Adopted

Fear has done us a lot of damage. By instilling in people that they were sinners for not following a certain path, it caused self rejection to those who were incapable of being there. Due to not having a sense of self, as was in my case. I felt further alienated from ever finding myself and inner happiness by those teachings. I felt confused at why, if this was so great a path that earned happiness and peace, I felt so disconnected from myself in it, and so connected to myself when I strayed and did "animalistic things" as they taught. Such as dancing to wild music, movies, and looking good. I did not have the desire to speak with respect to the teachers who ignored my lack of comprehension and ability to be interested in class, visit and care for elderly people, be a good little girl in synagogue. It all made me feel confused. Now that I am out of the fog and picked up more truth to who I am, as someone who was traumatized and had to hide her sense of confusion about my ide...

I am lucky to have a husband like this. After I beat him to the core with emotional abuse, telling him the worst things, he still sees the good in me. It is a miracle.  I wonder if we are the narcissistic- codependent pair, where one beats the other down and he tolerates it because he is used to this treatment... But then again, he fights back until I break and apologise. I still feel the entitlement to push him down though. I see his insecurities and beat him for it because I cannot tolerate it in myself at times. It is like a scary person takes over me and all the past declarations of love disappear. I was only able to take his understanding and forgiveness of my behavior and "recreating reality to the idea I had in my head of him," as he said, that he was rude and obnoxious and not caring of me,  when I forgave myself for it. Until then, it was unbelievable that someone could forgive me. I had to believe that I truly did not mean it. It took hell and enormous emptiness to...

When you are confident about your needs and strong about it, you will not waver and people around you will learn to respect it. Today I was not confident about my needs, and was going in spirals and angry at myself for having needs. I was feeling pressure to do everything well, as the holiday is coming and it is a once in a year event. I was looking forward all year and loved getting ready for it. I also knew that it was an auspicious time to feel G-d's love and pray, so I was nervous subconsciously about not getting it. I felt unworthy because of not being perfect as usual. My daughter also worried me a lot because she barely is able to sleep and fell asleep at 3 a.m. and woke up at 12 p.m. on my accord because of the preparations. So of course I was feeling guilty about it and nervous about her seeming hyper tension in her personality. Was I doing everything wrong with her do I need a specialist. So I worked all day, without noticing because I do love the preparation, but also ...

The more you learn to trust yourself and your gut feelings, the less ambivalent you become about choices. For example, I noticed that I do not question my posts on Facebook as much and I do not have the same nagging feeling of saying what others expect to hear as I used to. This is very good because it makes me confident, and not have to spend so much energy and time on doing things, so I am open to more experiences and friendships. It still hits me sometimes, like when I am unsure of what to do with my daughter and start questioning her feelings and how I hurt them.  But those are my low points and when I am confused about my needs and only acting out of what I "should" be doing... I am seeing that more and more people in the world are becoming in touch with doing what THEY truly want, not getting caught in codependent places. Perhaps I am just more open to the idea... But I do see that when I follow my heart I do not care so much about what other people think. For example...

I am learning that I make a difference and matter even though all my life I have been taught that I don't, through being adopted and a "pet" not deserving to feel my feelings, and feeling again and again like a second class citizen. I see it all around me now how other people feel unworthy and like they are separate from other people, because I no longer feel like that is my normal, so I see how other people feel it more clearly and I feel bad for them. Once you are out of something, you see it more clearly and prevalent in others. It drives me crazy all day because I want to teach them the way to change. I saw today how a woman was enmeshed in a store when she asked her coworker like a child, "What should I eat for lunch?" And she was told, "A salad." Promptly. As if this grown woman was her mother. And then I realized people take this so casually, not seeing how strange it is. When people do not know how to make their own decisions and rely haphazar...

DNA flows within our bodies, connecting us to our ancestors and  relatives. It is there affecting our lives, even when we are not in contact with our actual family. Everything you do affects the DNA even if you don't care. You cannot just run or think you are gone from their hearts by physical separation; you still live on in their hearts and bodies. As a mother never loses the cells of her child in her body, long after they are born and thrust into the world on their own, and she forever grieves their departure, worrying about their safety and lives, even after they die unnaturally before her time. My biological aunt died yesterday at 48, young and addicted to alcohol or drugs. I never got to know her, having only met once during my first ever reunion with her sister, sister's daughter and her kids, and my biological grandmother. The family is very dysfunctional, like my grandmother their mother was alcoholic when they were growing up and was promiscuous because she had 2 kid...

The minute you connect to something as yours, you are affected by it. Had a disturbing dream about my father embarrassing me as a kid, worst than anything in real life... basically, he was acting childish and everyone thought he was insane, and my main feeling was deadly shame at being his daughter. He was being creepy and boundary-imposing towards all the people, as well as shaming to himself. TG I don't consider my self connected to him now. I guess it was just a leftover memory my subconscious was spewing out for me, showing me my past and how I felt inside because of it. It is a childlike thing to do, to associate yourself with your parents. Unhealthiness comes when you cannot separate yourself and form your own identity.... If the parents never believe in you being whole on your own it'll be harder to separate. Enmeshment comes in until hits you that you don't have to take the script they made for you. I see this with grown "children" who are still scared of...

I went to the rehab center to visit my father, and I got some new insights about myself. I had a healthy no-carb breakfast, and felt good about going because I felt guilty for ignoring him all month. I knew he enjoyed my visits, and I did too when I do not have the feeling of being forced to feel something I do not. I honestly just pity him now, and want to show appreciation for all he gave to me in my childhood even though it was not enough. I see how emotionally incapable he was and is. Who knows, maybe I harbor resentment... But in a way I do not want him to pass without my acknowledgement, I know I would feel horrible. So I went and found him in the dining room, a rare instance for him to be out of his room and "social." I was happy and smiled at him and he gave me a toothy, happy grin back and to my daughter, too. We sat listening to the music, which I remembered him enjoying in the past. He was so happy that I brought him ice cream, and out of pure kindness I gave my o...

My daughter is finally sleeping. Whew what a job after all my resistance to seeing her. I did not feel seen so I could not see her pain, or my projection of her having it. I also got into a nasty fight with my husband over him being "fake" with her, and then how am I supposed to be the only one here trying to see her? It was impossible... My self righteous claims ruled. He did not appreciate being blamed as it brought up feelings of worthlessness... So I finally let out my true feeling of tension that was stuck and not letting me move and sobbed in this wrangled voice saying, "Please just go! Stop doing this... I can't take it." And I forced him to leave because him just being in my space with his accusations of me blaming him was triggering all my wounds inside. Which exist, as Lisa Romano said- if we would see emotional wounds on the outside, no one would hurt one another or judge. So I cried a bit to myself, and felt stuck. I was thinking about what Marion R...

How we see others is how we see ourselves. When people are fragile about their insides they are extra careful with others, scared to approach certain truthful topics...it's really funny how I noticed that certain people are really nervous around me because they are worried that I'm lonely or crazy or something. They don't know me at all, and I am glad I finally have the discernment to not let myself hang loose for them to criticize my behavior or tell me not to wallow in my emotions. Just because they can't handle it. We are our own people and can do what we please. Healing makes me happier and some people don't understand that. Teal Swan said in, Healing- Does it End? That once you start, you start seeing things more clearly right away and it is not hopeless. You know that you are part of humanity suddenly, and then you realize that you need to help others. Your job is never finished- but it is beautiful because you can only do things that are in front of you now...

My adoptive mother and adoptive sister have stated that I should not talk about my pain of adoption with them because it is not their problem, therefore it makes them uncomfortable hearing it. To me that sounds like the definition of not caring. I can't believe they could claim to be loving of me after that. I was just so blind to it all, all these years. How they were only out for themselves, and every time they did anything grand for me like birthday parties or buying me expensive gifts, it was only on their terms- that I pretend that I was in the game. The game of being part of the family without mention of adoption. Yes it was a game, even though it was buried so deep. That every time I felt sad or cried, even I believed I was crazy and unwarranted to feel that way. I took their script and played it to the fullest, so they could have their pet. My mother even said that she saw my birth mother's face every time she looked at me. But she deliberately did not let us talk abo...

Interesting thing I am pondering. In order for people to respect one another, they need to feel like the other has something to offer. That they are a separate person. If we project our flaws on some one we will not be able to be attracted to them and instead be repelled. Therefore it is important that partners see each other as separate people that respect themselves. Guess it's hard to do that when you are under pressure and not thinking about yourself. When you have no time to think about your relationship. When you feel bogged down by the other person's needs and do not feel like meeting them.

My baby cries like a banshee flinging herself down stubbornly when I try to pick her up. I am confident so I continue trying to take her. I know where her tears are coming from so they do not faze me and I talk to her softly, saying I am there for her and I love her. I do not question myself. If only my mother got to have this confidence. I wouldn't have to question myself so much of the day, and work so hard to see this brilliant light. If only she knew without doubt that she loved me and I loved her. But alas, I was adopted and she did not know how to see an end to my grief so she had to pretend it wasn't there. A lot of energy goes into pretending though, even more than it takes to accept the truth. So she lost her cool one too many times, and my brother and I bore the brunt of her pent up frustrations. At reality being not what she wanted. At us not being her true kids, the fantasy of how kids should be- perfect and running to pleasing her. She was not cut out to be a moth...

The rewards of being able to see my self as valid for the pain I feel inside are: being able to love others or tolerate them more unconditionally. I no longer judge others for their outrageous behavior, like showing off because of obvious lack of self worth inside, or stuffing their faces with delicacies because they need to feel good out of fear of facing how terrible they feel inside. As long as they are not harming others pretty horribly, I can tolerate it. The minute they overstep my boundaries, like by insulting me or mocking me for being true to myself, I erupt and push them away with more force than I knew I possessed. I guess a lifetime of being critiqued for myself has taken its toll on me, that I no longer can even smell it. But yeah, I am able to discern more what other people are doing to themselves, and if I am truthfully infected by them. I have tighter boundaries, and do not let them affect me as much. Lol being true to myself has never felt more self-preserving and ...

I cannot take in any acceptance if I don't fully accept that part of me that others accept myself. I will kill myself in sweat and blood to try to gain outward approval, but my demons laugh at me and swipe their swords confidently. It feels helpless and stuck in this place forever. That's my birth sake, my forever truth etched onto my soul like carved words on stone. The only way, the only way to move forward from it is to slowly override it with new messages, created solely by me. I have power to change, and if I let myself slip with the tide, I will get washed away on shore. There are dead bodies all around me, but they sparkle in the illusion of life everywhere. Fires burn within me choking from the sulfur of their spinning lives. Only I know the truth, and I must fight fight fight all day to let it shine. Intense, yes but only I know that I have come here to this life to experience nothing less. To cry tears of grief and joy at coming home. I won't have it any other wa...

I had a pang of missing someone that was very dear to me, a desperateness to see them yesterday. This void is familiar to me but usually a toxic person or compulsive actions fuel it. It was like I integrated its true need in me, maybe through the forum and blog of seeing proof in adoptee feelings.  In addition I told off my biological uncle, who always tries to paint his family as pure and innocent with words like, "they did it because of the shame of society for keeping children out of wedlock.." and I always felt uneasy about it and unready to accept it. I realized that as maddelinehattuer blog said, there is no excuses for not keeping your baby it is the furthest from morality and more a hide-behind-religion. I felt this way, because from their actions I never got to know my ancestors and where I belong in the world. I told my great uncle that, and how I still never feel their love for me and that I am the first on my tree that I am creating in the world. He said he is the...

Stop the blame on others for their weaknesses it is always from childhood dysfunction and they were groomed that way. Until they wake up and are aware of how to change you can't blame them.

Realized that connection with my daughter is inevitable, and that adoption made me think there was no such thing as unconditional love. I was writing on the forum for adoptees about it and people understood and validated the uncertainty I had. In addition I watched a video called The Body Keeps the Score: Brain Mind And Body in the Healing of Trauma And van der Volt speaks about how trauma not being validated causes people to store it in their bodies and still feel like it is happening even in the present and so a plain coffee date can feel emotionally terrifying and anxiety producing. He says EMDR takes a person back to the trauma in their body and helps them resolve it. I think this is what has been happening to me all my life, and why minor things can become excruciatingly hard for me. I heard Ross Rosenberg say that to heal we need to be put in better circumstances where we receive the opposite of the trauma like support groups. I have joined a good and stable adoptee support foru...

I was up all night thinking about random things and did not feel ready to sleep. I experienced abandonment and feeling alone due to everyone sleeping, and night is bleak for me. I came across an adoptee blog that blew my mind, maddelinehattuer1. She was cut edge raw and not holding back, as she explained having tact does not bring revolution. The way she advocated for adoptee feelings, so invisible to the physical plane, made her courageous. I dared to feel like a colleague to her, but her blog spoke to me so instantaneously. One of the things she said was that adoptees should not be told that it is privilege to be adopted, because it minimizes their experience, and the fact it that nothing is worst than losing your entire family the minute you are born, abuse in family or not, she experienced it all. The fact that she is forever impaired from having healthy relationships of trust, and never feeling worthy. She also said her real self was buried 6 feet under, and no one knows her true ...

We have to be mindful of how we feel, because we project it onto others. If we feel we are not enough, we will not be able to see others as enough. We will give of a low-energy vibe and people will feel bad about themselves around us, because of the way we see ourselves. Ancestry Genetics can also play a part, because it can be passed down in our genes to feel bad about ourselves due to what our grandparents went through. If we pay attention to that, we will know what it stems from and be able to adjust of thinking. In turn, if we feel flawed, we will feel overwhelmed by others and feel the need to fix them. That is why interactions are a burden sometimes- because we are trying too hard to fix others. If we let them be, and not feel responsible for their actions that we cannot control, we will be able to enjoy them more.

The killer of the Parkland high school shooting was adopted as a baby. I stared at his face in the google search, noticing his dead but handsome eyes and face. I got a chill. How can someone be pushed to do such a thing? He must have been really troubled. Felt unheard and un-trusting of humanity. Society is also to blame for not being aware of the impact of adoption- separation from the birth mother and its affects on the emotions of a person. The way the heart feels slowly numbed inside, until it cannot feel its impact on others. Of course, nobody has the right to kill, no matter what. But it doesn't change the fact that he was broken inside, with no hope of a normal life. The deed he did shakened me greatly, because a part of me knows the feeling behind it, if not marginally. The feeling that you have no one in the world. The anti social behavior that his classmates reported he displayed, that one by one his friends dropped him, I know all too well. I have felt estranged from eve...

I wrote this yesterday, after a fearful and wild night before. Trauma makes us sometimes unable to recognize what someone means to us. Sometimes I forget how much my daughter means to me. I see her as a nuisance at times, and hard to take care of. Last night I let myself rest and did not pressure myself to put her to bed, I just took time to be happy. We sang and played. Then I put her to sleep in my arms. She watched me carefully as I held her, relaxed. She trusted me and closed me eyes sleepily. I began to cry at the outpouring of love I felt for her. At how happy our bond made me. At how much regret I felt for her painful traumatic birth, which made her not trust me fully. She watched me with a small smile, and I caught her eye. I did not look away, and pushed all my love into my gaze at her. She cried a tiny bit, and I cried more. She shifted a bit, and I got tired. I felt anxiety that our moment was over, so I turned away. She suddenly sputtered and spit up all the milk she dr...

Wrote this two days ago because my laptop stopped working. Have a lot to catch up on. I realized that my daughter knows she is loved and is confident. She wants to learn new things and takes out toys to play by herself. She understands what I feel, that she be herself and be happy. It is only when I force her to look at me that she gets mad, because she is not ready to face me so intimately for whatever reason. But she is still a happy kid regardless. I think I don't see that usually because I am always looking at the worst case scenario. But because I show her love and don't force her to do everything like other parents, she feels happy a lot. Fortunately. Now: I see how she gets affected by my moods, and I project my feelings onto her. Such as this morning, when I was itchy to get going to the mall, I was stressed because my head and Stomach hurt for some reason, and so I was seeing her as stressed. She in turn, was acting nervous and demanding, "song" more t...

We have to heal ourselves by seeing the patterns we create and what we want differently says Teal Swan in How To Heal.  She says once we heal, the impossible feat of raising a healthy child who does not feel out of control in life will be possible. We are scared of ruining our kids, but the truth is it is not entirely our problem because the DNA they carry is full of their ancestor's wounds. Interestingly, Mark Smith on Family Tree Brand Counseling also said in a profound video titled Change that once we heal, we will start to see who is a wolf and who a sheep in our lives, and more importantly, we will love ourselves and the pain will be a redemption for us. Also, it will get passed down to our children, so we need to do what we need to do for ourselves and not worry about them too much. He said the person who hurt you the most gave you the greatest blessing, because he showed you your childhood trauma in reincarnation. I feel like the worst was done with my past painful relati...

I feel invisible and helpless trying to put my daughter to sleep last tonight for 3 hours when I only slept 5 the night before. Since I had wanted to enjoy a night out so I woke her up after 1.5 hours napping. It was so scary, I wanted to scream and hit someone meaning my husband. He was sleeping since 11 and it was 1 a.m. She could not sleep because of her tension and I did not want to force her to cry as she doesn't trust me to cry anymore so she keeps all her pain and feeling unheard in, and I feel cruel when I force her to look at me and she cries like a maniac and beats me away. I almost felt like giving up. It was horrible. Exhaustion and tension from not sleeping and feeling alone in the world now without an adoptive mother who truly cares crushed me. I was so desperate that I made a video talking about my feelings just to make it feel more real. When she did not fall asleep it did not work. I became hysterical. Thinking of how unfair everything was. How was I expected to b...

A child just needs consistency with the inner and outer reality, as he can see people's true moods easily because children are all emotion. They can see when a parent is stressed out or angry, and not really present with them. Therefore it is important not to fake being happy or present when you are not. This is what I have been doing with my daughter, because I feel the need to be there for her even when I am feeling up to it. I was raised this way, with my borderline mother self sacrificing because that was the only way she felt worthy of love. She did not let her true feelings show, and they festered in her until she abused us physically and emotionally, all in the name of "sacrifices" and love for her children. She cannot admit her fault in it, because she says she was only doing what she felt was best and still feels was the right thing to do. To ignore her desires and wants in order to please her children and husband. And then have her children grow up not trus...

I found a part of myself that really energized me this afternoon, in the stress of feeling stuck with caring for my baby daughter. I was criticizing myself and trying to enforce myself to listen to her pain, and so I did not allow myself to enjoy when I bought myself a salad and healthy lunch. I felt so bad that she was upset from my annoyance at her not sleeping and not being able to listen to her feelings, that she was disassociated the whole outting. Shame and guilt took over. I was beside myself at home. I watched a video of me talking about my feelings, because I decided maybe mirroring would help me feel better. Then, I did something I like and hadn't done in ages- I danced to music to express myself. I was thinking of the song "Bleeding in Love" and how it applied to how I felt lately, and it hit me how songs can help you express your emotions and find out the depths of your feelings. So I did it and videoed myself. I saw how I felt cringy, and it was from judging...

It's almost too much to handle. I went for lunch with my adoptive mother today because we were exhausted but could not fall back asleep. It was insane. As usual she was all bubbly about my looks- why don't you wear makeup and put your scarf nicer? Did you get a new dress? I muttered answers but did not get fazed. I was there to be myself, and not a picture of what she wanted of me. I guess she was relieved, because it seemed very draining for her to keep up her facade and I was not giving into it at all. Just being myself, and I was showing how easy and simple it was. She hemmed and hawed about my daughter's beauty, "Wow she's (finally) looking prettier as she grows." She of course freaked when my daughter was doing childish things like pull out tissues from the dispenser, bang the salt shakers and run to the door, " Some one will open it and hurt her!" I said my mantra, "She won't die." As in, let the toddler live. I told her, as ...

Just realizing how good things are and how I have it. My daughter is a beautiful and smart girl, and I also have good looks and charm to make anyone feel understood when I put the mind to it. I love people, and am sociable. I am living well, with plenty to eat and money to enjoy myself. Then why do I feel so depressed? I realized this after talking to my birth father yesterday. He is the opposite of me in emotions- whereas I am scattered and nervous about life, he is positive and never bothered. But on the downside, he cannot listen to real issues and always dismisses them with positivity so I feel dumb for having them. Such as when I tell him it's difficult to deal with people sometimes, he tells me he never has that problem because he just cleans their cars and does what they want and they like him. (He works 80 hours a week at a car wash). It makes me wonder if he really lives for himself, or if he just does for others all the time. He never takes off from work, because he ...

Some parents only love their children out of obligation, as Teal Swan says in this week's video, and when the child has any extreme of feeling, the parent does not let it exist. Such as, if the child is happy, parent won't tolerate it and knock it down, because they subconsciously need the child to stay at their feeling level- unhappy. This causes the child to only feel loved when they are unhappy, or neutral feeling, and the notion of success or happiness brings terror of isolation. Also, they can not be too unhappy, because that is not allowed either with their parents, as it is all about the parent's emotions. How selfish can parents be, that they do not let their kids live because of their own inability to see outside their own views? The parent should acknowledge that they have issues and pain inside and work on their own feelings. Instead of making their kids take care of them. I guess I grew up in this environment, subconscious as it was, and my parents neve...

I just never saw the love a family is supposed to have. I see my daughter, and know I love her so much. I can't imagine losing her. Then I see my husband's family, and how disconnected they are from each other. That's why they do not value family ties. They think it is a privilege to have true love. I have true love and a family tie now, and there is nothing more great in the world. I see the contrast from my adoptive family that I grew up with. No love and no family tie. It is hard for me to keep this real, because I keep thinking it makes no sense. To love, to have family ties. My daughter cries, and I find it hard to believe she wants and needs ME. I feel honored and privileged. I have no idea how they do not see this. Sometimes I have to pinch myself not to lose sight of it. My heart breaks in two because my daughter is so sensitive to my rejection. It hurts me soo much and makes me aware of what I'm missing. I am amazed at how people take family ties ...

Something big happened. My daughter woke up after 8 of sleep, perhaps due to yesterday's crying in arms a bit, she did not seem to want to fall asleep her usual way- at the breast. She just waited patiently for me to hold her and I did, but she couldn't cry and just stared at me. I did not give up, and moved her body away to trigger the wound. It worked and she burst into angry tears. She came back up to me angrily, and the tears subsided but she was still not ready to sleep. I did it again and again, and afterwards she had this sleepy content look as she watched me. I was unsure of how she felt, but exhaustion hit me so I lay down. Watching her open, vulnerable expression and neediness of me, I had the need to cry and felt sad about the past anger at her. I started to cry a little, and she watched me curiously. The tears led way to more, and I began thinking about her birth and its affect on me. I cried more, and suddenly it felt like I couldn't stop. They were soft, pain...

I love when my daughter gives kisses to things and me because she learned it from when I am affectionate towards her. I love when she sings a song that I sing to her and tries to remember the order of the words. It sounds so cute and precious. Her little voice floats up in the air with an angelic, lift of tone. It makes me wonder how I can ever get mad at her. Tonight I discovered why I was angry at her. It was because I was repressing my desire to do my own thing and forcing myself to try to pay attention to her need to cry. Of course it wasn't working because mu heart was not in it. I remember reading in Aletha Solter's book that in order for a parent to listen to a baby's feelings, they need to have their own needs met. It's simple but so true. I therefore cried weakly to myself and felt pathetic for it, but realized that no matter how pathetic I felt about it, I had needs. Once I knew that the needs were strong and stubborn, reminiscent of my toddlerhood and fe...

I got extremely worked up last night from the stress of my daughter not sleeping, and eventually she fell asleep. I started thinking of how it was for me as a baby, in foster care for three months, and then being placed with my adoptive parents. How my mother did not tell me this information when I asked her where my newborn and early pictures where, and I later found out about the foster care and asked her when I was 24, and she admitted it was true and did not want to "upset" me. I was furious, because it shows how she never considered my feelings important at that age, only using me for her own purpose of having a baby of her own. Never acknowledging that we were different, and did not come from her. And I remembered how my aunt was shocked at my expression of grief for being adopted, and did not allow them to exist in her mind, because I had to be grateful to my mother for raising us. As if it was only for their benefit, and we didn't matter. I was so angry, because t...

We used to think that having shelter and then food were the primary needs to live for a human. Teal Swan says that that is proven wrong because there have been instances where people were able to survive through starvation when they had love and purpose of life, the anticipation of love. And babies have died from malnourishment in orphanages where they had food and shelter, but lacked emotional care and bond with another human. Therefore, we can conclude that love and belonging is more important than food and shelter for a human to live. People kill themselves because of feeling unloved too, so obviously having food needs met were not sufficient. This made me think that we need to focus on meeting love and care needs met for our children way before physical needs. That means when it comes to having to chose one over the other, loving care should come first. Unfortunately, so many parents pick physical care wayy before emotional needs with their children, even when there is no ultimatu...

So I have this theory that my daughter needs to have the trauma of what I did to her when I was mad repeated in order to heal it. She does not look at me from close when I initiate a hug or a soft word. She starts saying random words and singing as if to distract herself from me. It hurts me very much. I guess that's why I have been avoiding bedtime or naptimes for as long as I can remember for her. Deep down I feel uneasy about our bond. I sometimes try to cover it up by over smiling at her and saying things to cover my anxiety. So tonight, after the bath we had together, I try talking to her and she insisted on squeezing my mouth and watching in fascination as I wriggled away in pain. I made funny sounds and she laughed so I did it again. Then I pushed her body away and she shrieked like I hurt her. It was way bigger a reaction than what was called for now, and I realized she had remembered the trauma of how when she cried I had pushed her away angrily over and over again a few ...

I woke up troubled and shaky in life. I feel unsure of who I am and my purpose in life. I am at odds with basically my entire family, and feel insecure about this plight. Feel like a bad daughter or sister. Unsure of why I am doing this. Am I really just continuing my script of isolation from my birth story as my adoptive mother would easily affirm. Or am I succeeding in taking a stand on my life and where it is going. I am worried. Is my good will all an illusion, as my daughter still cries so much and acts overly chipper with me so I don't know if it's real. I am worried that she lives by route like I have been trained to. Fake feelings, turbulent inside. Scattered attention, trying to survive the outside but unsure of my inside resolve. This label or title of being part of G-d's loved people really confuses me. Aren't labels harmful, and place one in the stereotypical position of living up to it without an identity formed of one's own? So why are we called t...

When I was a child I was said to be very cheerful and cooperative, with an unusually happy disposition. I still have that with me, to what extent exactly I am not sure. It seems I was born for taking charge of a group of toddlers, I have warm feelings for them and they gravitate to me, ready to do my bidding. They feel my genuine care, so rarely felt with other grownups that command their attention. I am always shocked at how playgroup teachers are so unfeeling and overpraise the children for every thing they do, as if they do not relate to the child at his/her level. I experienced it as a toddler, too and felt that all grownups were fake and untrustworthy. All children want is truth and they can smell it from a mile away. I find myself getting excited about the prospect of being a teacher on my own, and making children feel understood and developing a relationship with them. It will not be a typical, efficiently run group with set schedules for every activity, and more spontaneou...

          Maybe being in this place with such little spiritual knowledge, I can still grow and be myself. I went to a job interview today in a playgroup with 15 children running around lost, with the teacher being a grandmother and as she said, "with little patience and too burnt out for this work already," so she was hiring someone to run it, and I managed to brighten the children a bit just by showing love and care for them. I feel like they feel like just another number there, and it pains me. If I can help them feel more loved, I can make a huge difference, even though I do not have any experience running a playgroup on my own. I have seen the teachers do it, though, being an assistant for 3 years, and maybe even though I am not usually so organized, I can do well. My daughter was the youngest, and they agreed to let her stay with me if I get the job. As I said, I just wanted something to do with my day, and getting a little extra money won't hurt at all. I ...