt angry so we screamed more,  my daughter at one point started running and screaming loudly in fright, even shutting herself in rooms screaming as she does to be "rescued." We both felt scared about it, but did not stop. I finally sat in stony silence and found it in me to listen to him. He felt very indignant of my insensitivity. I wondered if I was really the narcissist he ma...

Teal Swan says if you agree to disagree and don't try to see the other person's side, that is the definition of not caring. That is why whenever my husband and I fight, and I say forget it, it is truly because I can't stand his side. I feel so exasperated by his "ignorance" of what I deem is true, that I just disconnect from him. We are both fully disconnected from one another, living entirely in our own egos. Trapped in hell, in restricted viewpoints unable to see the other side. To see how the other is feeling. Because if we do, we feel we will lose our own identities. But he could not handle me withdrawing myself from him, even for a few minutes, so he begged me, "why can't you see what I mean..." So I folded, very gingerly, and tried to have compassion. I asked myself why I could not stand to see his inability to deal with his insecurities around being honest with his parents about their overbearingness on him, and saw that it threatened me beca...

It's nice to read in The Primal Wound that a baby has a bond with its mother that develops way before birth, and continues after birth. That is why disrupting their bond by relinquishment has devastating effects on both the mother and baby, and it is likely that they will never fully recover. The baby will never be able to bond with the adoptive mother in the same way, and will likely only attach for survival. This is definitely what happened in my case. I never bonded with my adoptive mother and have no memories of emotional trust in her. I only acted as I was expected and said all the right things but never felt it. I went to her when I needed comfort when I was scared, but that could have been appeased by any adult figure as evident by how I called my friend's mother Mommy. I thought of how adoptees miss the first stage of bonding with their mother, they cannot get to the next stage of life- being their own self. They will constantly try to gain mother approval for who th...

A heaviness is set over me. There is nothing in the world that can save me. Yesterday I got a massive headache and had to stop running. To distract myself. I felt a cloud of guilt sinking on me for ignoring my daughter while I did things I wanted. All in the name of being religious. I have no clue why I'm doing anything. There is no proof in it that I can see with my own eyes, just proof that they tell me that is irrefutable. So I feel awful that I have no strength to be stronger. I feel the pain of my daughter so acutely and then become furious at myself. But there is no one backing me. So I am alone. I cried to myself and felt like a pathetic loser. Hated myself for my weakness. My neediness. It hurt so much to pierce myself with so many knives inside. But since no body validated it it had to be fabricated in my mind. So I pushed further from the truth and beat myself up. I felt I had to be there for my daughter and I was selfish. Hated my husband for seeming like the behaving o...

I watched my childhood home videos. It opened my eyes to who I am. I am the scapegoat, the lost child, always in the background, my voice never mattering more than what the grownups wanted out of me. As long as I was sitting quietly, acting cute, learning to do new things as a baby, I was welcome. But with the pain behind my eyes and the longing for attention in every episode that was fully centered around my brother, I was slowly dying. When my sister snapped annoyedly at me for not behaving in line, I sneered devilishly at her and continued. I had no sense of being enough as I was. The only times I enthused about anything was when we were being treated with toys or snacks. It hit me that my mother only saw me as a tool for her interest when, as a 9 month old baby I sat coldly in her arms as she tossed me around and used me as a pawn for my 2 year old brother to show affection to, that when he hugged me my face scrunched up in pain at human touch. But they didn't notice it, and my...

When people don't take responsibility for their own feelings they project it onto others. Narcissists do this. I thought I had to save the narcissistic people I broke up with in friendship so I tried reconciling, but one wouldn't take responsibility for her bitter feelings so projected onto me that I am crazy, and the other wouldn't own her guilt in hurting me so she blocked me. They are both so wounded like a child, as Richard Grannon says in video about empathy for the narcissist, the narcissists are stuck in a grown up body. They expect kindness and love without ever showing appreciation, just wanting more and more. Therefore, as someone said in the comment section, giving and trying to have empathy for them would be harming yourself. Grannon said it would be arrogant to assume that you have the capacity to have all the empathy for them that they need. I was trying to gain validation for my hurts without seeing it. Of course they both had none for me so they cut me off....

Does the world really contain these evil monsters that call themselves people? The ones that have no conscience whatsoever, and only listen or care about you if you praise them? And they cut you down with out batting an eye. And blame every one else and always have to be the right one. If someone would tell me I hurt them, I would never block them or ignore it. I may take some time if I am steaming, but always see their POV. Not like my ex friend, who after 6 years still does not see how she hurt me. What is this world? I guess I need to sidestep people and not give myself over to soul murderers. Am I programed for it or am I over doing it? I still can't seem to draw healthy people into my life. I still have fragmentation in me that has hard time believing people can act good to me and true about it. I am thankful that I am not like those people though. That I have enough self esteem to admit my mistakes. How do they come to being that way? I worry about my daughter's person...

Why do I keep trying to get validation from the last person who could do it? It's insane. I went to a cousin to eat the for holiday because they invited us and I got lazy. It was okay and I talked openly about trauma and adoption. Even though they are generally very crowd following, they listened and had to admit I was right. She is a fixer, so was trying to get me to see that "people still have issues with their biological children - don't forget." I felt like she wanted to make me do spiritual bypassing and not focus on my feelings. She said herself that she is very logical and has a hard time connecting her heart to her logic. She even asked how to do it, a standard tool to move up the spiritual latter. To learn to feel your emotions. I carried on but I felt energetically drained and left feeling like there was so much more I needed to say to convince them. It is not good to have to convince people your emotions are valid, but I have been doing it my whole life s...