Adopted

I realized that I can only be affected by judgements if I am feeling them myself. Obviously but I need to learn it time and time again to free myself. I see that when I am falling, I do not have strong boundaries from the outside world and sentiments in my head that get me. For instance today with my baby, I saw how I had projected onto her yesterday that she felt uncared for because I was busy with cooking. I was stressed because I felt selfish for wanting to make good food. I judged myself so I did not feel I had a right to enjoy myself. So today, I set it clear for myself my priorities of what I wanted to do most, and did not judge myself. I saw she was relaxed and okay playing by herself. I did not freak out when she wandered outside for a bit, confident that she could watch herself. The Continuum Concept :). Anyway she is more relaxed now and went to sleep. The minute I start to doubt myself I tense up and I feel it in my body. I have lackluster for doing what I need to. So I le...

I love when my daughter screams and cries it shows me her true feelings and that she is not scared to express it. She is not repressed. She is not like the other children, she does not sit idly and wait for grownups to take care of her. Her biggest annoyance is when she can't join in to what I am doing. She wants independence so much. I have to comb through her frustrations with her every day, to release her tension at having been ignored or felt less worthy than me. I feel so bad for all the times I made her feel this way. By speaking to her without monitoring my tone, making her feel disrespected. I love the way she smiles and squeals with laughter when I act silly with her. It is creativity that she understands. She reminds me so of myself the way she is trying to figure out her world. When I was young I did the same thing- wondering why the objects fell behind the bed and trying to "find" them again and again. I think instinctively I was looking for my hurts to heal ...

Scary how people do not see other's feelings and call them selfish. Or egotistical and bad. When these people are in pain and looking for a way out. Whenever we are unaccepting of another person's pain or feeling it is because we do not accept it in ourselves. Lisa Romano put a beautiful post about it on Facebook, how she saw a homeless man and wondered what he felt about himself and how others saw him. And that she felt connected to him but wondered what made him go down that path. I feel the same about my biological parents, how was I able to stay somewhat afloat while they gave up on themselves? Different circumstances.... I hope I can learn to accept many people. Today I accepted a lot in my thoughts and prayers. I am not trying to be overly religious, I am just trying to practice loving myself and accepting the states I am in. I feel pain and it makes it hard to see others at times. It was funny, when my mother called me today. I slowly told her bits about my life, beca...

I am not sure how I feel sometimes. This morning I cried my eyes out surprising myself that I had so much feeling. Yesterday I felt unfeeling and numb. The disconnection got to me. I am angry that people are so disconnected. I was looking at a girl I knew from the past Facebook, and she was really troubled but proud. She couldn't see the beauty of life. She and her friends were so sunk in- as she said she feels there are vines around her heart that nobody can get to. I was envious of her poetic depth. Once upon a time I used to write sonnets and poems about my feelings, back when I was all alone and heartbroken. Now I don't really access that side of me, only through this blog sometimes. I miss feeling! But I just felt so sad that no body understood these girls or wanted to. It's like everyone felt they were totally at odds with them, and they would never belong to "normal" society. I am like that too. And I got around feeling alone. I am definitely not alone, o...

They don't get it. They don't get the importance of family and the pain of growing up without it and in isolation. Well perhaps they understand pain but not to this extreme. I am seeing that many people freak out from the word adoption like it is some kind of disease. This is interesting to me, because all my life I was taught to think it was such a normal and glorious thing. Welcome to me feeling invisible for my actual feelings. But I realized that my biological family whom I am discovered bit by bit on ancestry (yay!!!) do not seem to want to talk about adoption. I brought it up to a 3rd cousin stranger in our second email, and he shyed away from it. The first also seemed enthusiastic at first, but then she seemed put off by my eagerness and wore off. When I excitedly told my in-reunion biological great uncle, saying that perhaps now I can find my biological grandfather, he ignored my messages!! He only replied to a question about his father's brother's name. I fe...

I was wondering why my marriage is not really synching. Ralph Smart said in yesterday's video about how to awaken the masculine and feminine divinity in us, that men and women have to develop both masculine and feminine sides to support their own sides. So, masculine aspects are support and building or something, while feminine are unity and creativity. So the feminine is good at healing which create unity, and loving all equally because she is the mother of all humans that she creates. This means she can be non judgemental... Something a lot of women have to work on. Then we can have and give love and unity. The masculine side is focused on a goal that it builds in the physical world. It also supports the family. Both sides need the other in order to fully manifest themselves. Therefore the feminine needs support in order to be able to create, and focus in order to heal and create unity in the world. The masculine needs to have nurturing and unity in order to focus and manifest ...

I realized that when you know what you are doing and fee confident, you won't feel guilt when you set limits with your child. It is only when you are unsure about what you are doing that you feel undeserving of boundaries and taking time for yourself. This is true for people who have low confidence and a sense of low worth, they are not really happy so telling their child no feels wrong to them. They do not have boundaries for their own needs and are enmeshed with others. Including their child. They will feel unworthy of being listened to, because don't really believe in themselves. I saw this with myself, and in the store today with my daughter. I usually feel more nervous and unsure of myself telling her to stop making a mess etc, but this time I saw it and told her no firmly. I believe she needs boundaries and it is good to set them. I have a stronger sense of myself. Children are very truthful too and will sense when you are upset. Pretending you are happy when you are r...

Mother and child's bond is integral to a child's growth as a healthy human being I am sure of it. If the bond is broken in any way there is trauma. It is physically unnatural, and no spiritual teaching will justify and make it any better. We are in this world to live with out physical bodies, not to transcend human feeling. Only with human emotions can we reach our G-d, we are not angels and were never intended to be. I wrote an article on Facebook about it, and my adoption trauma. A Rabbi backed me as I explained my story and the flaws of my community. Of course, not giving out any names because it would be emotional murder and hurt to my family. But he still showed me it was important, and that my place on this world is important. I am beyond happy. I saw it today, how much my daughter looked up to me. When in the park I ignored her to focus on my phone, she was miserable and did not feel like doing anything. The minute I went to her and hugged her and played with her, a sp...

Try to do all the right things, but soul is not there. Mechanically listening to lectures like I should, and cleaning like I should. My heart says yass I'm winning behaving well. But the thoughts in my head are spinning with self-negate. Resistance to being there with me. My daughter whines, and I attend to her. Show her that I see her, but a part of me hangs back. I can't get it to follow. I sigh and feel stuck. I think about what is bothering me. I can be free to choose. And my body wants a change. In scenery. Running from the pain of last night, where I almost gave myself totally away. So i still have lingering emotions of hell. Last night, I fell deep into abyss. Everything came to a standstill, because of feeling unheard. Like a big fat victim. I let my feelings take over. I asked the cleaning lady, a christian, zealous, old and black woman, if she thought there were demons in my house. She characteristically said no, and if I am having bad dreams I should tell them to ...

My brother came over last night to eat dinner with us. He must have been lonely because my parents were away. Felt fear of abandonment. From adoption feelings he has no consciousness of. I had unrealistic hope. Perhaps this time we'd feel connected and validated. But alas I could not be with him and myself together. I saw my blindspot -the need for being seen and perhaps some leftover childhood resentments in how he triggered the bleep out of me when he took over every. Single. Conversation. Like yesteryear.   Argh did he get me upset. Infringing on every boundary I set, or thought was there. Apparently I left it open for him to step on. I tried being a gracious host, and gave him the food I made, but he threw it back in my face by saying exactly what he didn't like about it. I felt gassed. He tried to take over with my husband, pretending to show interest in his work and then turned it back onto himself. My husband graciously gave into him, and egged it on. I sat there awkwa...

It's so ironic. I was just taking time for myself today, and letting me breathe. I thought of how I need to find happiness... It's inside... Lose the need to control life... Suddenly I met the strange religious man that I met with my husband last week, and he begged for money and told me bluntly you're special and questioned what is wrong with your husband he seems stressed will you make him change? And I felt he has a point. So he questions me now, why are you unhappy? What happened? Why are you with this man? I laughed awkwardly and said what do you mean. He said he wants to help me. I figured I had nothing. To. Lose. So i listened as he told me that he had a book to help me. Knowing full well that the scenario seemed very creepy. But who knows, I followed my heart. I wanted to hear. He said my heart is all over the place and can do anything, while my husband seems too stuck and the religious type. I agreed. He said I need to change him. He told me, you are special. Yo...

Idealization continued. I discovered stuff about myself and the world. Thinking of growing and the blocks... One thing that blocks me is idealizing where I'm at as you all know. I heard that when people become religious they jump to highest place because it appeals to them but they just can't keep it up because they are simply not there. The whole body has to be there our else it is a farse and causes huge downfalls. The self-esteem is bitten and the person feels horrible. We have to all accept where we are at in order to grow. Not doing so is false and creates discrepancy in thinking and doing. That is why you see very religious looking people on the outside doing very immoral things for the sake of rightness. It is not true, and a big confusion. It all starts from not knowing oneself and having arrogance. That is what G-d hates the most, because it is the opposite of the truth. The true essence of the person. I learned not to be so hateful and shutting down about the idea o...

I think my toddler daughter is adorable. I don't have to tell her what to do or not to, she is a person and gets shamed when I act like she's lower than me. I fall into that mode sometimes. In Th e Continuum Concept , she writes that the women did not yell at their children and make them feel inferior, they just trusted them to listen and they did, called "innate sociability." Today, we went shopping and she held our hands the whole way, wanting to walk. Got upset when I had to pick her up because of the snow and her boot falling off. Then, in the store, I had in mind the Continuum Concept and did not watch over her in order to allow her instincts to grow. She stood in the cart and was happy to help. I went about getting the items, without babying her and cooing to her in a childish voice. She actually started helping put the stuff on the checkout counter when it was our turn, and I tried to hold in my shock and pleasure so it would not turn her off and make her feel...

It's funny, the more alone and misunderstood I feel, the more I grow. I have to face my inner pain and confusion. I have to learn who I am. I saw on instagram that our souls know what we need to grow and will lead us there when we are ready. So I led myself into isolation? Weird but it worked. I now feel confident to face others, haters and enemies as well as good intentioned people. I want true intimacy, and not a showcase of it. I want to be deep, and no longer waste my time here. It is too precious. Having focus makes me able to discern who is real and makes me feel good and who is not. The journey is only getting scarier but I am prepared. I read that "I am somewhere between G-d's plan and G-d quit playin <:&." Lol that cracked me up. But yeah, I no longer settle for shallow relating, and people are scared of me. Because I see through them a lot and am not scared to show it. Don't need them desperately to like me. The best feeling in the world is to b...

I am a bit angry with myself. When I spoke to my birth parents last night. I was too codependent and filling the role they expected. Too quiet and trying to be a bandage to them. I called my father, and he was like I missed you and am glad you called. I said bashfully and untruthfully, "Oh thank you don't mention it." The truth is, I have no idea if he means it. It does not resonate with me. Thinking of all my wallowing and pitiful days as I heard his voice say, "So, how's it going?" I stuttered, "G-great!.. U?" Ugh. He wants it to be good so I act the part. He told me he was with my birth mother, sitting on the couch. That evil woman. She called in her high-pitch voice, "Hi ---- how ARe you?" In her usual manner, sounding like she could burst into cascades of tears. I screeched, "HI! GOOD!" On the top of conflicted, resentful, confused feelings. I said nothing. They said nothing. A person in the background asked "How was ...

It hit me that when you are strong in beliefs you act with more confidence, with "harshness" or chutzpah as they say, because you believe in others. I saw it through how Teal Swan acted in her video, Channeling Your Pain ... She spoke quite strongly to blake about his insecurities, being frank. She was pushing him to his limit, when she told him straight up that he was codependent and needy so he was not ready to move to co create. Many blasted her in the comments saying she was acting rude and aggressive, that it would only push him away. I am conflicted about why she did it, but I admire her and see truth in her. I think she went through so much hell that she is passionate about getting others to the other side, too. She believes in her resolve, without "codependent" hesitation; being scared of how others perceive her. She KNOWS herself and believes in her goodness. I admire that strength. I believe I have it in me, too. I think with others you need to show extra...

Life is really hard I am coming to realize. We sometimes over idealize it and expect it to be pretty and wonderful and neat, like the way we idealize our parents as children. Well we do the same thing about life, because it is easier to face. But deep down something is wrong. I used to get freaked out from that phrase - something is wrong. Or that's creepy. I guess I was scared of the truth. I hid it locked up in a tight box in the bottom of the closet in my basement. All I allowed to show was sunshine and roses. It hurts to think I may be causing my daughter the same pain. The same idealization of life. Because I screamed today at my husband and felt worthless with him. I felt like he didn't see me, and got mad and didn't let him defend himself because he was not seeing me. It hurt all over again like knives scraping my insides. Just thinking about it makes my eyes pinch with tears. I guess we had too much time together. We need to become leas enmeshed and more our own p...

We are the ones. Trying to connect the body with the spirit. Not just living for the logic. We have come to connect our animalistic sides with our spiritual. As animalistic as you can get. We have heard it all. "Don't let yourself wallow in your feelings." "Think about the right thing to do." "Set your emotions aside and listen to your mind." I see thousands of years swimming in front of me, of the pain of what all these words mean to me. It means ignoring my body. Ignoring me! Cutting me violently from who I am. All in the sake of rightness. It hurts so bad I can barely breathe. I am crying now, gasping for life. My very soul is being eaten away by cruel spiritual teachers and bypasses. All I ever wanted was to feel whole. But I am fractured and torn into a million pieces. I can't gather myself. It is all shrouded by have tos and shoulds. Who I am does not fit the bill. The societal expectations. Heck,  the only one who loved me's expecta...

Don't want to lose my footing in where I am at this place- feeling happy. I feel like if you watch yourself for blindspots where you might fall, you can stay up. I fell last night because the day I felt too proud. Wanted to keep this fix, scared of the inevitable self-doubt. And it crept up on me till I stumbled and hit bottom. Oof. I need to be aware of myself. I have a problem in believing in myself, no matter what others say. It is in my make-up. I know that in order to do anything in life, first you need yourself backing you. I lose myself at the push on a button. Fall deep into the cyber space. Literally. I lose focus and want pleasure to save me. From myself. And I am back to square one. A rabbi said, everyone falls. The big thing is to pick yourself up and try again. Life will never be without struggles, unless you already gave up and gave into your animal drives. And then you are living on auto pilot so nothing really feels big. When you feel something, it means the spark ...

My daughter really makes me happy and things are going well today. I guess last night I jumped too far in my emotions, and today I can appreciate what I have much more because it is over. I heard a Rabbi say that life is meant for struggles to work on our nature, to overcome our animalistic side. I am happy that it is hard because that helps me know what I need to work on. Laziness, overindulgence, anger among the worst... I am not blaming myself just stating the facts. Shame won't help me. I am happy that I am able to appreciate the small things in life, and feel as though I don't deserve it. I am so grateful. For my monetary needs being met, getting the makeup and clothes I appreciate. Having a better understanding with my adoptive mother, and having my wonderful daughter who loves me. I see how my work pays off every day. I love seeing her confidence and learning daily. I felt empty today, so needed to fill up my time productively so we went to visit my adoptive father in r...

Pain. I want to capture it's feeling. Feel it so it's real, so that I can let it go. Fly and live into the wind. My life is on fire with it near. I cannot sink or swim and I keep drifting... I love my daughter. I really do. When I see her off on the side, dawdling and looking like she is totally out of it, as my husband described when he saw at her that way, makes my heart tear into pieces like I cannot explain. I know she feels worthless, and like she doesn't matter. But she matters soo much to me. I cannot bear it to see her so sad. I want to lift her up and help her fly. She will not give up like I feel like doing. I must find the compassion in my heart for myself so that she can feel my compassion for her. What if having kids was really all about that- finding your love for yourself so that you can love them. Because without YOU, none of this can go on. Without you really living, and not just a script, you cannot be there for your child. Yes, you, are important to ot...

I'm going to be okay. The hard times make me see that I can survive it. I am a mom on my own with barely any support, with major PTSD. I beat up on myself the minute I am not perfect. I really hate myself and can barely function when the chips fall. It happened today, when things seemed well, and then of course the chaos had to creep in... I almost gave up. Made myself get out and walk, while the pain inside was killing. Grabbed daughter and put her in her carriage to which she screeched., so put her in her push car and ran. She tried to play and put her feet on the sidewalk, and I hissed "put your feet in." I felt embarrassed of myself, acting like the mother I always prided myself on not being. Pride shot, spirit defeated. I went home. Shouted a bit, but held it in till I had to get out and breathe. I thought about it a lot, till I burst and cried. Why me? Why is it so hard? I feel like if I am not perfect I do not have an identity. I can't be bad. If I am, it has...

Just went out with my a mother and we had interesting conversations about the past. I brought up some thoughts I had about her family, and how I never felt included and truly accepted because I was adopted. She was indignant and said she truly loved me as her own- and I pointed out the problems with that. That it is fake and not authentic because I was not hers and I had other parents out there. And I did not know my heritage. Basically, I realized that the more you hide the truth and live in pretend that things are okay when they are not, the more you carry the burden of pain because you constantly have to cover it up. And I explained how many people in our community have that problem because of the holocaust and survivor guilt. Of how the parents do not let their children be happy because they never got to. They live in fear and high idealization of how they should be, that they are not truly living themselves. She actually listened and agreed!!! I was not pushing it just stating it...

It was amazing yesterday by the event for women who wrap hair.   I am still in shock and in recovery. To meet people who had the same ideas as me, and wanting to connect... It is too good to be true. And the way the head of it wanted to get to know me... With total acceptance. I can hardly believe it. She said I would be a perfect person to be one of their saleswomen, because I have the personality they look for. Not pushy and kind and quiet.  I soo appreciated it. I am so used to being seen as too timid or too something, never what people want... When I mentioned how hard it was for me in the city I lived to be myself, because I am so much judged for my decisions because people value the opposite most of the time, she sighed and rolled her eyes like it was a problem here. She said she can not speak in this city because the people look at her as an alien or someone trying to do something illegal. That was why she has stressed that she was not out to say we were the only ...

Babies and toddlers have an amazing ability to sense people's emotions. And to know the energy behind what they say and do. It is impossible to fool them, they truly know who is caring and who is not. This is why adoptees become hypervigilant with people and learn how to read people's emotions so clearly. Because they had to learn it growing up, in order not to be abandoned again. Survival instincts. Therefore they have ADD as adults because they are constantly trying to match what the outer experience needs instead of listening to their inner selves. They lose their identity to others completely. I saw this so clearly in myself tonight. Trying to make friends and getting caught up in what they wanted. It is what held me back all my school years, not knowing how to be truly genuine. I am so needy in this codependency, it is embarrassing. I tried so hard to be genuine. But my genuine is very unattached and needy. Like a child. Only when I am truly interested can I really care. ...

It is hard to take care of my daughter when I know she needs more. That she is lacking in her continuum because of society we live in. That she is nervous and can't express her true feelings because is so used to being ignored. Like how I walk down the street for hours with her in my pouch when she wants to run by herself but there are cars and dangerous people. It is cute to see her learning, and she said, "don't want it" when she had some spinach leaves and instead gave them to me. But she says phone way too much and I fear that she gets distracted by it because sees me on it so much. I have to try not to, but there is simply not much to stimulate my mind. And I feel guilty because I know she is feeling left out deep down. And then I start to doubt my love for her. Just getting out a few thoughts of confusion that I go through. Another thing I wonder is if she is hypervigilant to any sign of disconnect from me because of having it in my genes from being adopted for...

It is effffed up. I try so hard to live for myself and get smacked down by the people who are supposed to love me over and over. I am too innocent and think they must be what they seem. Why am I like this. I went to a store to get electrolysis for my much needed mustache, and a woman working there of I will not say what ethnicity out of respect, totally looked past me and seemed to abhor me by my look. I asked politely for what I wanted, and she said briskly that I can come back in 20 minutes as the woman was busy. I asked for an eyebrow waxing in the meantime, figuring it would take up some of the time. She directed me to which room and then came in to do it. Mu daughter was screaming when I tried to put her down, and she was nice about it saying she could be on my stomach while she worked. I thanked her and explained that my daughter was tired. She cooed at her saying "Mommy is beautiful," and I was grateful. Then she asked me if I was here for a wedding, and I said no I l...

Help been having a rough time. My toddler daughter didn't sleep till 5 am. I was stressed and wondering what I was doing wrong and If she is permanently traumatized in her personality because of my adoption and my husband's family personality issues that cause them to be overstressed ninjas. She was stubborn and refused to show her feelings so I felt terrified that there was major PTSD so I tried to avoid the situation by ignoring her but it only escalated and her tiredness did not wear her over. Finally, I fell asleep at 2 ish and woke up to her rubbing her eyes and trying to eat from me to sleep at 5. It is getting unbearable and sleep depriving to do this kind of mothering- following the aware parenting and The Continuum Concept . It sometimes makes no sense because do I hold her to hear her feelings even though she pushes mr away or do I assume she is okay until she cries on her own initiative?

I had a terrifying dream that probably reflects my feelings of life in some aspect. I was inspired nonetheless. It was about people dying, in a huge fire and I was running with throngs of Jews. I felt a sense of unity, but also non-belonging. A bittersweet feeling like is the backdrop to my life. Also, I was with a unaware childhood friend, she and her family being below-the-veil-of-conscious, and I felt so bad when we found out that her mother had died. I realized from that that I am truly affected when other people get hurt, and it's not just something I have to "show." It is real. I was mourning about my parents disappearing as well, in the dream, my adoptive ones. I woke up with a start, as usual when weird dreams happen, and tried to rearrange the puzzle pieces of my life to understand what the hell. I picked up the The Continuum Concept and read that the logic/brain tries to scramble ideas together and is always under stress, but when we allow our hearts to be fre...

I was right all along. I read in The Continuum Concept this weekend some really great things. That children who receive their full in-arms stage, that is held by their mother as an infant and sleeping by her because they do not have a innate sense that they are safe without her, do not have an unending need for love and mother affection like people in civilized society think. When they cry, they can be comforted. I think it is projection when people freak when babies cry, because they themselves never felt "at home" with the way they felt. So they shush babies and think that tantrums are a negative sign. When in reality, tantrums and upsets show emotions and that the baby or kid still feels their emotions enough to express them. I realized this more today, and when my daughter complained when I got frustrated and snapped at her, I understood that she was hurt by it and apologized and let her get her sadness out. I know that deep down no matter what I do she has received unco...

I finally saw great results in my daughter today from giving in to her tears on the way home. She had been tired, and instead of getting nervous and ignoring her cries thinking she has to learn to deal with the upset, I saw her wobbling chin and sad look and I talked to her gently and gave her the phone to watch a toddler video all the way home. She became engaging and relaxed, knowing she could rely on me. I even fed her the whole walk from the bus to our home. Later on, after her nap, she was happy and actually kissed me directly a few times in the car on the way somewhere. I was so shocked and happy about this new affection. I should give in to her more it shows her that I am on her side. It also amazes me how smart she is when applied, like knowing connections og things like recognizes a package as "sugar" because of it's similarity to the last time I showed her one.