Adopted

My husband and I were talking about how women don't know their purpose and Strength. They Miss their impact on men and each other because of insecurity, causing hate and strife. They act Like men shallow and physical. I used to be that way before I discovered my true greatness. I was ashamed of myself and Trying to hide my pain behind indifference and I acted cruel and uncaring. Meanwhile I was suffering inside and did not know a way out. So now here I am, my true self out with no pretenses. I am confident, and hide my body because I do not want others to focus on it and miss my true message to the world. I believe in personality and truth over body idealization. Having others admire my body takes away from that truth. So I feel good and special covering up. My husband says it is better for men, because they can be physical creatures and fall to temptation when they are enticed by appearance of a woman's body. What a strange world, that we ignore this and act Like it is false....

All us abuse suffers and victims really need is an acknowledgement of "I'm sorry to know you are going through that..." Because that makes a difference. I found that many family people closest to me refuse to acknowledge my pain, because unhealthy attachments. They fear being engulfed in my pain, so they chose to get upset when I mention it, and ignore it. They are scared of pain. I know what it's like. I just spoke to my brother, biological and one I grew up with. I am enmeshed with him, as much as I don't like it, to the point where I cannot feel empathy for him. I just want to fix him so he doesn't hurt so that I can be happy. But I set a boundary today, noticing it, and let myself be happy. I saw that when he answered that he doesn't know when I asked him how he is, I froze up and wanted to fix it or did not know how to respond. And I realize that this never happens with strangers. It is because I can have better self differentiation with people I do ...

Addictions prevent us from seeing the good in our lives. We are busy trying to fill but are not focused on the present. My daughter teaches me how to live in the present because it is what she knows best. Like when she repeats my words, knowing when to say them- in the car now, she is as saying, "Let's park," and repeating words from earlier like, "Want some cashew milk?" She makes me laugh. Today she brought me a bag of flour that we were unpacking, on her own, and said, "This is heavy." She picks things up. She also learns when not to show her true feelings, like today when we got up early to attend a bris for my cousin's new baby, and she just shot out of her sleep like she knew we were going. She senses my moods. She was quiet the whole time there, and watched my mother trying to coo at her and took the toy brush that she gave her. I was surprised that my mother gave me money to help us out, after that blowup that I had with her before we move...

I'm going to talk a bit about what I know about my South Node in Gemini and North in Sagittarius, as I think this makes a lot of sense to who I am. I see how ascendant and moon also make big impressions on a person, how he is inside, his traits and mannerisms, and separately, his impression on the outside... And it makes a very interesting and complex reading of each individual. But I digress. Ha love that word it sounds so professional. I am just focusing on this aspect... I have always been nervous and shy in front of others, and this is largely due to my scorpio ascendant coupled with my upbringing. As it said: The Rising Sign is your ‘exterior’. The part of you which interacts with new people. There are times when we are mystified by how acquaintances describe us. It is difficult to know our own outer self. This is because what you show may not be what who you are. Inside you might feel like a scaredy cat but outwardly you might seem courageous. This is the case when...

Addictions make us not want see the good we have in front of us. They make us run away from feeling, just to satisfy them. We end up losing our happiness in life, ruining the good times we could be having. I saw this with my husband as it came out that he had addictions that was ruining our marriage and joy. I was happy because it finally made me see I wasn't crazy for being unhappy. His mood darkened our days. He was open about it and that was half the battle, because now we know the problem. We can find the solution to make our marriage and lives richer and more abundant. I am addicted too, and it sometimes prevents me from being happy with my life and my daughter. I need a fix to make me happy at times. I recognize it and try my best to stay away from too much focus on food that controls my mood if I cannot have it. Children are lucky because they do not yet have an unhealthy view on food. So they only eat when they are hungry, and what their body needs. They are more in tune w...

G-d help our people are in a knot. Nobody openly acknowledges the hell we are all going through. They either don't see it or their subconscious does not let them. But I see it. It is there on every one of our faces, as we trudge through life. We feel undeserving of the plentiful abundance we have, because we Know we didn't do our part to deserve it. And so along comes the paranoia and fear that it will be taken from us.. So swiftly and we will all be slaughtered just like they did to us time and time again in the past. We are victims and know it in us. We live and breathe it, full of so much paranoia that we assume even our own brethren hate us. That when I walk past them, they do not smile or greet me. Most times they try their best to act like I am not there, so they won't have to face the tremendous judgement they have of me for being another Jew and I of them. Because subconsciously we all know that we are to blame for all the world's problems. That we are not grate...

My daughter's North Node is Virgo and her South Node is a Pisces. She is definitely very flowy and imaginative. Spaced out even. Her face is very common looking, like she can morph into anyone or anything you can imagine. Of course, she needs grounding and direction from Virgo. I truly adore her, and think of Pisces as magical, pure and ethical creatures. I admire them greatly for their insight and spirituality that just flows through them. I feel like she is a lot more understanding than me. But at the same time, it makes her more vulnerable and prone to being forgotten because she is so attuned to me. I notice that when I get nervous with her for her traits she gets deeply wounded, and I can't seem to help myself. Like when she drops things carelessly and grabs things, getting curious about one item... It hurts me when I get mad at her and yell or act angry, because I see her as helpless and it is HER. How can I blame her for her true nature? That will deeply wound her, and ...

I now see the importance of not shaming your child. Because I was shamed for who I was and I rejected myself so much that it hurt to be myself every waking moment sometimes. And I finally began accepting my real trait, one that I have ignored because of my self-hated of another side of me- my Taurus sun sign. Yesterday I was researching North node in Astrology, and I discovered that it was not your sun sign. It is your life purpose, and potential. And it goes according to your entire birth date-year included. So apparently I am Gemini, and my potential and North Node is Sagittarius. My two most hated/secretly envied and admired signs. I always felt most alienated from Sagittarius. Like it was a fire sign, that was always too brash and egotistical, totally ignoring how to treat others. After all, my adoptive parents and brother were all born in this month. And definitely ignored emotions. But now I saw that Sagittarius is actually deeply spiritual and about the bigger picture. They are...

Doing my breathing exercise as I walk down the long roads to the supermarket. It keeps my body sane and I like to think healthier. Focusing on positivity. Life is weird, I keep waking up each morning feeling stranger in my body and life. I feel shame from the day before, and like my mood swings are off base and only apply to the time. I see my world as a blessing and then the next day a curse. I hate my husband and love him the next day. I feel the need to run away and find true happiness and then I decide what I have is enough and satisfying. Life is anything but stable and smooth. I thought how could I have missed what my sister said yesterday- How she was inconsistent about what she thought off mental illness. At first she abhored it, and then she said she has changed her feeling of it the past year or so because "society has become more accepting of it." It makes me think that she flips and turns at the will of societal acceptance, and does not trust her own feeling. She...

It was nice to chat with my birth sister, to receive support and acceptance. And the understood care and unconditional love we have for one another. Like how every word we said to one another was lapped up like honey. We spoke about comparisons of our children, how they both like helping so it may be genetic, how she calls her son a Janitor from the past life.. How he had no problem weening.. How he has green eyes and my daughter's hair got lighter.. It all felt surreal. Like it was there but too good to be true. Actually talking to a blood sister. After all my life of having none by my side. I wanted to cry a few times when we spoke about feelings. I felt her pain when she spoke about her loyal feelings towards her adoptive family, and the awful neglect from our birth mother. When she and I both said we wished we knew our other brother, but he wouldn't trust us to meet us. How even though we don't think about him as often, when we do it is with pain and worry for him. My l...

It is now more obvious to me than ever that a child needs a mother's love to blossom. I saw in the videos of me and my toddler, how she responds to my voice and tone soo acutely.. Like if I seem down it is very obvious and she gets distracted and stares off into the distance, and when I am being truthfully happy she gets activated and excited too. It is all about how our spirits are connected due to being mother and child, and our similarities from DNA. A rabbi said something along the lines of our DNA being always on, and how parents and family members are acting directly affects their children and each other. This resonates perfectly with what I went through today. I know I am the only one who can sooth my daughter, and our bond is intact. She listens to me and responds to what I do and act like during the day. We have a closeknit relationship, that grows every day due to our interactions. The more I can accept her full person, challenges and all, the more she can embrace hersel...

Physic feelings are real between blood relatives. We feel each other's pain. It happened amazingly today. Last night I was depressed, about my limitations of the Horoscope signs and how I wish I had married a Scorpio lol. I just...feel like my husband is too "meh" and not strong enough for me. He said what am I talking about, we were just stressed about our struggle in buying a couch from that over priced store and that he really does see me. I doubt it. I told him I am more passionate and need someone who values what I do and he is more careless. He disagreed and fell promptly asleep. I sighed and struggled alone. Night time makes me depressed and wonder where I am going, and feel alone. Last night was extreme in that, I felt desperate. Stayed on my phone as my daughter fell asleep on me finally phew. It is a crutch that I need at times. What was I running from? A deep abyss of nothingness. Familiar deep uncontrollable shame. From adoption incident I guess, as I read ab...

I'm laughing so much, things are finally making sense. With my personality and my frustration with it. I listened to Alyssa Sharpe talk about the signs and their superpowers and how it could go the opposite way when not utilised...and it sounds wonderful and fits with everything I know about myself and other people in my life and their zodiac sign. Insecurities, power, relationship etc. I am stoked to tell you. With the Taurus, its' superpower is creating from what exists, that Aries the first sign brought. I have always felt interested in making new things, whether out of ideas or connecting things physically to make something beautiful... I have always felt beauty was my calling. I have shunned myself for it, hates myself for my looking into everything so eagerly to use it to beautify. The opposite of this is to be lethargic and uncreative. This causes everything in the room we walk into to wither and die. Everyone notices when a Taurus is taking care of themselves or not. S...

It was a trip yesterday to see our old apartment and take out some (a lot) of stuff that I left there. We travelled an hour and some to get there, and planned to enjoy the rest of the day after by visiting a restaurant we like.. We are always very up in the air about planning, being two adult children with ADD undiagnosed. It was clean in there as the cleaning lady had done a thorough job, and it was weird to see my daughter running down the old driveway and stopping hesitantly before going in. It was a relieving feeling to be out of there, and very reminiscent of my past... Leaving an old life with bittersweet feelings. But we definitely do not want to go back there. I was shocked that I left so much, such as fancy huge tray (which my husband bought me for our engagement ironically), that I had no place for, and an old picture frame of our picture- perfect wedding photo of us smiling nervously and codependently side by side feeling unreal. As we carried out our stuff and threw out mol...

Just a mini rant here, guilty pleasure, of millennial parenting with post adoption traumatic stress or whatever you wanna call it. I pride on trying to be genuine so here goes. I can't do this sometimes; it is really hard. I get angry and frustrated. It requires lots of being present and patience with my toddler, and it is just hard for my mind to sit still. Maybe it is my gemini cusp, as I was thinking in bed this morning...how much I crave stability but at the same time wanna run from it because of my constant new ideas. It is constant wrestling with my mind. I'll be honest and upfront: life is like balancing on a beam and constantly being about to plunge downward into abyss. I am in a tough spot. Have I ever not been in one though? It feels like my teens were more... Simple and stable. In the instability of not knowing who I was, that is. I find that when I try to be healthy and conscious, all eyes are on me and I struggle. Trying to be present and happy with myself. I eat...

Got into the Horoscopes thing again lately, and it has really been mindblowing how true it is. I am Taurus, which is the opposite of Scorpio so I carry deep down their traits- of deep romanticism and emotions. My daughter is a Virgo, and we mesh really well... I found out today that her opposite is a Pisces, who are even more emotional than Taurus. Their emotions run really deep, so the Virgos are even more secretive than Taurus and it is very hard for them to show what they are feeling. I have seen this a lot along our journey... It is impossible for her to make eye contact with me when we are close for long. Anyway, she is really sensitive. I am seeing how Taurus is indeed a powerhouse of stability, as I heard online that they are able to control the most stressful of situations and comfort everyone. This is interesting for me because I do see how I am stronger than anyone I know when it comes to dealing with deep feelings. I just work through it like a bull lol. So Virgo can be too ...

It's amazing how easily and effortlessly I can pretend to be okay living my life as usual... Such as, fake smiling at my husband and child, buttering up neighbors and strangers as expected, bustling around cleaning and working in the kitchen, singing happily silly songs and making silly faces to make my family laugh... It is all superficial, surface-level. Until my depression gets the best of me and I snap in uncharacteristic anger and want to break down crying because my daughter won't listen to my request that she stop running out the door. Or spilling newly made food in her glee of making messes. Or my husband calling me from the next room not realizing that I am BUSY. Gosh why is it so hard to pay attention to me?? It brings me back to my childhood home, where my mother and brother constantly triggered this reaction in me. Constantly seeming to undermine my existence, by interrupting me loudly, not letting me sleep, SCREAMING when I am trying to have a calm dinner... Just p...

Interesting how Lisa Romano says in video Family Dysfunction and Toxic Shame, that people who grow up in dysfunctional families experience toxic shame for things they do wrong that is not as bad as they make it, and it comes from their inner core shame. They freeze up and their brain triggers red. I experience it every day when I am not perfectly patient for my daughter and I begin to feel bad about myself. I feel despicable and want to escape, so I eat. It is not reality though. We may not have control over situations that go wrong, like how I did not hear the bell ring when the super came to fix our house and so they had to call me to ask if I was home, and I felt awful about myself. I think if it had been someone else, I would not have thought they were bad for it. She says this toxic shame keeps people from admitting their problems, because of the fear of exposure. That is what keeps adoptees from admitting their feelings of pain, because it was not accepted when they were growing...

I find joy in having my way. In doing little things for myself. So what if it's extra? I need to uplift myself... A little something to cheer my mood. I feel: selfish, spoiled, immoral, self-shame, and self-loathing for it. I fight with myself so much that it leaves me feeling like a shmatta. For lack of a better word. But I realized that it is wrong of me to deny who I am. I am a Taurus. I always Hated Taurus because it made me feel materialistic, dry and greedy. Worst of all: like a pig. Because I really really desire having a beautiful house and exotic foods. I never admitted this to anyone. I listened to a YouTube video talking about Taurus last night, in exasperation of my tendencies that leave me feeling wrung out. The ones that make me desire to enjoy the pleasures of this world over enlightenment and intellectual pursuits. And I slowly began to accept it. My nature. How the woman said, Taurus like their materialism and to show it. Okay I thought. But the good thing is they...

My parenting. As a millennial snowflake. I want things my way. When my daughter made a chocolate mess on her dress, and being a Virgo, she refused to change and cried when I tried to tell her we had to go out and change get dress, I got really upset. I was desperate to go out and enjoy after 3 days of being stuck at home to wait for our packages from Fedex. So I started self blaming and spiraling. She was screaming and I picked her up and tried to yank the dress up But She pushed it down and I started crying too and moving her up and down rapidly. I released her and she fell a bit on her feet. I thought, good. I was disgusted with myself and projected it onto her because she wasn't doing what I wanted. I ran to hide and she jumped after me. So I left the room and hid in my closet. She yelled "Put down dress!" again and again and I fumed. I felt like a child. Parenting a child. She started looking for me, and her voice got calm and she said, "Where's Mommy? Over h...

So I did it. I called an adoptee YouTube person out there, someone I developed a connection with through our shared view on adoption, and poured out my heart. He was very receptive, and no fronts, almost, were there. I was able to reach out and get my help. I felt dignity and self respect. He walked me through my experience, and we spoke about adoptee issues and how we tend to over idealize people and spiral when they do not meet our expectations. We read into people very acutely, picking up vibes from their very tones and body language about who they are. He asked me if I trust my intuition, and I said yes. I know this guy had issues and was not as he said he was. He was not only out for our best interest, and had a personal agenda to make money off us so when we could not pay up easily enough he dropped us like a hot potato figuratively. Even though he pretended to be nice and care. I took it personally because I am so fragile and tended to jump onto people because of how I was alway...

I'm trying so hard to make a life for myself, and living happily. But my past keeps coming back at me to haunt me. Saying I am nothing, not worthy of anything, lost and alone. These feeling run deep, that as I cry my body is stuck, like opening an ancient old damm that slowly gives way. Releases old tears that have been there always, waiting to get out. I feel relief, and assurance that I am still here. Here for me. Despite feeling totally alienated on the outside. I am not living a dream, my reality still exists. I am still a broken young child, having lost everything at once. And I am still here for myself. Because nobody else is, still. Well the narcissists and uncaring of society that is. I had to deal with them today, and it reopened my wound and tore up the fragile parts in me instantly. Trying to apply for a credit card, and our efforts were not going through. We were rejected. And I was a little girl who had never owned a credit card to my name officially. It really hurt w...

How can we feel good about ourselves when our parents shamed us and made us feel like crxp as children? They showed us that we couldn't be great, we could never rise up by their own example. Of never feel good enough, by acting as though who they are was something to be ashamed of. Their very emotions and desires were repressed. And so they made us feel like those desires in ourselves were bad. It's no secret anymore, how parents make a child feel about himself shapes his own feelings and self-image. We can no longer pretend it is the kid who is bad, because kids are not born savages it is normal for them to be in ego state at that age. They just need to grow and develop until they can see themselves and others. When we shame them we stunt them. It sounds like a scary dream but it is reality. That my self-perception directly affects my daughter's own in herself. That if I show I am ashamed of my true self, she will feel the same about herself and who she is will become lo...

Today was a beautiful day in the new house. Things seem smoother. From my being grateful and the new space. I saw an article in a free paper that my husband happened to take, all about Kangen water and how regular tap or bottled water is bad for you because of it's high acidic level. Kangen water was developed in Japan where the people are eating much healthier and live longer than any other country. He went on to write about the three reasons people age and die, being dehydration, stress, and high acidity levels. For a free consultation and trial of the water, you can try for yourself how it feels and decide wether to make t the change to the water. So I called him today, in midst of rushing to the store to be back for the internet installation, and he was very exuberant and patient with me, without fronts and we scheduled to have him for a "presentation" shortly. He heard why I wanted to try it as a young parent with interest in a healthy lifestyle, and said I was perfe...

Gabor Mate says in Scattered page 120, that when an infant sees that his parent has anxiety he will have to disassociate from his own feelings because he senses that his parent will not be able to handle it and it will further hurt him. This is a big trauma for me because my childhood was basically this. My mother couldn't handle my feelings because she couldn't handle her own, so any anger or frustration I had had to be dealt with alone. I felt utterly alone all the time. That is where I developed ADD, because I felt no one in the world could care about me and I had deep shame at my core. Therefore, I tried to gain approval in other ways- by acting like I didn't care and had tough skin so no one could hurt me. But at the same time, I couldn't attach either. I was thinking about my childhood when things were hard today, and I felt a lot of compassion for myself. I almost cried thinking about how innocent I was at age 3, just trying to find a place. The environment was...

Today has been a hectic day, but I made it. We moved and brought all the boxes from our house to the new house, through the movers, granted. I was in a state of adrenaline and going through the motions, barely feeling. Except for annoyance at my husband when he yelled or acted frustrated and not voicing it. I made him tell me his feelings, and we both calmed down together. I had a positive outlook and refused to give in to his worry and dread. Everything worked out for the better. We managed to get into the house even though the rental office was closing, and the woman there was very sweet and giving, helping up as much as possible. She may have felt bad that they did not finish our electricity and toilet and fridge, so we were not able to stay overnight. But it was still nice to see a female being caring and sincerely concerned for us. Guess the small town helped. The minute I stepped in, I was happy, if not a bit upset about the not as big as expected size, that the place looked dece...

There is nothing wrong with healthy narcissism. This is knowing who you are, and feeling like a self. It is the only way you can go beyond it and become powerful and great to others. I was preached at all my life about the fact that "you are nothing, make yourself small, think about how unworthy you are for G-d to listen to you." But on the other hand of the stick, there was the teaching that, "G-d created you so He loves you more than anything, He is waiting desperately for you to talk to Him. At any time you do, He is so happy and listening." Of course, in an Adoptee's mind, who can't fathom that who he truly is is of any significance to anyone, I naturally took the wrong message out of both. I thought I was unworthy so why try, and for the second teaching, I thought it didn't apply to me because I was not good and full of sin. I did sin, but the main sin was not believing that I was anything. That lead to wasting my life away on trying to fulfill myse...

Listen, older cousin who said, "What happened to you? When you were young you used to be such a Tomboy!" with surprise. It is not such a surprise. I did not morph into a new person, as you seem to think is possible. Or I don't know what you think. I am still the same person I was at age 6, that daring, true side of me that you glimpsed was real. Perhaps you know it subconsciously that I repressed that part of myself now. I seem super girly and unable to raise my voice ever. Unable to have my own initiative. I became codependent and enmeshed with pleasing others. Perhaps you are projecting your own self-disappointment on me for being helplessly reliant on others. Perhaps you project your own idea of what "feminine" mindsets look like - weak and submissive. But I'll tell you what. I am strong and proud of myself of my being female. Even though you may not understand why. I think that's what you were trying to instigate when you said that silly, unrealist...

I saw on Facebook on Is Adoption Trauma ? Page that people with PTSD or developmental trauma tend to freeze and have a hard time with decisions in life, but it will not help to give them advice. This is true because when they are experiencing a trigger, nothing can move them and they just need to get through the feeling. I relate a lot to this and I see it with others who have childhood trauma. They cannot see when their feelings overwhelm them. I see this in my friend whom I was with yesterday, that she is drifty and lost in life but so unaware of it. She is probably shame based and thinks this is her fault, because when I asked her if she went for therapy, she said no- it didn't hinder her life. I saw through her and knew that she had many issues presently based on her past. But until she can face that I cannot be around or be close with her because she makes me feel gas lighted, as she ignores her symptoms and mine which remind her of her own that she subconsciously avoids. It...

I did it and told the friend who has been texting me the past weeks to meet up, and I hung out with a few times, that it was not mutual on my part. It was awkward and hard, but felt liberating. I did not have to take a relationship that did not feel good to me. It was mediocre at best, and now I don't need to waste time thinking she'd understand me. I told her Adoptees were different, we need to be understood. Our own kind usually. She said she also did not have an easy life, while fishing for an answer of why she did not accept it when I mentioned my adoption trauma and reunion stuff a few months back. She said she wasn't sure what I wanted to hear. It reminded me of my mother, and I said just acceptance. Since she had just said that I had to see G-d's plan in it it made me feel dismissed and shut down. She was very quiet. I then saw how we were miles apart. I told her it was okay and nothing personal, but I could not afford to waste my time hanging out with people wh...

Being a mother means a nurturing and accepting and loving person. I never had that with my mother. How can she fool herself into thinking she is my mother? Buying me everything I need to make me happy. But never seeing or allowing my pain to have space. No, she never saw me. It hurts so much to realize this. I feel like I have no mother to look up to. How can I be expected to mother my family? Nurture my spouse? He needs too much from me. My kid I can understand and love no matter what. My husband I need way more help for. It angers me when he expects so much. I feel like a child and can only go so far. As I read Joe Soll write, a hurt person who does not solve their inner grief will inflict it on others (something like that). It pains me but it is true. I need a mother figure to look to. For help and support- emotional. Just like my daughter has me. I need a mirror back. Where are other strong women who can get me and love me? Haven't found any so far in the places I have looked...